COPING WITH GRIEF
5 Things You Should Remember About Grief
Learn now, before you need it
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Grief. It’s not just about dying, and it comes for everybody.
Did you know that you will grieve many times in your life, and not just for people who have died? You can also grieve your own approaching death.
However— not everyone will grieve. They will be sad for a while, then go on with their lives.
But you may ask, “How do I know I am grieving?”
1. What is grief?
Grief occurs when two things happen: first, you lose something that's valuable or emotionally important to you; second, the loss is irreversible.
Obviously, the largest grief comes when somebody dies. They were emotionally important to you, and there’s no way you can see them alive again.
But here are less familiar examples of grief:
- You and your partner split up. You will miss the good parts of the relationship, but there’s no way you can get back together.
- You get promoted at work. You are now the boss of the coworkers who were your friends. Now, the needs of your job are (by definition) more important than your relationship with your friends, and the power differential between you and them often damages your relationship. Even if you become coworkers sometime in the future, you can’t go back to how things were.
- You are promoted in your job and have to move to another city. You lose your friends and coworkers and your access to all the things you enjoy about your former city.
2. Am I grieving the wrong way?
The good news is that there is no wrong way for you to grieve.
In 1969, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross published the revolutionary book On Death and Dying, which revealed five steps in the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Decades of research after 1970 found the five steps have value, but they occur in no set order, and you may visit each step multiple times.
The current step of your grieving is mostly determined by the emotional state of the mind and the physical state of the body.
Sometimes, you don’t feel any grief. Do not worry that “there is something wrong with me.” This delay is part of your grief process. The grief will come when the mind and body are ready.
3. How does your body and mind respond to your grief?
Again, there is no wrong way to grieve; your body and body can enter the steps of grieving in any order.
In the early stages of mourning, your grief gets right “in your face” so much that you can’t see anything else. You will be trapped in the immediate moment, and you cannot imagine anything except your grief and pain. This is normal.
Some things that remind you of the deceased will unexpectedly trigger a spell of grieving—a person, a place, or anything else that you connect with them (e.g., a favorite place, photographs, music, a spontaneous thought that just pops into your head). You will be extra vulnerable on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and other personal events.
4. What are some of the things that happen during your grieving?
Grieving is a full-time job, and it takes as much energy as a full-time job. You cannot expect to continue with your normal activities; your body and mind need to heal.
Listen to your body. If you don’t feel like doing a planned activity, don’t do it. Contact the people involved and tell them you need to cancel. Most people will understand.
Don’t isolate yourself. You need contact with other people. Call a trusted friend and arrange an activity. You may want a brief “vacation” from your grief; if so, tell them not to ask about your grief.
Or you may want to talk. Tell your friend that you want them to just listen and not offer advice. You may or may not want to say something, but if you feel you can trust the other person, sharing a difficult thing will lessen your pain. As Lui Collins sings, “A burden shared is a burden halved.” Possible people to talk to are a close relative or friend, a minister, a therapist, or the people who attend group therapy for grief. (Group therapy is often the most effective form of therapy, because you hear other peoples’ stories and bond with some of the people there.)
5. How do you know you’re “over” your grief?
Over time, grief triggers will occur less frequently, and they won’t be as strong. They will “soften” and become easier to bear.
Something will gradually change. You will start thinking of your future, and you will begin to feel comfortable with making plans (e.g., going to a movie, taking a walk together, planning a vacation). This is in contrast to the early “in your face” period. The deceased’s death will become a point or period in the timeline of your life. You have begun to live in what is called “the new normal”.
Every grief is different, and your experience may not fit the description given above. Take what you can use and leave the rest. Pay attention to your body and your unique experience.
At first, grief takes over your life, and unexpected triggers will blindside you. These lessen over time, and eventually you will experience a “new normal”. You will again be able to think about the future and make plans for doing things then.
No one has died from grief, but you have to go through it (“The only way out is through”). I hope this article will help you navigate through your grief.
Have courage and remember that you will survive this.
