Kaleidoscope Tears
In-between every blink we see an array of colors in the spectrum of our vision. Blues are above us in the sky and near us in the oceans. We see greens in the grass and trees around us. Reds and yellows in the sun and within nature itself. We process them and recognize that they are colors. Particles of light that is transmitted through our retinas and into the cones within our eyes to process what we see and identify as color. It is those colors that we not only identify objects, but also emotions. Each representing a feeling that is churning within us. An expression that is flowing through our core souls and out our fingertips. The body reacts and convulses as those emotions stir.
In my journey I have experienced a menagerie of colors and emotions. Each one a single stepping stone that has helped to process out trauma and welcome in peace and forgiveness. Each color that has poured out of me has meant something. A deeper meaning than what is seen. A meaning that is saturated in KALEIDOSCOPE TEARS.
Anger in the Shade of Red
Red. I see red. I see no other color in my sight. Everything is draped in a deep bloodied cloth that is deeper than scarlet and yet somehow lighter than maroon. The anger that is within me is layered and segregated into many directions. It is an emotion that has taken me over more than I am willing to admit. I saw it the day I was told what my future would hold. I saw it the day I felt alone. I saw it the day that I felt shut away. Red has been the garment I wear. A veil over my head and draped around my shoulders. No other color. No other light. No other spectrum of existence penetrates my mind. Just red.
I dwell of what has transpired. I think on how those I counted on let me down. I see red. I feel red. I taste red on my tongue as words foam out of my mouth. Words of RESENTMENT and words of PAIN. A fire swells in my veins. It aches to burst free and swallow those that fed me to the wolves. I would be lying if I said I didn’t hate them for it. A part of me did. The rage that was in me…that is still in is a pool of livid seething lava that is ready to erupt. I want to burn them all. After all, a phoenix may be beautiful, but we are not to be taken lightly. I see ANGER IN THE SHADE OF RED…
But I’m working on it.
Sadness in the Shade of Blue
Blue. I see blue. I see no other color in my sight. Everything is submerged in a deep blue ocean. There is no light other than a blue haze. My body is drifting through the waves. I can not see the surface only the water around me. My body is cold from it. Freezing and becoming waterlogged. My skin is wrinkling and my lungs are swollen. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. I can’t think. All I see is blue. The color comes back to me in waves. Crashing across jagged rocks and towering cliffs that are filled with the lonely and broken. They are like me. Knowing that the only way out is to jump head first down into the watery deep. They too are surrounded by blue.
Drifting further and further into the deep. The waters around me are crushing. They hold me tight in their grip. Poseidon watches from his palace deep. A smile roams across his pallid face. I am alone in this. I was alone in it. I felt alone. Am I alone now I wonder as I see others around me. Others that are drowning in the ocean blue. Others that are just trying to find their way to the surface. Others that are trying to find their way to the top. Sea foam fills my mouth and salt dries up my heart. Lonely is what I felt. Lonely is what I still feel. How can anyone understand this feeling. Those around me that are drifting through the blankness of the sea understand my sorrow. They understand my pain. They understand what it means to be lonely. I see SADNESS IN THE SHADE OF BLUE…
But I’m working on it.
Happiness in the Shade of Green and Yellow
Green. I see green. I see no other color in my sight. Fields of beautiful meadows covered in the greenest grass. It moves in a soothing wave as the breeze drifts through their leaves. The smell of fresh air fills my lungs. I can breathe. I inhale and exhale. It is spring time. The birds chirp freely in the forest behind me and the butterflies flutter from one yellow flower to the next. Collecting pollen and dispersing it to each stamen. The flowers dance as they are receiving life from the beautiful insects. Their vibrant wings are of multicolored explosions. They sing a soft song as they drink the nectar. A smile is on my face. I see life. Life that is beginning a new. Life that is being cultivated and cared for in a way that I needed and still do.
Six small legs land on my arm. No twelve, no eighteen. More and more vibrant butterflies land on my skin. Their soft touch is reassuring. In this moment I feel seen. In this moment I am happy. The gentle sway of the trees tell me that life is precious and should be celebrated. A gentle touch of a cool breeze touches my cheek. It treasures me. It reassures me that I am not a burden. What has happened to me was not my own doing. It was part of a plan bigger than my own understanding. There is a growing peace in my heart. It is fleeting at times, but I am informed that with each step I take, it will stick longer. So I continue to breathe. I continue to look up at the sun. Its golden yellow beams shine down on my face. Tears fall from my eyes. Is this what freedom feels like? Is this what healing feels like? I’m trying to see HAPPINESS IN THE SHADE OF GREEN AND YELLOW…
But I’m working on it.
Me. I see me. I see no other in sight. I see me in the reflection of the mirror. I see the colors bursting from my skin, sliding from my eyes, pouring out of my mouth. Every color of who I am, I see it. For so long I only saw one color at a time. Each representing what my feelings were and what they still are. Emotions that are much deeper than I had ever thought possible. They are real. They are a part of who I am. Where I was afraid to say them before, I lack the fear now. Those that let me down when I needed them most; they caused me to see red. Those that made me feel lonely and small, they caused me to see blue. Me…but me though…I caused me to see happiness. I relied on who I was and relied on what I felt. I clenched my teeth and closed my fist. I pushed through. I didn’t do it for them, I did it for ME.
I caused me to see green and yellow.
In this journey, I have endured more than I ever thought I could. I still have raw emotions pouring out of me. Emotions that I will no longer hide for the sake of others. Emotions that are my own and deserve to be heard. In the streams of my KALEIDOSCOPE TEARS I now see ME.
That’s the one the counts the most.
