How to Change the Stakes and Overcome Your Fear of Failure
“Failure is not an option!” — Ed Harris, Apollo 13
When I think of hitting the publish button my heart races and anxiety spikes. What if people know I’m a fraud? What if this is a waste of my time? 4 blog posts in and my writing career is already over. I’m not an author. I’m useless.
For a long time, I have dreamt of writing. As a therapist, I’ve learned so many ways to help people. If I could find a way to share, people’s lives would change. I’d be happier knowing that I was helping the world.
Yet, up until recently, I have been sitting on the sidelines. Frozen by fear of failure, I’ve sat dreaming instead of writing.
Locked deep in the human psyche, we view failure as detrimental to our survival. It strikes at the core of who we are. It defines us. When we fail, we call ourselves failures. It becomes our label; our ongoing badge of disappointment.
Rather than wearing that badge, we choose to not pursue our hearts’ desires. Risking ourselves is vulnerable; vulnerability is scary. It’s easier to stick with what you are good at than try something new.
And so the power of our thoughts stop us from chasing our dreams. Our thinking raises the stakes, making the gamble of vulnerability not worth it. It’s better to keep the chips I have rather than lose it all.
But what if you didn’t have to put any chips in? Would you chase your dreams?
Who wouldn’t?
In his TED Talk, Tom Wujec shares about a silly marshmallow challenge. In the results of his challenge, he found the secret to helping you rethink how you perceive failure.
The Marshmallow Challenge
Wujec performed this challenge with CEOs, Engineers, Business School Graduates, Kindergartners, and Architects. Teams of four were given a marshmallow, 20 sticks of spaghetti, tape, and string. With 18 minutes they were asked to build the tallest tower with the marshmallow attached to the top. The tallest tower won the competition.
To no one’s surprise, some of the top performers were kindergarteners. The worst performers were recent graduates of business school.
Wait, what?
How did the kindergartners, with their 1 year of education, do better than business school graduates?
The college graduates spent the entire time designing their structure. At the last minute, they tried to stand it up. Once lifted, the tower crumbled under the surprising weight of the marshmallow.
Who knew a marshmallow was so heavy?
Oh wait, the kindergartners knew. They learned it by erecting their structure and watching it collapse long before the 18 minutes were up. In fact, they tried to stand their building up several times before they finally got it right. They weren’t afraid to fail.
In hopes of increasing success rates, Wujec raised the stakes. He offered $10,000 to the winning team. Instead of improving success rates, all the teams failed. Where half the teams would usually succeed in building a tower, all failed when the stakes raised.
The Takeaway — Our Stakes are Too High
If the stakes are too high, we’re more likely to fail. We spend more time overthinking and less time doing. Our approach to chasing our dreams mirrors that of the business school students. We think, plan, and attempt to perfect ourselves before we ever risk. We want to win the game so we pressure ourselves to be the best. We attempt to swing the odds of gambling in our favor by making things perfect before we risk.
The problem is, how can you perfect something when you don’t know what’s wrong?
The kindergartners approached failing as a chance to learn. With each collapse of the tower, they saw what needed to be fixed. Their focus was on completing the task which meant they had to figure out the flaws first. They learned that spaghetti noodles bend leading to instability and that marshmallows are light in weight to a human but not to a noodle. Only by the tower collapsing did they realize their errors in judgment.
Learning to Fail
In truth, if you want to succeed, your tower needs to collapse too. To succeed you need to fail. Your mistakes will teach you. You need to choose to fail.
Doesn’t that sound terrible?
Even writing that was cringe-worthy. Yet, the word “choose” is important here. By choosing to fail, two things will happen:
1) You will stop over-identifying with your failure. You aren’t a failure because you failed. Your feelings will lie to you and try to convince you otherwise.
Yet the more you fail, the more you will see that your feeling is not a fact. Your failures don’t define you as a person. When you believe that, you will lower the stakes.
2) You’ll start to see failure as an opportunity to learn. Learning to ride a bike is the perfect example. It’s a cliché for a reason.
The option of failure becomes viable when we view it as an opportunity to learn. Not only are the stakes lowered but the benefits increase. It’s no longer life-or-death. It’s growth. That’s a gamble worth taking.
How to Shift Perspectives
In short, to chase your dreams is to change the stakes. Rather than trying to change the odds, we need to gamble less. This means we need to change how we are thinking about failure.
I know, thinking about failing is easier than doing it. In fact, that’s how we got into this mess. Learning to fail isn’t easy. I like writing about it; I hate doing it. But here are the tricks to changing your mindset:
1) Before risking yourself, ask yourself what you hope to gain from the experience. If it doesn’t work, what do you want to learn? This makes the situation a win-win rather and do-or-die. So set goals for growth. Experiment. Challenge yourself.
2) If things don’t work out the way you hoped, you can expect a wave of disappointment. Feel it and accept that you’re sad. However, remember the truth: You aren’t a failure. You’re learning and brave for doing so.
3) When the emotion subsides and you have the energy, reflect. What is one thing that you think you could’ve done differently? If you struggle to know, ask someone else. People you trust or experts in the field can give you meaningful feedback.
4) Now, make the change. Implement the suggestion that you had or that someone else offered you. Try it out. If you fail again, start over. Rarely does someone learn to ride a bike on the first go.
For me, the change in perspective has led me to hit the publish button. Rather than sitting in fear, I’m experimenting with different formats and trying to hone my voice. I’m learning something new and asking for feedback so that I can get better.
It’s been hard. In fact, it has been a roller coaster of emotion. Yet, I’m starting to have fun. A shift in perspective has allowed me to express myself in new ways while helping others.
I now wonder, what will you do if you change your perspective? Failure is an option. So what will you become?
