9 Traits of Emotionally Immature People
And how to shift to emotionally mature attitudes
This article is for informational purposes only. It doesn’t provide medical advice; always consult a qualified healthcare provider regarding a medical condition or treatment.
“I’m done dating Stefano.” My friend Clara said out of the blue. She and I were enjoying a drink and the warm sunset sitting outside a bar. “Why?” I asked, surprised. “He’s such an immature jerk!” She replied.
I thought she was exaggerating. Maybe he was only stressed by the recent quarantine due to Covid-19, but when she started listing his behaviors, I had to change my mind.
Stefano never tried to find a compromise or sacrifice a moment of his time to spend with my friend Clara. She was always the one postponing her appointments to fit his schedule. After almost nine months of dating, Clara has never met one of his other friends or vice versa. I even started to think she made him up.
She was almost in tears when she ended the confession. I felt so sorry for her, for the time and energies she wasted in a relationship that didn’t seem to grow.
Clara now knows how to recognize emotionally immature people, but do they know about their status?
“Maturity is when you stop complaining and making excuses in your life; you realize everything that happens in life is a result of the previous choice you’ve made and start making new choices to change your life.” ― Roy T. Bennett
Emotionally immature people are selfish
When we are kids, we mostly receive everything we ask because our parents are ready to take care of our needs. Growing up, we start to explore the world and understand that other people have needs too. We develop feelings like altruism and empathy. Or at least we all should.
Emotionally immature people are self-centered. They lack of empathy and care only about themselves and their needs. Sometimes they bully others only to feel powerful and pretend to be better.
How to change this behavior
Being altruistic and help others can be difficult, unnatural for someone who never cared about anyone else but themself. To start, look around yourself; who can you help today? There is no need to do big and public actions. Start small: donate some food to a homeless shelter, listen to a friend who needs to vent, donate worn-out blankets to an animal sanctuary or simply keep the door open for someone leaving a store with a big load of grocery.
“I guess real maturity, which most of us never achieve, is when you realize that you’re not the center of the universe.” — Katherine Paterson
They have commitment issues
Emotionally immature people struggle not to satisfy an immediate desire. They don’t sacrifice anything temporary for reaching long-term worthwhile goals. They live for the moment and might even have a hard time planning for the future.
They also don’t like to commit to a relationship as they see it as a limitation of their freedom. They will do everything possible to postpone important relationship matters like holidays, parents’ meetings, or moving together.
How to change this behavior
Long-term goals require action plans. The best practice is to write down all the steps necessary to reach the aim, sacrifices included. Is there a way to work around those losses? If not, it’s time to face them and be prepared because, at this point, there is no easy road to succeed in the plan. If you truly want something more significant, you must be ready to find a compromise. Often, the fear of commitment has deep and solid roots that must be identified and confronted to overcome the anxiety to move on to better long-term experiences.
The same thing can be said about relationships. If you truly love someone, you should put aside some of your needs. They might seem like life or death matters to you, but sometimes they are just silly things of no value that you can let go to be with your partner for the rest of your life.
“Maturity is achieved when a person postpones immediate pleasures for long-term values.” — Joshua Loth Liebman
They don’t like to be held accountable
Emotionally immature people don’t own their mistakes. When they mess up, they don’t take responsibility for their actions and try to make up for them. On the contrary, they blame other people or situations beyond their control. They like to complain about other’s mistakes. You will never hear an immature person saying it was his fault and that he will do something to fix the error or never do it again.
According to Guy Winch Ph.D. article on Psychology Today, “Some people have such a fragile ego, such brittle self-esteem, such a weak “psychological constitution,” that admitting they made a mistake or that they were wrong is fundamentally too threatening for their egos to tolerate.”
How to change this behavior:
Look at a situation like an outsider would do. What happened? What went wrong, and how can it be fixed? Admitting to being wrong or have done something incorrectly won’t make you look weak or stupid; on the contrary, taking responsibility for your actions will make you appear aware of your limit and prone to learn how to do better in the future.
Don’t complain about others’ mistakes but roll up your sleeves and help solve the problem by being kind to those who did wrong. Seek advice from people you respect and trust to guide you.
Emotionally immature people get overly defensive
They don’t like to be criticized; even a small observation can hurt their feelings and turn them into the “defensive-mode.”
Immature people always feel under attack when you point out something they did not or did wrong. They deny it using projection to attribute the unbearable feelings or desires to someone else. Every comment on their actions feels like a terrible offense.
