How to Make a Difficult Decision in Four Steps
A tried a tested tool for facing the impossible.
Making difficult decisions such as moving, getting a new job, or making changes in relationships can be challenging as they come with both positive and negative attributes.
Simply making a pro/con list may not be helpful as the arguments on both sides can seem balanced.
These decisions often become difficult because thinking and feeling are not congruent.
We tend to focus on the cognitive aspects to make these decisions seem rational, but post-decision dissonance can arise when we have to face the consequences of whatever decision we have made.
Interestingly, psychology tells us that if the decision FEELS right, we will always find ways to justify it in retrospect.
So, how can we integrate both our feelings and thoughts into the decision-making process?
I am glad you asked
Let’s get to it.
The Following is a tool I have used regularly with clients of mine when facing a difficult decision. I got the original version from this book (only available in german at the moment).
First Step
Grab a Piece of paper and on the left side, start writing down options.
you can start binary here like:
- get a new job
- stay in the old job
but you will likely find that there are many subcategories between these two decisions.
e.g.:
- stay in the old job but actively look for a new one.
- address my current issues with my boss
You can also add odd or “unrealistic” options too:
- quit work and travel around the world
- Demand a 100% salary increase.
…
Ideally, you should have around 8–10 different options.
Second Step
On the right side of the option, draw two lines or thermometers from 0 to 100. One with a “+” sign and the other with a “-” sign. Or simply a + and — symbol.
These lines represent the positive and negative affect you feel behind each decision. For example, if you are considering getting a new job, rate how good that decision feels to you right now on a scale of 0 to 100.
How much positive feeling does the thought of that decision elicit in you?
Then turn it around.
If there were no obstacles in the way of experiencing that positive feeling, making the decision would be a straightforward task. However, certain challenges need to be addressed — even if these challenges are “just” subjective obstacles.
How strong is the internal resistance you experience when contemplating the decision? Do you feel a physical tightening or constriction in your body?
How strong is the urge to avoid making that decision?
On a scale of 0 to 100, where 0 represents no resistance and 100 represents the highest level of resistance, where do you stand?
go through all of the options.
Third Step
Now we move from feeling to thinking.
What are the reasons for the negative as well as the positive affect of each of the decisions?
Explain why you feel “good” or “bad” towards making any of these decisions.
reflect on the cognitive reasoning behind why you feel that way.
Maybe some of the options are already getting filtered out — that is fine.
Fourth Step
Grab a new piece of paper and go through each of the remaining options.
Is there ANYTHING you can do to increase the positive affect and decrease the negative affect?
what could you do make an decision go from a +70 to a +80?
What could you do to decrease the negative affect of the same decision? By how much?
It can be extremely helpful to seek an outside perspective at this stage. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend or coach for additional insights. The goal is to identify your locus of control and determine if you can take an active role in influencing how you feel about your decisions.
Final Step
If you still have not filtered out one decision. here are a few questions to help you narrow down your decision.
if you made this decision right now, what is the WORST Thing that could possibly happen?
Could you live with the risks of such a catastrophe?
Can you think of ways to mitigate that catastrophe?
Who or what could help you in case it still happened?
What is the cost of inaction? What would happen 5, or 10 years from now if you were not to make that decision?
When you have made a decision that feels right, you may tend to rationalize it later on either way.
However, not making any decision at all is usually the worst decision.
Therefore the best one is often to make a decision and comit to it.
Good luck on the journey.
