Don’t Apologize For Having a Mental Illness.
Why I stopped apologizing for being borderline.
Imagine being a 16 years old teenager feeling miserable for no reason. I would spend days no sleeping a bit, mood changes, crying for no reason, and often having anxiety crisis... this is by far nothing that a teenager wants to face in his adolescence. Then going through the whole process of diagnostic: going to the therapist, the psychiatrist, doing tons of tests, take pills, and the list goes on and on.
What I just told you is my history. I always felt I wasn’t enough to accomplish anything in life; with lots of ideas, emotions, feelings, and thoughts in my mind, I did not understand and did not know how to express.
By the age of 19, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Everything was clear now; I understood why I felt the way I do and why people around me told me the things they used to. But with the realization of my mental illness also came shame, fear, self-hate, and inferiority complex; yes, I went through hell.
However, in December 2019, I decided I would work on not apologizing for having a mental illness, and I'm going to tell you why.
I’m not fine, but no one is.
People often forget that, in one way or another, we are all sick. The only thing that differentiates mental illness from the others is that mental illnesses are invisible illnesses, and we’re so quick to forget this; people around us also forget this.
Have you ever seen somebody saying sorry for having a headache? or maybe severe gastritis? I’m sure you have not, so why do I have to apologize for having an invisible but real illness? Whether you are dealing with a generalized anxiety disorder, major depression disorder, a personality disorder, or any other mental illness, remember that is just it: an illness.
I am not trying to downgrade your experience or the pain you’ve been through, but I understand that the faster we normalize this topic, the better we will feel in our own skin.
It is not “I am,” it is “I have.”
Lately, I have acknowledged that I was apologizing a lot about my mental illness because I thought that was a characteristic of my persona, which is not. Mental illnesses do not define us as people; we are more than that.
We cannot start to forget our inner person, all our good qualities, and our strengths. Please, it is beyond stupid to expect to apologize for things that we have no control over.
“There are more outside than inside.”
On my first appointment with the psychiatrist (the one I am attending to currently), I sat right in front of the door of the waiting room; when I suddenly read in the reflection of the glazed door a wall porter with a phrase in Spanish that goes like this “Hay más afuera que adentro,” which translated would be “There are more outside than inside.”
This phrase might seem simple but is deeper than you could imagine. We actually don't know how many people are out there who are suffering or that need help. Some people live in their own utopia and do not want to recognize they have a problem. Some others are just afraid of being judged by society, and they understand they are “strong” enough not to seek help.
Should I apologize for being brave enough to seek help? I have understood that going through this process is a sign of bravery, rather than weakness. We are not rare bugs for seeking help; on the contrary, we should feel proud of ourselves that we are modest enough to recognize we need help, and we’ve looked for it.
To conclude, if you are in a dark place right now, I encourage you, from experience, to seek help. Please give yourself a chance to prove you can succeed against your own self.
Always keep in mind: you have nothing to apologize for. Mental illness is an invisible illness, but still an illness. You are more than just your illness, and that is not a personality trait; you are a whole person with lots of characteristics and good qualities. And finally, you have more reasons to feel proud of yourself than ashamed; you’ve been brave enough to seek help. Never hold yourself back!