How to change this behavior
Sometimes, people around us criticize our behavior in ways we might misunderstand, feel too harsh compared to our actions. When this happens, it is necessary to take a step back, analyze the complaint without the personal tone. Maybe that person was right but expressed himself the wrong way. Perhaps it’s nothing personal, but the objection pointed out a real problem that needs attention.
Before starting any defense mechanism, ask yourself if you can do better next time, avoid the wrongful attitude, and make a better decision for everyone’s good (not only yours). According to the article published in Psychology Today, defense mechanisms are “unconscious strategies whereby people protect themselves from anxious thoughts or feelings.”
They don’t like compromises and they always come first
There is no reason to try to argue with emotionally immature people. These people don’t like to be wrong; they will try to convince you are.
Immature people will never compromise as they don’t care about your needs and feelings; what they want regularly comes first.
How to change this behavior
Ask others to meet you halfway. Sometimes the best solution to a problem is in the moderate answer. There is no big prize for trying to be always right even when you are not. Question yourself and see if there is a better option than the one you came up with; ask for a second opinion about a specific matter and genuinely care about the response. Let other people’s ideas and goals be ahead of yours every once in a while and help your beloved with their needs too.
They don’t talk about their feelings and don’t connect on a deeper level with others
Emotionally immature people don’t feel comfortable talking about their feelings. For them, elaborating emotions is an overwhelming process that makes them feel ashamed. As a consequence of being so “private,” they don’t connect with others on a deeper level of intimacy. When someone tries to get closer, they retreat into themselves.
How to change this behavior
Sometimes it is hard to open up with others, especially if negative past experiences hold you back. If you can’t face your emotions even with someone close to you, maybe it’s time to seek therapist advice. Find a person you can build a trusted relationship with and let your feelings out at your own pace. We are all human beings with emotions, and they are not always easy to cope with.
Emotionally immature people are afraid to be left alone
They don’t like to be on their own because it will mean they have to face their feelings and deal with the consequences of their actions. Immature people use friends and family as a distraction from emotions and introspections. They also use others as a scapegoat for their fault and mistakes.
How to change this behavior
Start by spending more time alone, find self-care practices to experiment with. Also, avoid blaming others for your mistakes. As stated before, everybody needs to take responsibility for their actions and seek ways to improve and fix what they did wrong.
It might take time to appreciate the time spent alone, but using someone else as a distraction and creating bonds of dependence could be unhealthy for all the parties involved.
“Immature people falling in love destroy each other’s freedom, create a bondage, make a prison.” — Osho
They hold grudges
Holding grudges to someone isn’t healthy behavior. Emotionally immature people don’t elaborate on their emotions and move on. They keep rancors inside and let past experiences bother them and ruin the present.
How to change this behavior
The best way to stop holding grudges to others is to forgive them even if you don’t understand or find a rational reason behind their actions. Forgiving who did wrong to you also means to let go of every negative feeling connected to that person or story.
Moving on equals opening the door to new possibilities and positive experiences you won’t encounter if stuck in the past with hatred.
Emotionally immature people are irresponsible in managing money
Emotionally immature people live for the moment; they don’t plan for the future in any aspect of their life, including money management.
When they need something, they focus only on satisfying the temporary need, spending all the money they have, and even more. They sign in for reckless investments or ask for loans they can’t afford.
How to change this behavior
Study budget planning. There are experts in budgeting who can help you make the most out of your monthly salary, no matter how much it is. Create a strategy to control income and expenses and do your best to stick to it. Understand which costs aren’t related to necessary purchases (food, bills, rent) and cut them. Plan for your retirement and start saving a small amount each month. Also, create an emergency found to use only if a severe accident or a life matter situation happens.
“Maturity is developed by respecting others and accepting responsibility for violating that respect.” — Wes Fessler
Emotionally immature people can grow too. The first step to becoming an emotionally mature person is to be aware of the situation and willing to take beneficial life changes.
Emotional maturity is characterized by managing emotions, making good and healthy choices during challenging times, and taking full responsibility for actions.
Develop empathy and selfishness, listen to others’ needs, and stop holding grudges for past events. Follow someone’s example or ask for help from a qualified doctor. There is always room for improvement.
Emotional maturity isn’t a matter of age. It’s the result of inner growth that sometimes needs more hard work and professional help. If you see yourself in my description, don’t run away; embrace yourself. You are the only one who can decide either you want to keep being like this or bloom like a gorgeous flower.
