Lessons I’ve Learned From Rejection
A collection of mini-stories about a terrifying word: “No”
I have been afraid of rejection for my entire life.
It didn’t matter what I might be rejected by — school, friends, dating, jobs. I was petrified to hear, “No, you’re not the right one.”
Just because I was afraid of it doesn’t mean I could avoid it. I have heard some iteration of that phrase many times.
But for a long time, it tore me apart when I heard it. It immobilized me. My fear was so great that I would shy away from taking risks in my career and my artistic expression. I now regret skipping out on many of them.
Recently, my relationship with rejection has started to change. Between the pandemic, my unemployment, the recession, and my new attempt at writing — let’s just say, I’m becoming more accustomed to being told “No”. I still don’t love it. I don’t think anyone does. But I’m becoming more comfortable with it. That has allowed me to reflect on my history of rejection and finally realize gems of wisdom that my previous fear kept at bay.
Rejection hurts in the present moment, but you may see its beauty in hindsight.
Take colleges, for example. I applied to many more colleges than necessary and heard the big N-O from more than one. But the one that crushed me the most was the college I was convinced I needed to attend. I remember opening the letter that confirmed my biggest fear at that time. It wasn’t a hard yes — they put me on the waitlist. In other words — rejected, but with some padding. That crushed me. Years later, however, I realized something profound.
That college rejection letter was a blessing.
Why? Because I was 18, unsure of what I was doing with my life (some things don’t change), and ready to party. The college that I dreamed of going to was a private liberal arts college that would have cost me tens of thousands of dollars more per year than the university I actually attended.
Plus, I struggled for my first two years as an undergrad. I’m convinced that would have happened no matter where I went. Without that rejection, I would have thrown away precious money and accumulated unnecessary debt to struggle the same amount.
That fateful “No” had, dare I say, saved me in some ways. That experience of rejection was crushing at the time but, in hindsight, I understood it as a beautiful thing.
Experiencing the “No” makes the “Yes” worth more.
I have floundered just as much trying to date as I did with my college applications.
The story was always the same. If I was interested in someone, then they wouldn’t be interested in me. If someone was interested in me, then I wouldn’t be interested in that person.
Call it Murphy’s Law or whatever, but it sucked. Being rejected again and again by people I liked was terribly painful. Then I found the one who said “Yes” when I said “Yes” — because he was the right one at the right time. And now he’s been my partner for over 7 years.
Having had all the “Nos” before finding my current partner makes me appreciate him so much more. My previous experiences of rejection help me understand the true value of our relationship. It made the “Yes” so much sweeter.
Sometimes it’s not about the person being rejected — it’s about the person doing the rejecting.
I know this lesson by being the one who did the rejecting. Several people expressed interest in me when I was younger. And I rejected them. Sometimes I was just not interested. But other times, it had nothing to do with them. They were lovely people.
To be honest, I had strong feelings for one of the guys I rejected. Yet, I would watch myself shy away and reject his sweet, kind gestures. I didn’t quite understand my behaviors at the time. I remember wishing that I could just be normal and enter into a serious relationship with him.
My rejection of him happened, not because there was anything wrong with him or his expressions of kindness or love — but because there was something wrong with me! Because I wasn’t emotionally stable enough for a committed relationship. I was too undeveloped and immature. And I had untreated mental health struggles at that time. Something inside me inherently knew that and didn’t want to burden this person.
So, instead, I rejected him. Without even the decency to explain why, because I didn’t know why at the time.
But my rejection of him was never about him — it was about me.
No one can be everyone’s cup of tea, which naturally leads to rejection at some point in time.
Not to seem off-topic, but do you know how many teas are out there? I never realized how many different types of tea exist in the world until my friend took me to a lovely teahouse on the outskirts of Seattle this winter. They had endless tea options. Each housed in little labeled jars that went from floor to ceiling, across an entire wall of the cafe.
I couldn’t believe it. There were too many options! And suddenly, I had an embodied understanding of that phrase, “It’s not my cup of tea.”
What I realized after going to that cafe was — damn, I am not everyone’s cup of tea. Quickly followed by, thank god I’m not because there’s a crap ton of tea out there — and I’d be exhausted if I tried to be all those flavors.
The moral of the story is, it is completely unnatural to be liked or accepted by everyone. You cannot be everyone’s “cup of tea” since there are too many types of tea in existence. It reminds me of when I haven’t been chosen for a work position because the employer didn’t think I was the right fit. In other words, I wasn’t their cup of tea.
Stick to your true flavor and those who like it will appreciate you.
Rejection may help you find your authentic friends (and maybe your real purpose in life).
I moved to a small town about 6 years ago and found it hard to make friends. Because of my anxiety and fear of rejection, it’s difficult for me to reach out to a potential friend. No one loves being vulnerable, right? So I was proud of myself when I did it one day after meeting someone new. This woman acted as if she was interested in being my friend. We exchanged contact information.
But then, when I reached out to her a couple of times, she never responded. She just ignored me. It was clear from social media that she was engaged with other friends and activities. She never said these words to me, but after several failed attempts, the message was clear: “I’m not actually interested in being your friend.”
Gosh. It hurt. I’m embarrassed to admit that it crushed me so much. In part because her social media activity made me realize… I didn’t have anything in common with her. She was always drinking and partying and going out in big groups. I’m not into that stuff.
In the end, her rejection was a blessing too. She saved me from getting caught up in crowds that I didn’t want to be in and wasting my time with activities I didn’t like. I couldn’t see that at the time because of my desperation to find new friends in a new town.
Even unspoken, her “No” helped me realize that I needed to be patient and find people I had an authentic connection with who shared similar values.
These stories illustrate just some of my lessons learned. Each one is teaching me to embrace and understand rejection a little more.
- Rejection hurts the moment it happens but can be something you’re grateful for in hindsight.
- Having the experience of getting rejected makes the opposite — being truly accepted — so much sweeter.
- Sometimes the rejection says more about the person doing it than it says about you.
- No one and nothing can be the right fit for everyone — no person, thing, job, or perspective is everyone’s cup of tea.
- Rejection may be the guide you need to find your authentic friend group instead of wasting your precious time and energy on relationships that don’t align with your true nature.
I offer these lessons not because I think they’re a one-size-fits-all listicle that will absolutely apply to your life. I understand that my experience of rejection is unique (as is yours). It’s also determined by my identity as a White hetero cisgender woman and that each experience of rejection may be further compounded by societal factors of oppression and marginalization.
My hope in sharing this is to help de-stigmatize the feeling and fear of rejection for someone out there who may need it. I hope that you’re able to find lessons of your own in the rejection you’ve experienced in your life too.
I plan to practice letting the sting of rejection linger on the surface rather than penetrate to my inner core. That way, it’s less likely to drag me down. I can be quicker to get up and dust myself off. If that feels helpful for you, then I hope you can practice doing the same.
Thanks for reading! Stay connected with me through my Earth Lovers Newsletter.
