My Biggest Humiliation and How It Improved My Ego
Sage advice from a Franciscan Priest on the benefit of being humiliated
My husband would definitely be a jerk if it weren’t for me, I’m sure of it.
I’m not throwing him under the bus. He actually is a wonderful husband, engaged Dad to our two sons, and makes me belly laugh daily. But our tendency as humans, if left unchecked, is to let our ego run wild.
And this is different for everyone.
It can rear its ugly head as perfectionism (can I get an amen from my fellow recovering perfectionists out there?) or a need to defend to the point of rupturing relationships.
Ego is a brutal peace-stealer. And when our ego is overly inflated, we think we know better; better than God’s divine wisdom, better than someone else’s personal story and experience.
And at the same time, the darkness of ego tells us to tuck our faults down deep so no one can see. This way of living breeds frustration, anger, and bitterness, in other words, a lackluster, joy-less life.
One of my favorite theologians, Franciscan Priest Richard Rohr, penned this line in one of his most compelling books, Falling Upward:
“I have prayed for years for one good humiliation a day, and then I must watch my reaction to it.”
Okay Richard, you know I love you, but really!?
The More Self-Absorbed, The Harder The Fall
Following up on my husband (I got his permission by the way), like I said, he’s great! And building a husband’s ego is a good thing…to a point. Fellow Medium author Noel Rock’s article A Man Will Never Feel Loved Until You Learn To Treat Him This Way says it this way, “men feel loved when you protect and romance their ego.”
Being just shy of 30 years of marriage, I definitely agree, however, the truth is, without me keeping him in check, I do believe my sweet hub’s ego would get out of control. He can come across as a know-it-all and I am the only person who calls him out.
And, if I’m being honest, so would mine. My ego comes out in perfectionism and a fear of making mistakes. Total opposite of my husband’s.
When left unchecked, our ego — an exaggerated sense of self-importance along with a fear of letting people see our true selves, which includes our faults — sinks us.
The Passion translation of the bible Proverbs 16:18 goes like this
The higher you lift yourself up in pride, the harder you’ll fall in disgrace.
The opposite of ego is humility, which is where Richard’s prayer of one humiliation each day starts to make sense.
When we embrace our humanness, consider our weaknesses as par for the course, we become softer with ourselves and others. We realize everyone is in this wild imperfect ride called life together and it’s our human imperfections that make us relatable, approachable, even likable.
When I remember my way is not your way of doing, thinking, being, living, spending, loving, then it’s all good. You are in process the same as me, just waking up each morning and trying to do our best with the resources and understanding we have at the time.
My Personal Dose of Daily Humiliation
My husband and I joke around a lot, life is too short not to. We take loving little jabs at each other about this and that, playfully keeping each other honest and humble. In other words, we call each other out on our crap.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. — Mark Twain
If we can’t laugh at ourselves, smile at our fumbles, embrace our imperfections, roll out the welcome mat for our humanness, we will always get stuck in emotional turmoil. Our minds and bodies will be tangled in knots.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” — Brené Brown
On the other end of the spectrum is being on guard, rigid, and closed off. Even writing these words I feel a constriction in my body (being an embodiment coach has its benefits). Building walls, a life of constriction, is no way to live into joy, peace, and freedom.
My Biggest Humiliation
I’ve felt humiliations a-plenty. I put my foot in my mouth daily. I have numerous entrepreneurial flops in my past. My attempts at being an A+ mom have dissolved into a yelling match more than I would care to tell anyone.
But the most recent and tender is my mindless mistake I made in the kitchen with the sharp edge of a bean can. Yep, you are likely cringing already, it wasn’t pretty. I was home alone, making my family’s favorite chili, stuck my hand in a half opened bean can that my former opener did a terrible job of opening and WHAMOO — I slit both tendons in my pinky..
Yes, mistakes happen I told myself. Was I also multitasking with a rom-com movie in the background? I neither admit nor deny that fact. Ultimately, my ego was bruised, and that bruise hit particularly deep because I teach the benefits of mindfulness!
And to this day, over a year later, looking at my now crooked pinky I will catch myself. My instinct is to shake my head in humiliation, but then I notice my reaction and remember my humanness and I soften.
Want more Peace? Befriend Humiliation
Richard says after he receives his one humiliation a day, he watches his reaction.
How about you? If and when you feel humiliated, how does your mind, body, and heart respond?
Maybe emotional anger, defensiveness, or physical constriction?
Is there a quick knee-jerk respond of defending yourself? “That’s not true! They just don’t understand!”
A question I ask myself, “to what end?”
Is it my ego that needs massaging? Can I boost my sense of self-worth in healthier ways?
Would I rather dig in my heels and feel like I am “right” or would I rather live into freedom, joy, and connection with others?
Humility is a virtue. Just like all virtues — such as patience, compassion, and courage — can be strengthened with repetition or lost through complacency. Similar to skills, the more you practice befriending humiliation, the more comfortable it becomes.
Can you shift your mindset to consider humiliations as a pathway to purposeful living? Your humiliations as something to honor instead of hide? Can we see the ‘crooked fingers’ of your life as precious lessons to do different, be different, live more gratefully, heartfully, mindfully?
Me with my crooked pinky are not quite ready to pray for a humiliation a day like Richard, but each time I bump into one, I am becoming more willing to watch my reaction and choose a response that moves me in the direction of more joy and freedom. Progress.
How about you?
