My Desire to Be Seen as a Child Turned Into the Desire to Be Hidden as An Adult
Why I want to live a ‘hidden’ life
What did you want as a child so much so that it still controls your behavior subconsciously?
Take a pause, and try to answer this question to yourself because you might just find the reason for all your ‘sufferings’ or ‘motive’ behind what you do.
I will go first.
All I wanted as a child was to SEEN. Not just seen, but seen as the smartest, funniest, and most beautiful one. However, irrespective of my *wants*, I was always the invisible one.
For example: I remember an incident from fifth grade. Two of my friends and I were talking in class before the teacher could come. The topic shifted to what our moms were good at. The two of them started sharing the best qualities of their mothers. And I tried speaking for, I guess, five times to tell them that my mom was a really good artist and that there is a great painting at our home that she made using Indian pieces. But…..my chance didn’t come as if I was speaking only inside my head.
I had a desire to be seen and heard since then. I wanted people to find me the most amusing and intelligent one.
And guess what?
After a really bad year in college, I got exactly what I wanted. I became part of the student council and I was so good at my work that everyone knew me. Since I had powers, juniors wanted to be my friends and seniors never messed with me knowing fully well that I would shut their mouths. At every event, I was the first one to be included. Teachers loved me and I had a lot of people always around me.
Then college ended. I was back at home.
Two things to remember:
- I had no friends in my hometown. My shyness coupled with regularly changing schools was a result of that.
- I didn’t know what I wanted from life. I was desperate to make something happen but I didn’t know the ‘how’ or ‘what.’
The Forced ‘Alone Time’:
‘If you sit with people, you will find their stories. If you sit with yourself, you will find yourself.’
I didn’t like being alone when I came back to my hometown. In college, I was living a ‘loud’ life. I was the center of everything, in a good way. I had great friends. Even though all my friends had a separate room of their own, we were always in the same room even when we were fighting for space. We wouldn’t be doing anything, just scrolling social media, taking a nap, or cleaning the wardrobe yet we would stay in the same room. There were times when not even a single word was spoken yet there was comfort to be in a space with people we loved.
Then suddenly, all of it was gone. All my friends just evaporated into thin air. Everyone moved away, shifted to another city, or went back to their homes to restart.
I didn’t know how to be alone. And more specifically, ‘What do I do with this alone time?’
The Heartbreaks Leading To Humbleness:
I tried to approach this paragraph in many different ways just so I could make my point. But I think the reality is what will hit you. So there you go:
“The Universe breaks you into thousand pieces, forces you to be alone, and leaves you on the verge of nothing so you can heal, find yourself and build a life that truly ignites your soul.”
I had a belief that if someone is a favorite child of God or the Universe, they must get everything they pray for. Now looking at my life, I feel if you are the favorite child of God, your heart will get broken into a thousand pieces first.
How?
Back in 2021, I got a client who approached me via Instagram to write a book for him. I worked on his project for three months. I stayed up long nights. I had 3–4 hours calls with him almost every other day. I wrote in my journal that I am grateful to God for giving me such an opportunity and that when this book gets out, my career will be set. Three months later, he took all the work and blocked me from every place. He didn’t pay me anything. I was heartbroken. Completely shattered.
The thing to remember here is that, while I was working on this project, I had a big movie playing in my mind all along about how I would be one of the most successful ghostwriters. My name will be on a book that I was promised will be published by Penguin. I was really in seventh heaven.
The Start of A Lifelong Love Story:
This one incident pushed all my buttons. It just broke me.
Though to be very honest with you, once it was done, I was relieved as well. I was burned out in these three months. I didn’t have any energy left to find more clients or work on anything else. I completely withdrew myself from the external world. I stopped creating content on my Instagram page as well.
In short, I didn’t want to do anything that was *sucking* the life out of me. I wanted to live a very private life wherein I could take a lot of rest and not work if I didn’t want to. I did just that. I didn’t talk to my friends or never share what I was going through with anyone.
I was clueless. I felt like it was a slap on my face. Like God wanted to say to me, ‘You will never get what you want.’ Not only my dream was crushed, but the future seemed blurred as well.
I don’t know what came to me during this time that I decided to completely cut off everything and take my time to clean up the mental mess.
The more time I spent away from the world, especially from social media, the more peaceful I felt. Gradually, I forgot about what had happened and I was rather happy to feel this unfamiliar feeling of being at home with myself.
As I said, I was not in touch with anyone’s life updates, and I had unfollowed everyone who was teaching how to make 6 figures online, it never crossed my mind that I was behind in life and that I should leave that cup of coffee to do something that can take me to the top 1% club.
I just started living. And it was beautiful to finally experience what it feels like to be on earth and be excited for the small details of your life. To wake up just to enjoy coffee and to go to bed with a cup of hot milk and a good book to read.
This time, being alone and away from the public eye, healed something so deep inside me that I felt a constant source of divine power was walking with me at all steps.
I forgot about success and making it big in the world. My only motive was this — give all my attention to the work/moment/person I am with.
If I am writing then I am lost in this work. If I am talking to you, my eyes are on you and I am not eager to reply back. If I am out, I am probably gazing at the sky, or wondering where the birds disappear.
Life gradually became sweet like I could smell spring. I never felt the urge to share any of these things on social media like I used to. In fact, I had deleted my personal Instagram account and I stopped sharing my personal pictures/information on my public account. If I am traveling then you don’t have to know it for me to enjoy it.
Just like this, the less I shared about my life, the more I was present in my life. The fewer eyes were on me, the more free I felt to do anything. The more time I spent alone, the more I learned about myself, the good and the bad and it became easier to accept myself.
I fell in love deeply with myself and my life.
All my life, I wanted to seen and if that meant wishing to be someone else then I was ready to do it. In fact, I did things that I never wanted to do just so I could be seen and accepted. But now, even if you give me a million dollars or a sure-sure ticket to heaven, I wouldn’t change who I am. Because I have realized what a privilege it is to be exactly who I am.
And I believe all of us have the ability to love ourselves so deeply that even the most tempting things from the world cannot influence our minds. What we need is the ability to want to do things for ourselves without the desire to be seen.
If there is a desire to be seen, it means you are doing it for them not for yourself. It means you are not *lost* in your work or in your life so much so that you don’t care what is happening around you.
It took me some dream breaks, some friendship breaks, some betrayals, and some mistakes to finally live a hidden life and enjoy the life I am constantly choosing for myself.
My ego wanted to be seen.
My spirit wanted to live in peace.
I try my best to constantly choose the section option. I fail at times because the world has too many temptions to offer. But every time I live for myself, I feel peace revolving around me. That, to me, is more important than anything else.
Conclusion:
What did you want as a child so much so that it still controls your behavior subconsciously?
Remember this question?
If you can answer this question, you may end up with an answer to why you cannot live a life that comes from you and why you have the urge to live a life that just looks good.
I have talked about more in detail in my book, The Magic of Creative Living. You can get the book if you find this article resonating.
