Looking Through the Looking Glass
“But it’s no use now,” thought poor Alice, “to pretend to be two people! Why, there’s hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!” —Chapter 1, Down the Rabbit-Hole, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
The Rabbit Hole Of Unexpected Choices
One foot in front of the other. Keep your head up. Grint through the pain. Take a deep breath…now smile. I constantly repeat this phrase to myself when I roll out of bed in the morning. I approach the new day with a new set of lens that I pop into my head. The smile I put on is from the lipstick that I don’t own, but somehow find in the bathroom cabinet. Create the prettiest smile I can think of. The lines are uneven and the width is off. I rub foundation on my face, covering my skin in dark tint above the pale color underneath. I hide the blemishes and the scars that I carry with me. The scars that continue to tear open when unexpected pressure is given to them. No time to think. No time to pretend. No time to ask questions. Just put more makeup on and pretend that I am okay. That I am alright. I tell myself the best lies.
I wait patiently for The White Rabbit to show himself to me. To lead me down his tiny RABBIT HOLE OF UNEXPECTED CHOICES and take me far away to a place where I am not known. A place where I can shed the skin of my old life and throw it away into the warmth of the Spring breeze. I watch the water turn from blue to red as droplets of blood drip from the wind. My time to finally regrow a new shield has come. A new boundary line not drawn into the dirt, but sealed with blood and tears. Finally, breathing the air that was taken from me for so many years. Take a breath.
“Drink Me”, “Eat Me”
“It was all very well to say ‘Drink me,’ but the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry. ‘No, I’ll look first,’ she said, ‘and see whether it’s marked ‘poison’ or not;’…” “…EAT ME” were beautifully marked in currants. “Well, I’ll eat it,” said Alice, “and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach the key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the door: so either way I’ll get into the garden, and I don’t care which happens!” —Chapter 1, Down the Rabbit-Hole, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
My doctor says “take this pill and forget about it all.” I stared down at the tiny white tablet on my hand. Euphoria. I was offered the red pill for strength and fight. It would make me stronger, but my emotions would be zombified under the cloak of red plastic. I was offered the blue pill for understanding and sympathy, but my tears would fill the oasis that is struggling to grow in the desert of my deepest self. I consider both options. I consider what I would gain. Both pills would be the perfect remedy for the trauma and hurt I have acquired, but it would only numb the feeling. At least with the white pill I won’t have to think. I won’t have to worry about the repercussions of the actions others have gifted me so generously in a pretty turquoise box wrapped up with a red bow. It’s so pretty I think to myself. I take it and open it with the hopes that it will enlighten me and assist me, all it does it is cause pain.
Is there a way to return this gift? Is there a way to pretend it was never given to me. I open the box and inside is a small phylactery full of blue liquid and a red heart shaped cookie. Written on small pieces of parchment attached to the box is a note that reads “DRINK ME, EAT ME.” Here I am again, stuck with a choice that is enticing and curious to the imagination. My gut tells me to draw a line, to avoid these orders that I have been given, but that’s not who I am after all. So I eat the treats provided for me. One moment I am tall and the next I am small. Am I ever going to find the right size? Silly little boy, don’t you know better by now?
Photo by JoelAmatGuell, deviantART I Painted the Roses Red
“A large rose-tree stood near the entrance of the garden: the roses growing on it were white, but there were three gardeners at it, busily painting them red. Alice thought this a very curious thing, and she went nearer to watch them…” — Chapter 8, The Queen’s Croquet-Ground, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
It is very clear to say that I should always follow the rules. Never color out of lines and always, always do what I’m told. How silly those rules are, especially when I’ve reached the point in my life where coloring out of the lines and flowing against the grain comes so natural to me. For years, those white colored roses looked at me in perfection. A glimpse of purity while under it all were rows of thorns itching to tear open my skin and draw blood. I was told to never go near them. Never stray to far into the garden for the wild beast would devour me. I longed for such a thing to happen. I longed for the moment I would break free from the boundaries of a garden that has been planted with hypocrisy and fake smiles. The people who lived behind the rose wall with me wore disfigured mask of perfect faces while hiding their true identity under the porcelain that they so desperately wanted to cover. I went along with it, I continued to go along with it. I allowed it to happen because I never understood the word “no.” “Make me happy and follow what I say; you do as I say without questions.” I nodded and I smiled behind tear marinated lips. Yes, I will do as you say. Yes, I will do what you wish. Respect was given not earned. The titles of kings and queens should always be honored, even when they inflict the deepest pain. Pains of the heart while breaking the will. “Maybe they didn’t realize what they were doing” I would say. “Maybe they didn’t mean to say those things.”
