How I Overcame Anxiety After Isolating During the Pandemic
Facing my fears after a lifetime of anxiety.
Anxiety has been a part of my life for as far as I can remember. Any unfamiliar situation caused me to get butterflies in my stomach, triggered a gag reflex, and made it so I was barely able to eat because my mind was thinking of everything that could go wrong.
It seemed like anxiety was going to control my decisions for the rest of my life. I thought the only way of dealing with it was ignoring any situation that would bring up these feelings as much as possible. But by doing this, I didn’t realize my anxiety would just become worse over time, not better.
Giving my mind the time to debate whether or not a situation was worth the anxiety or not, I was unable to face my fears head-on. I allowed it to become a part of my identity rather than viewing it as a mental health issue separate from who I am. And for the longest time, I treated it that way. I was my anxiety. At least that’s the story I would tell myself.
The One Step That Changed Everything
I had my first huge breakthrough in July 2019. After eating plant-based for a year, I decided that changing what I ate no longer felt like enough. I had an urgency to do something more for the animals. I knew my anxiety would get in the way but something felt different this time around.
I remember the day of my first animal rights event clearly. I remember the anxiety and fear I felt. It had taken me months to get the courage to go to one. I made up one excuse after another of why I shouldn’t go but they didn’t compare to the one reason why I should. Fighting for animal rights was bigger than me. I pushed myself in a way I never had before. Not because I no longer felt anxious but because I made the decision to not let it control my life anymore.
I arrived 20 minutes early but ended up being 20 minutes late because I was trying to muster up the courage to go. But all that mattered is that I eventually got out of my car. That was such a pivotal moment for me. Sure, I could’ve made it on time but I couldn’t deny how big of a step this was.
I met like-minded people and even got yelled at by strangers. I was drastically out of my comfort zone. Surprisingly, I felt good. All those fears washed away and I realized this was exactly where I wanted to be. Once I went to one event, I just wanted to keep the momentum going. I didn’t end up doing any outreach that time but on my third event, I did. I had grown in such little time. I was establishing myself as an activist, I was making friends, and most of all, I was facing my fears. I felt like I could finally be the person I wanted to be.
This Setback Was Just Another Opportunity to Thrive Even More
I wasn’t prepared for the pandemic to take away all the progress I had made. But with all future events canceled for the unforeseeable future, I ended up staying home as much as possible and eventually lost touch with my activist friends.
The pandemic took me to familiar territory of safety and comfortability. It gave me the perfect excuse to go back to my old routine. As months turned to a year, I convinced myself that I was back to the version of myself that let anxiety control my life. If anything, it got worse as I’m sure it did for everyone else. I felt like I had to start all over again.
While I truly believed that isolation was good for me as I could focus on myself and figure out what I wanted, it actually did the complete opposite. I already knew that activism was what I wanted to be doing with my life yet I came up with every excuse in the book to avoid admitting it. But that’s what anxiety does. It convinces you that you don’t need to go out of your comfort zone because you are surviving without doing that. But that’s the problem though — I’d be surviving, not thriving.
Moving during the pandemic, although it was only one city over, put me closer to a different group of activists. This meant I wouldn’t be going back to the friends I already made. I was going into new territory, again. It almost felt worse than the first time.
Not only would I be interacting with new people but they were also a much bigger community of activists. I believed they would be more intimidating because their activism is done on a bigger scale than I’m used to. I was also worried about driving, navigating, and parking in this new area as it’s more stressful in the city where most of the events take place.
I convinced myself that it would be harder this time around. That there was some additional obstacle I’d have to overcome in order to accomplish what I’ve already overcome before. But I was just in my head.
For what felt like ages, I couldn’t muster up the courage to start going to activist events again, especially alone. I was giving in to fear instead of actually going out there and experiencing life. But I realized that when you feel comfortable, there is no room for growth.
I Finally Got Out of My Own Way
I attended a couple of online events since the first lockdown and a few events with my sister in the first half of this year but I still wasn’t comfortable attending anything by myself. So I did something that gave me no option but to put myself out there again. I bought a ticket to a week-long conference that was happening at the end of September.
But this presented a new problem. If I didn’t know anyone, would I even go? Knowing myself, I knew I would have to try and get to know people in this activist community or I wouldn’t even have the courage to go to the conference.
So at the end of August, I finally made the decision to stop letting my anxiety control my life and just attend an event. As an introvert that has anxiety going to new places, I was insanely proud of myself for following through. And oddly, that’s all it took to remind me of why it’s all worth it.
I’ve learned so much about myself in such little time. Getting the courage to go to this one event actually set off a chain reaction of events. I became the host for a local circle which essentially means I help keep activists in my area connected to each other and updated about events. I was asked to be chapter member of the week. Then I was asked to speak in front of a small group of people about myself and tell my story. Never in a hundred years would I have thought I’d actually voluntarily speak in front of people. This all happened within a matter of weeks. Before I knew it, it was the Animal Liberation Conference where I had to put myself out there with a big crowd of people I didn’t know and make friends, which I did.
I also learned how to take public transportation. I’m able to go to the grocery store or get gas by myself without feeling anxiety. This one step gave me more than I thought it would. Once I pushed myself to do these things and realized that my fears didn’t come true, I was able to think of what can go right rather than what could go wrong. Constant exposure and repetition achieved what I thought I would never overcome.
Take It One Step at a Time
The pandemic has been hard on everyone. We discovered things about ourselves we’ve been avoiding. We realized how fast things could change. Our relationships, sanity, and humanity were tested. While I liked my alone time, the pandemic made me realize how important it is to feel connected to those around you.
But I haven’t completely crossed over to the other side and you don’t have to either. I still get nervous, I still overthink, I still overprepare. And that’s okay. What matters is that I am putting myself out there regardless of these things.
I have no doubt that I’m going to grow even more than who I was before the pandemic. It is only in extreme discomfort that we grow and prosper. I can’t wait to see where I go next. My goal is to always strive to be the person I want to be and pursue nothing less.
Even though it’s only been close to two months since I took that major step, my fears get a little smaller each time. It felt good knowing everything I’ve ever wanted has been there for me all along. I just had to get the courage to face my fears in order to be the best version of myself.
It Doesn’t Have to Define You
I know how it feels to think anxiety will control you for the rest of your life. I know what it’s like to think that it’s just a part of you that you can’t let go of. You don’t have to get rid of anxiety. You just have to learn how to live your life regardless of it.
Every little action counts. Go to the grocery store by yourself. Text that friend. Drive a different route than you’re used to. Go on a walk by yourself. Make that important phone call you’ve been meaning to make for months. Apply to that job. Ask for help when you need it. Go to that social event.
Do whatever terrifies you because the longer you think about the worse possible outcome, the more time you waste pondering over things that most likely aren’t going to happen. Take that step before you give yourself time to think of what might go wrong and instead realize what can go right.
I hope someday you find peace knowing that your fears are way worse than reality. Because chances are everything that you are scared of only exists in your head. Don’t be so afraid to live your life that you end up not living it at all. It won’t be an easy journey, but it’ll definitely be worth it.
Who knows, you might even surprise yourself. You are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for.
