Eight Reminders to the Warriors of Narcissistic Abuse
A letter from a survivor!
Dear warriors,
I know you. I know your story. It doesn’t matter who it was. It might have been your husband, your wife, a relative, a friend, or a colleague. You may have suffered because they were too close or because you were too nice. Maybe you learned your lessons- that sometimes, kindness gets you crushed, that good intention isn't always reciprocated. I know it’s hard to fathom that the person you loved so much was a narcissist. It can be hard to fathom that you were for so long nurturing the wrong relationship, that you were watering the wrong plant.
But dear warriors, if you opened this letter, I know you’ve already realized what you’d missed for so long- that you were all the while dealing with narcissists, the insatiable beings with little empathy and lots of malice. And since things have gone this far, I want to remind you of a few things that I believe are necessary for you to heal and reclaim your freedom.
1. The damage is real.
Dear warriors- No, you didn’t over-exaggerate, you didn’t over-analyze. Trust me, your suffering is valid, your trauma is valid. What you endured was a long period of mockery, ill-intention, jealousy, and animosity. What you endured was a never-ending give-only relationship. What you endured was gaslighting, manipulation, and lack of empathy. You endured emotional abuse and it doesn’t matter if the abuser is aware of it. What matters is- you deserve better! In fact, you always did!
2. You are the victim, not the perpetrator.
Dear warriors, I know that they deny doing any wrong, and even if they admit it, ‘it was justified’ in their view. You kept wondering if you should talk to them about their mistreatment and when you finally did, they turned it against you. But remember, you are not the villain in the story-you never were. A narcissist is capable of rationalizing all sorts of misbehavior because, in their minds, they are perfect and can do no wrong. Don’t let that change your narrative. Mind it, you are not the perpetrator.
3. The best way to deal with narcissists is not to deal with them at all.
Dear warriors, you might want to explain to them that this is not the right way to behave- it’s not going to work. You might want to argue to shut them up, it’s not going to work. You might want to be kinder to them and change them by showering them with immense love-It’s not going to work!!! A narcissist is not going to change even if you try to demonstrate that you have the best intentions. The best thing you can do for yourself is to distance yourself from them at all costs.
4. Focus on healing yourself- you need it more than you think!
Dear warriors, I don’t care if you learn an instrument or join a volunteer-club. Do something but stop dwelling on that pain. Healing from a narcissist’s abuse can be rough. Remember all the beautiful things inside you. Remember your goals. Remember to love yourself. Remember that no matter how intense the pain is, it’s surmountable. Remember the challenges you’ve overcome in life. Remember- this too shall pass!
5. Cut off contacts with them, but forgive them anyway.
Dear warriors, it isn’t right to have any kind of relationship with a narcissist nor is it to harbor a grudge for the rest of your life. Narcissists are miserable themselves. They aren’t ever happy. There is a void in their heart that nothing seems to fill. They didn’t make a conscious choice to be this way. Often, they are projecting their own trauma into the world. Realizing this might help you soothe your feelings for them. Meeting them was an unfortunate reality of your life. Accept this and let go.
6. You are worthy of love.
Dear warriors, no matter what they told you about you, remember this: you might not be perfect, but you are worthy of being loved and cared for. You deserve basic human decency. Don’t let their words stab you, don’t let guilt overcome your sense of self-love and self-worth. You can never heal from their trauma, nor forgive them wholly if you fail on loving yourself. Give yourself what they didn’t give you, give yourself the gift of unconditional love.
7.. Don’t ever close your heart.
Dear warriors, I know you went through all those tears and emotional turmoil. Unconsciously, you may resolve to build walls around your heart to save yourself from being misused again. You may want to go sour and vengeful. But please don’t ever let what happened to you define you. Don’t let what you faced change the core of who you are.
8. Sometimes, it’s important to judge a book by its cover.
Dear warriors, by the time you decide to cut off from a narcissist, you’ll have had enough. You’ll now recognize a narcissist when you see one. You’ll notice their haughtiness, their arrogance. You’ll be mature and sensible enough to never repeat the same cycle. But if you’re an empath, chances are- you’ll be drawn to them again. But remember- you can either choose yourself or you can choose the narcissist! You can never choose both. Choose wisely.
