Friend, or Phone?
3 reasons to put down your phone and pay attention to your friends in post-pandemic society.
I have a confession to make. I am dreading something about “re-opening” the country.
Of course, there are positives about returning to some semblance of life before the virus. I dream of the days when I can lean in across my less-than-6-foot table to hear the juicy details of my friend’s story. And yes, my mouth waters just thinking about eating delicious meals cooked by amazing restaurant chefs.
But one thing that fills me with dread is becoming reacquainted with a distinct feeling I used to have. It happened in public spaces when I saw random groups of people hanging out with their phones — and their friends.
I mean — when I saw people hanging out with their friends, who were all just staring at their phones. <cringe face, heart crunch>
This common behavior troubled me long before COVID-19 cast a deep social distance rift between buddies. But with all this talk of reintegration, I’m already starting to cringe in preparation.
I wish I could sound the alarms. And when full re-entry happens I could loudly proclaim:
“It’s ok to put away your phone and be with your friend for a couple of hours! The world won’t end if you turn off your phone!
But, instead, I’m writing this and hoping people get the message.
I am not saying I’m perfect: I have a guilty past with this dismissive behavior while in social hang-out groups. But for several years now, I’ve made the conscious effort to disengage from my phone while spending time with friends.
Sometimes I locked my phone in my car when I met a friend for coffee.
Other times I would take it with me, but keep it silenced in my purse.
And every once in awhile, I’d harness a rare moment of bravery. I would do the unthinkable:
I would leave my phone at home.
I will continue these behaviors, to choose my friends over my phone, because of the many benefits I experience:
- I am fully present with my friend’s stories, concerns, and emotions.
- I can register their non-verbal communication.
- I stay more engaged in our shared activity and have a better memory of our time together later.
- And, quite frankly, I have more fun!
What Science Says About You And Your Phone
Don’t just take my word for it. Scientists are studying the effects of our growing cell phone use in daily life. Unfortunately, not many of the results are positive.
Students and Classrooms
There is growing research showing the negative impact of cell phone usage by students at schools. One study showed that just having a cell phone nearby distracted students who were not actively using them for classroom learning.
Nomophobia
We have become so heavily co-dependent on our smartphones that we’ve created a new word to describe it: nomophobia. This term defines the immense fear of being away from our phone.
Nomophobia “…includes not just losing, forgetting, or breaking your phone, but also being outside of mobile phone contact.”
This phobia can cause uncomfortable body changes that mimic the stress response including, “increased heart rate and blood pressure, shortness of breath, anxiety, nausea, trembling, dizziness, depression, discomfort, fear, and panic.”
Psychologically absent
Cellphone addiction is a legitimately growing problem: and one that feels normalized, to an extent. The biggest heart crusher is that these common phone addictions are starting to separate us from one another, just like any other addiction. Many times when we are with our friends we are “…physically present but psychologically absent.”
Our relationships are becoming a hollow shell of what they could be if we learned to have a more conscious relationship with our phones.
3 Reasons To Put Down Your Phone & Pay Attention
Here are a few reasons why we should — at the very least — keep our phones turned off and waiting for us in our purse or pocket, the next time we meet our friends in our post-corona world.
1) Quarantine Blues
Please do not forget the experiences you had from March until now. Many people spent 3 months quarantined inside a house or apartment. At the very least, no one should have been freely hanging out with friends.
So, reflect: how much time did you spend on your phone over the past 12 weeks?
I’ll tell you my answer — more time than ever!
Like many others, my phone and laptop have been my main sources of connection to the outside world during the lockdown.
Now, as we move toward opening the country, I find myself bursting with excitement to be in the same room as people I’ve distanced from for weeks.
So, doesn’t it seem silly for me, or anyone, to emerge from lockdown after weeks on my phone to gather with friends, and then be on my phone?
Please tell me that lockdown, by denying us real-time human interaction, taught us the value of spending quality time with friends.
2) Touch-Deprived People
Do you want to know something that breaks my heart? One study found that the average smartphone user touches the phone 2,617 times per day.
I know it seems innocent; a swipe here or a scroll there. But compare that constant contact with how many times you kiss your partner, or hug your friends.
We seem to touch our phones more than our loved ones.
Think back to before social distancing was a thing. Remember a time hanging out with your best friend, a trusted person with whom you feel a close kinship.
How many times do you think you touched your phone during that pre-corona hangout session?
Now, compare that to the number of times you hugged, hi-fived, or engaged in friendly physical contact with your friend during that same hangout session. Was it about the same? Did you touch your phone more than your friend?
Did you pay more attention to an inert box that plugs into a wall than a living, breathing human being with the capacity to hug you?
We may think we need our phones, but in actuality, we need safe, consensual physical touch with people who care about us.
We need that more than we need to post a picture on social media. Our primary relationship should always be with the humans in the room, not a technology device.
Our bodies crave touch. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a loving significant other who can fulfill most of their touch needs. Trusted, safe friends can help do that too. So, once the coronavirus coast is clear, stop giving all your touch to your phone. Instead, ask your friends if it’s ok to hug them. They’ll probably be so relieved!
3) Take Control Of Your Attention To Take Control Of Your Life
Do you realize the pervasive spread of technology now dictates how you spend most of your waking moments? If you don’t, then you are subject to letting technology — such as your phone — control your life, rather than the other way around.
Don’t be at the whim of technology.
Take back the power of your attention.
Create awareness around your phone relationship.
Question your behaviors and their underlying intentions. Be an inquisitive detective of your life’s energy to make sure you’re spending it the way you want to, and not the way society is expecting you to spend it.
Moving Towards A Conscious Relationship With Your Phone
There are lots of ways to have better boundaries with technology so that we can be more present for life — especially with loved ones we haven’t seen in weeks or months. Any conscious relationship starts with awareness and honesty.
Self-Reflection For Healthy Phone Awareness
Reflect on your phone use habits. Write in a journal, or at least spend time pondering these questions:
- How do I feel about my typical cell phone usage?
- What benefits am I getting from how often I use my phone?
- What types of limitations do I experience based on my phone usage?
- How much do I normally use my phone while I am with friends? How does it make me feel?
- What do I think my friends would say about it?
- Has anyone ever commented about my phone usage? And if so, what did they say?
Create Some Space
As the saying goes… Distance makes the heart grow fonder. The same can be true for you and your phone. But right now, it’s probably true for you and your friends.
So, don’t waste an opportunity to authentically connect with your dear friend by burying your head in your phone. Find time to be with your phone alone, even if you need to double up on social media time later — give your friend the gift of your attention while you’re together.
- At the very least, put a limit on yourself and only look at your phone once every 15 minutes (or whatever your limit) when you’re with your friend.
- Better yet, turn off your phone and leave it in your bag or jacket pocket until you’ve parted ways with your friend.
- Even better, keep it out of your friend hang-out space by locking it in your car if safe to do so (don’t if it’s too hot or cold outside or your phone will damage!)
- If you’re ready for the ultimate challenge: Leave your phone at home! (only opt for this if it feels safe to do so — while phones offer distraction they also, undoubtedly, help us in unsafe or emergency situations.)
This could change your life. You may love it so much you keep doing it. Or it may terrify you, and you’ll vow never to do it again.
Either way — at least for one day in the shadow of a global pandemic— you can say you chose your friend, over your phone.
