Dear Me
Dear Me,
I know that things seem hard right now, hell they kind of are, but that’s okay. The hard stuff is what will help you grow and learn. I know right now you have a thousand thoughts running through your head. The “What If’s” and the “I Wish” sentences that feel like trains coming off their tracks. It’s okay to think them, just don’t dwell on them, you are stronger than you know.
Do you remember that time that you thought your world was ending when you got the call from the doctors saying “your results came back, we need to talk.” Yeah, you thought your world was ending then. I remember you looking at me in the mirror hating yourself and the person that did it to you. I remember it pretty well and I remember telling you “You are going to make it through this” and you did. You did it with flying colors and even won the gold medal at the end. I know that you still have some hard feelings about it, but babe, you have to let it go. It doesn’t do anything for you to hold that pain in.
I know that right now saying things like “you’re going to be okay” and “you’ve got this” sometimes feels repetitive and an ongoing reminder of what you are going through, but you have to know that those statements are true! You do have this and you are going to be okay. You were built to walk through fire and grab the devil by the horns. You have more fight in you now than you ever did years ago. You know that after this you will be a different man, someone who knows his worth and what he deserves. Think of it like this. The trial you are facing is how diamonds are formed, they are put in heat and under crazy amounts of pressure. Isn’t it funny that your birth stone is also a diamond, coincidence, I think not!!
I remember the day that you smiled in the mirror and told yourself “I am worthy.” That day was so amazing because you knew in that moment that no matter what, you were worth more than the situation you were in. I know that the days can sometimes seem scary and you feel like you have fallen off the wagon, but you haven’t. You are exactly where you need to be. You just have to stay still. Don’t rush and stop beating yourself up! If there is one thing you take from this, just stop beating yourself up when you feel like you are letting someone down or that you feel you aren’t up to their standards. There is no situation where you have to meet a person’s standard of you to feel loved and wanted. You are enough and if they can’t see it, well, that’s their loss.
I know you said that this week was kind of hard. You mentioned how scared you were of what was to come with this new scan, don’t be! No matter what the outcome of it is, just know that you are going to overcome it!! That night that you cried to me and told me how lonely you felt. I cried with you. I hated that you felt that way. You told me you opened up your Bible that night and just started praying and God touched your heart with peace. Hold on to that. Be selfish with it. That loneliness that you feel is only a fleeting moment. It is just another thing for you to overcome.
I think I remember you telling me that you eventually did get over feeling lonely when you started to enjoy your own company again. That is amazing! I want you to keep doing that and never let anyone take that away from you. You have so many people that love you and that is cheering you on. Take it all in and embrace it!
I know the night you told me you had to shave your head because your hair was falling out in clumps. You were so upset I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get you to calm down. You told me it was the worst feeling because it was a realization of what you were facing, but then you took that power back and all it took was an electric razor. Damn, that was good stuff! You are continuously growing in the ashes and will rise up like a phoenix. I feel bad for anyone who gets in your way when you understand your true potential. I think you are starting to grasp it though.
Please always know that no matter what life throws at you that you are worth more than the situation you are in. You are bigger and brighter than the sun and it shows when you smile and laugh. Hold onto that. Never forget that you have some much love to give. Sometimes I feel like your heart is bigger than your whole body. Always stay true to yourself and never let anyone or anything snuff out your joy and happiness. I love you.
