How to Date an Introvert, According to an Extrovert

Rule #1: Do Not Judge.

Opposites attract — or so they say, though we share a great deal: humor, worldview, desired level of food spiciness… and a few things that don’t matter but make for great common ground.

One of the things that we do not share is how our desired level of social interaction.

Despite my ability to cocoon, I occasionally emerge, well-dressed, and would like to be received by an audience. I want — perhaps need is a better word — people to, ever so occasionally, realize how charming and wonderful I am.

The thrill of being seen is alien to my boyfriend. He will rate a restaurant entirely based on the food with no regard for the ‘scene’ — no matter how spectacular.

With the exception of exceedingly interesting people, most social interactions are a tedious and thinly veiled mating ritual for him. Once you have your person, the vast majority of parties become a nuisance.

In reductive terms, I am the extrovert, and he is the introvert. Here is how we make it work.

The First Rule: Do Not Judge

When I say judgment, I mean self-judgment, too.

As a former hardcore introvert, I self-righteously thought that introverts are smarter, deeper, and more genuine than extroverts. By virtue of their focus on the external world, extroverts have less interesting internal lives — or so my fifteen-year-old self thought.

Like many of the things I wore in high school, this logic is outdated. Most specifically, it was crafted to justify my existence at the time.

Related Reading: “The Reign of Introverts Is Here”

Self-Judgment: A High School Relic

More than ever, which is to say, up from almost nothing, I enjoy talking to people. I get something out of social interactions for their own sake — even with people to whom I will never speak again.

Realizing this, judgment emerges.

Wanting to be liked is egotistical. Wanting to be seen is shallow. Wanting to buy expensive clothing and parade myself around is vain.

Contrary to what I thought for most of my life, I don’t have to justify my wants and needs to myself or some unseen, judgemental third party.

Different Does Not = Bad

If money and time weren’t factors, my best friend would go out to eat every single night for the rest of her life.

By contrast, my boyfriend would be happy to eat at home almost every evening — as long as we occasionally received restaurant-quality food and service.

“In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

It’s no coincidence that I fall somewhere between the two. Contrary to my initial impulse of annoyance when things do not go my way, their approaches are not bad because they are different from mine.

The Second Rule: Have Your Own Life

In all relationships preceding this one, I quickly became the best friend, parent, drinking buddy, and support system for my partner.

Men are socialized not have friends the way that women do, which turns out really poorly for lonely men and emotionally drained women.

With that in mind, you and your partner need lives apart from one another.

This may be harder than it sounds — particularly for men for whom the vulnerability required for friendship is frowned upon on a societal level.

After years of being the support system for men, dating a man who has close friends became one of my criteria.

The Third Rule: Realize That You Are Responsible for Your Emotions

I am writing this article not to help you but to help myself.

More elegantly put, I am working out a lifetime of messaging that I must be subsumed into my partner — and my guilt when I don’t do this.

When my partner wants to stay home and I want to go do something and I feel bad about it, that emotion has nothing to do with him and everything to do with what has preceded him.

I occasionally envy my gay friends because they miss out on the mountain of B.S. that comes with being in a heterosexual relationship. When you start dating someone, your relationship inherits centuries of religious undertones, sexism, and identity crises that I want nothing to do with.

The Fourth Rule (Which Should Perhaps Be the First): Talk About Your Differences

I can’t think of a time in my life when saying something out loud made it worse for me (including breaking up with people).

“I change every day, change my patterns, my concepts, my interpretations. I am a series of moods and sensations. I play a thousand roles. I weep when I find others play them for me.” — Anais Nin, The Diary of Anais Nin

With that in mind, my boyfriend and I talk about our introversion and extroversion. We bring two sets of keys with us to parties in case someone wants to leave. I don’t try to strongarm him into doing things he doesn’t want to do, and he isn’t disappointed in me for wanting to do them.

As two people who share so much, we are continuously fascinated by how differently we engage with the world. Perhaps most importantly, we remember to enjoy these differences.

Related Reading: “The Reign of Introverts Is Here”