The time came though that it was time to break free from the boundaries of those beautiful rose bushes. Inch by inch, I pushed by each thorn, their sharp ends biting at my skin. My blood turned the white peddles red. I looked down in fear and wonder at the sight I was seeing. Pure and perfect as they were, the roses that kept me in were no longer white, I PAINTED THE ROSES RED with the blood from my veins. It was time to BREAK FREE. Allow the boundary for my happiness to be drawn from the paint within my body. The time for pleasantries were over. It’s now time, you silly little boy, to free yourself and become the man you need to be.
Madness Is Just A Teacup Away
“Take some more tea,” the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.“I’ve had nothing yet,” Alice replied in an offended tone, “so I can’t take more.” “You mean you can’t take less,” said the Hatter: “it’s very easy to take more than nothing.” Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
I always find it strange how easy it was to be pulled into the numbing madness of idol preachings. The words said never made sense, that was, unless I was to crawl into the brain of the one speaking to make sense of the senseless that senselessly ran through hot wired neurolinks and out of a mouth. You offered your tea and asked if I wanted to add sugar to it. It would make it taste better you said. I did what you asked and regretted it much later. With words lukewarm flowing from your lips, it was a wonder I never spit them out to begin with. Still I couldn’t do much. I was pressed under a thumb of a well manicured nail and the boot of a steel toed shoe. I imagine it was strange when I slipped from from the pressure. You showed your true colors though. I listened to the vile words come from your mouth. You were never going to help me because it wasn’t in the interest of you. I take the words and place them back into your Glass China tea kettle to use as salt instead of sugar. Bitter is better than bland.
One sip. Two sips. Three sips…anymore than that and it would taste like medicine. Then again…another shot of medicine maybe, no, not maybe, IT IS better than none. MADNESS IS JUST A TEA CUP AWAY, I imagine it’s a good thing it’s presented in the best teacups. So I’ll sip it. Cringe. Gag. Swallow. At least it went down. Lucky for you I enjoy tea.
The Looking Glass Reveals Truths
“To the Looking-Glass world it was Alice that said ‘I’ve a sceptre in hand, I’ve a crown on my head. Let the Looking-Glass creatures, whatever they be, Come and dine with the Red Queen, the White Queen, and me.” Through the Looking Glass
The term ignorance is bliss is the biggest lie I could have ever told myself. Not knowing but yet knowing at the same time…there is a hint of insanity in that mindset. Why wouldn’t I want to know what is going on around the world around me? Why wouldn’t I want to challenge the bull, take it by the horns, and ride it? Become a warrior who straddles on the back of large beast…much larger than myself. Realization of the reality that I live in is a safe haven of knowledge and growth. There is learning in suffering and power in pain.
The years have taught me the vile nature of people and the sickness that they cause, but it has also taught me that there is beauty in the pain of heartbreak and branding in the fires of adversity and solitude. Around me I see mirrors of all sizes. Shapes. Colors. Carvings. I see myself in the reflection of the glass and silver coatings. Each one reveals a new side of me. They each reveal a new versions of who I want to be as well as the version of me that I am. Though the many versions of myself can be overwhelming, I find that each reflection shows the person I am, the person I was, and the person I could be. The ghost of my past, though haunting as they may be, are merely specters of a life that I once lived.
With a hammer in my hand, I break the images of the old me. The me that you loved more. I smile as the shards fall to the ground and continue looking around the vast room of reflective clones of myself, smashing all the ones that have no value to who I want to be. Cleverly, I take a piece of broken mirror with me as a reminder to continue to push forward. Grint my teeth.
LOOKING THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS is not always a bad thing. It grants the chance of growth and possibilities that I once never expected out of myself. Truth is, falling down that rabbit hole was the best thing for me. It has given me the chance to reinvent who I want to be. It gives me the chance to rediscover who I am. It is in that notion that I can admit my change was geared through tragedy and sharpened by circumstance.
It’s okay now. Take a deep breath and breathe. “One foot in front of the other. Keep your head up. Grint through the pain. Take a deep breath…now smile. The world is your oyster silly boy.”
