Asking for Love & Better Friendships
Simple, not easy.
“What’s the real problem that you want to solve, again?”, she flustered.
Uh oh. It dawned on me that she’s just spent the past few minutes offering me productivity tips in vain.
“Nothing at all. I’m just saying that writing is hard.”
She got silent.
Did I just blow my chance to connect?
Sometimes we wished our conversations were flowing. When our friendship was past being about where to go out for coffee, lunch, and dinner, we’re ready to go beyond the shallows. When life has changed us, and we needed to be understood and seen.
Sharing honest emotional experiences was my approach to get intimate conversations going. The problem was, sometimes, misunderstandings happened when I didn’t make my intentions clear enough.
My friend gave me sound advice, but what I really wanted was connection and intimacy.
I aimed to talk about honest emotions that might get her attention. If she shared hers in turn, we would be off to a great start.
Too late for that. Being clear about what I wanted should have happened at the beginning of the chat. Not when it’s over.
We Didn’t Normally Talk Straight, Did We?
My friend and I, we weren’t specific with our words. We wanted to be shy, seasoned phrases with feelings, and file-attached secret invitations on everything we say.
We wanted to dance.
We were telepaths when we’re together. We finished each others’ sentences. We enjoyed the fun in guessing what the other person thought about.
But when we started talking about the hard stuff, the important stuff, we got off balance. Suddenly we’re out of sync.
The thing that complicated communication was implying meanings different from what we said. We all attached secondary meanings to our words, because we were afriad to reveal the truth.
For example, a friend might share something bad that happened to her recently.
Suppose we want to say:
- I don’t know what to say so I’m being general and polite
- I’m so heartbroken with the news that I can’t offer more support
- This is honestly the sincerest condolence I know how to give
- We are not that close, but I want to comfort you
- I hope you won’t misunderstand my saying sorry for taking responsibility for what happened
Instead, we hide behind ambiguity: “I’m sorry to hear that. It must be tough.”
We Were Afraid to Speak Our Truth
We were worried that the more we spoke the more likely we messed up. We gave up sharing our true feelings. In our vagueness, our friend was left to depend on ambiguous non-verbal cues to figure out what we meant. It’s not easy — for them and us. We were often caught unprepared.
Imagine the impossibility of interpreting cultural differences between families, generations, states, and countries. I experienced a mild case after moving to a city. My sarcasm and jokes stopped working. To make things worse, the local humor and sensibilities never made sense to me. I don’t get them. They don’t get me.
Here was the usual response to the situation. Change nothing about our social interactions that don’t foster real understanding. Keep playing dishonest games instead of real emotional connection. And keep having long-drawn conversations that still leave us wanting.
It’s almost strange to think of a better way to interact with people. We’re so used to old habits that it’s hard to see an alternative.
Yet it takes only a bit of courage and imagination. It starts with asking.
Asking
We owe it to the well-being of ourselves and others to express ourselves honestly.
As pointed out, the causes of our dissatisfaction are our hidden motivations that don’t want to be kept secret any longer. When there’s a mix-up between what we meant and what we said, there is no way we’re going to get the response we want.
Cultural norms and habits further complicate the confusion. As such, the way to cut through is with extreme honesty. We must express truthfully and clearly so that others have a good chance of understanding us.
That expression of truth is asking. It requires courage to say what we mean and to give clarifications from the heart if we have to.
Practice
Set a date with a close friend who would be down for trying this exercise.
Before meeting up, think of a personal topic you’re fine discussing with and prepare the exact words you will say. Then pick one goal form the list of five communication goals below:
1. Make a connection, closeness, or intimacy
2. Impart information, or tell a story
3. Ask for support, comfort, acknowledgment, or endearment
4. Make a decision together
5. Solve a problem together
When you meet, let your friend know the goal you picked — your intentions. Then, deliver your message.
It’s important to express your goal to your friend. Awkward as it may be, this little experiment is worth a try because it might improve your relationship. For one, it reveals your feelings and thoughts about important areas in your life. And two, you learn the skill of asking for what you want.
If you feel uncomfortable, uneasy, or afraid stating your goal out loud, you’re doing it right.
At the beginning of this essay, my friend responded to my ill-attempted invitation to connect with cold silence. When you don’t get what you want, you will feel distressed. That negative feeling is called rejection. It helps to name it because it’s not as bad as it feels.
Receiving silence or any other negative response is okay. It’s not the end of the world when I failed to connect with my friend. There will be another time where results will surprise me. Friendships are places safer than you think to practice honesty.
If you feel uncomfortable, uneasy, or afraid stating your goal out loud, you’re doing it right. And as long as you’re not harming anyone with your words, you don’t have to be worried.
Once you’ve made asking a habit, you’ll be ready to ask for love when you need it most.
