The 5 Qualities of Joyful People
They know one essential thing above all else.
My worthiness lies in the hands of others.
This is the unquestioned belief many of us hold in our hearts.
When we embark on a path of seeking validation from the outside world, we are met with the nagging and relentless feeling of never being enough. We can have the most enviable life — the perfect partner, the beautiful house, the fancy degree, and the designer shoes. But the ultimate ingredient for happiness will always be missing.
Truly joyful people are lit up from within. They don’t expect life to make them happy because they recognize this as an inside job and see external situations for what they are — precarious and always changing. Things are temporary, and people are unpredictable. Inner joy is their responsibility and theirs alone.
Time and again, I’ve noticed that people who approach life this way engage with their surroundings quite differently.
Here are five things joyful people don’t do:
1. They Don’t Dwell on the Past
Die to everything of yesterday so that your mind is always fresh, always young, innocent, full of vigor and passion.
-Jiddu Krishnamurti
Holding grudges. Replaying past conversations. Withholding forgiveness. Punishing ourselves for last year’s mistakes.
These are all ways in which we allow the past to steal our peace of mind. Life is precious and short. People who reside in joy treat the present moment as the playground for their lives. They cannot afford to feel resentful, angry, or ashamed knowing that they have limited time on this earth.
The following Zen parable illustrates this point well:
Two monks are journeying together when they notice a young woman struggling to cross a river. The older monk walks over, places her atop his shoulders, and carries her over the water to the other side. She thanks him, and the monks continue on their way.
Hours pass by until the younger monk can no longer contain himself: “You know we’re not supposed to touch a woman. Why did you do that back there?”
His companion smiles gently, “I put her down hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?”
A heavy burden of past makes our lives just that — heavier. We carry around our problems where they don’t belong, and then wonder why our faces are beginning to sag. Joyful people preserve their vitality by not giving away their power to the past.
The present moment is where they spend most of their time, and so joy is theirs to keep.
2. They Don’t Complain
When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness.
-Eckhart Tolle
Joyful people understand the futility of complaining. Dwelling on a situation with no intention of taking action drains us of our power. We can be upset all we want, but this changes nothing while robbing us of our equanimity.
Complaining might be briefly therapeutic, but this quickly passes. In its place, is the disabling feeling of victimhood in which we are reliant on some external event or person to make things better. What if that person or thing doesn’t show up?
As spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle suggests, rather than complaining :
Leave the situation.
Change the situation.
Or accept it.
Anything else is madness because anything else strips us of joy.
3. They Aren’t Quick to judge
What is love? Love is the absence of judgment.
-Dalai Lama
People are indeed our mirrors. Whatever we judge in someone also exists within ourselves. When we speak hurtfully about another person (whether in thought or actual speech), we are narrowing them down to their flaws. Deep down, we know that we are capable of the same shortcomings, which is why we never really feel good after talking sh*t.
Joyful individuals can see past imperfections. They realize that judgment works both ways. Because they can accept themselves in all their humanness, they can offer the same to others.
They reject the burden of condemning their peers, which frees up their energy to be transmuted into more joy.
4. They Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
-Don Miguel Ruiz
This piggybacks off of the last point, but if a joyful person refrains from judgment, what is there to take personally?
Any comment someone makes intending to hurt us can be seen at a deeper level with compassion. Only a person in pain will seek relief by externally projecting it onto others.
Additionally, much of what we take personally is derived from an assumption. For example, we might assume based on a self-judgment that someone ignored our text because we’re “too boring.” In reality, there’s a reason for the delayed response that is hidden from our view. We have filled in the blanks without all the information.
And even if the other person does think we’re boring, this is not our problem. He or she has gathered certain ideas and attitudes throughout life that we have no control over.
Joyful people know how to mind their own business because the alternative is a never-ending headache.
5. They Don’t Hold a Rigid Grip on Life
Do not try to fix whatever comes in your life. Fix yourself in such a way that whatever comes, you will be fine.
-Sadhguru
Whether we like it or not, life is going to throw us some curveballs. How we handle these unforeseen obstacles when they arise is what matters most.
If joy is our top priority, we will quickly learn to adapt when things aren’t going as originally intended. We trust that circumstances will work out, and refrain from resisting what we have been handed no matter how our plans have been derailed. Being flexible means we are open to possibilities and have not set conditions upon our happiness.
It is also the only sane way to live given that life is inherently unpredictable and does not conform seamlessly to any person’s will. External circumstances are destined to change. This means that our willingness to go for the ride is our insurance policy against otherwise guaranteed disappointment and misery.
And who knows? Perhaps we’ll discover our original plans pale in comparison to what we end up receiving in return.
So to review, here’s the big secret about joy:
If we allow it to emerge from within ourselves, it costs us nothing. If we look outside, it costs us everything.
We can gather as much inspiration as we need from reading articles, watching informative talks, and listening to motivational podcasts. Ultimately though, transformation lies in applying what we know is true to our own lives. We have chipped away at the lies we’ve been sold, and are now ready to step into the most genuine expressions of ourselves.
A joyful life is our birthright. Let’s not waste any more time (or money) believing otherwise.
“And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.”-Marianne Williamson
