The Dark Side of Helping Others
5 situations when it’s better to say “No”
1. When people ask you to do work for free
Most people won’t expect someone to work for free. Yet, it happens in all kinds of situations where friends, family, and even random people ask professionals to do them a favor, make something for free, or get paid in “exposure”.
If you’re on the receiving end of such offers, you can kindly decline the proposal or refer them to somebody else who provides the same services. If the person is too resistant in asking for free services, then, you’re in your right to stop communicating with that person(s) as they obviously don’t have any common sense and don’t understand social cues.
Don’t be a designer who works for free and make favors to friends just because you studied at the same university. You shouldn’t be shy to say “No” when someone asks for a free simple web site, even if it takes a couple of hours to make. You have to account for all the time and effort it took when you studied and developed your craft.
Helping people for free not only devalues your own knowledge and skills but also loses your money that could be earned by doing the same work for a paying customer.
Tip: The main skill that you need here is the ability to clearly and politely refuse. Certainly, you shouldn’t feel your fault for doing it. Using phrases such as “Sorry, I don’t have time now” or “Maybe next time” will just postpone this kind of request and that’s why you need to be clear on declining it. If you can’t say “No” to close friends or family, you could also offer them a good discount rather than completely doing it for free.
2. When someone asks you for money too often
To lend money or not? It’s hard to give an absolute answer as it depends on your personal beliefs and the exact situation. Personally, I had a few moments in my life where I had no other option but to borrow money from friends. Likewise, if someone asks me for help and the amount of money is reasonable, I don’t hesitate to give it.
However, there are certain groups of people that I’d recommend to avoid landing money. The ones who are “professional” beggars, friends who always lack just a few bucks, relatives who constantly ask for money till their salary comes.
Some of them are bad at managing money or make poor financial decisions. It’s not your responsibility to take care of them. If someone develops a habit of asking for money, and you always give them trying to be a good person, it backfires and usually hurts them more than it helps. They would usually stop putting enough effort, knowing that they have someone who would provide in need, and they’ll continue with their poor budgeting and foolish spendings.
Tip: Learn to refuse, or at least schedule a day until the loan should be returned. Additionally, you better be prepared to write the money off mentally. If you can’t afford to lose this amount of money or you’re in a bad financial position, don’t lend any money for your own good.
3. When help becomes overcare
Some parents try to decide and do everything for their children even as they grow old enough: what to eat for breakfast, with whom to play on the playground, or what to write in an essay. Kids who are being overcared could struggle to do things on their own or make important decisions as adults.
For instance, if a parent always helps or fully does the homework of their kid, this will negatively influence the child’s school performance and overall ability to learn independently.
Furthermore, if children experience overcaring regularly, then they do not learn how to cope with difficulties on their own and could often fall into a state of frustration when faced with obstacles in the future.
“My mom quit having her own life the moment my brother and I was born… I constantly felt cornered and stressed and fell into depression as a defense mechanism, and she took my resulting lack of performance very personally creating a very treacherous cycle that was only broken when I enlisted and finally got away.”-DBianco87 / Reddit
Tip: It’s good to support your kids and give them an example, but also to encourage them to be more independent and do things on their own.
When children do what their parents, friends, or teacher tell them, regardless of whether they agree or not, this is obedience. People show responsibility when they decide what to do and realize the need for these actions. Children need to be taught both obedience and responsibility.
4. When you don’t know what to do
The essence of this principle is extremely simple — do not rush into battle, if you do not know what to do. You could waste your own time and create problems for others.
Cammi Pham told the following story: “A few years ago, my parents were out of the country and asked me to look after their house. I don’t know how to water the plants at all. Some of them I poured too much water and some I gave very little. A month later when my parents came back, all the plants had died. If I didn’t offer to help, someone who knows how to take care of plants would have done it, and my father’s precious plants would be alive today. They never let me touch a plant again.”
Tip: When someone asks for your help, think if you can do it well and whether you’d have enough time for it. If you don't know something, it’s not shameful to admit it from the beginning and save both parties the trouble. Often, it’s possible to find another person who is more fit for that specific job. Better to say you can’t do something than to agree and half-ass it.
5. When people don’t want to change anything
The truth is that some people do not really need help even if they constantly complain about their life — it can be bad and hard enough to complain, but not bad enough to change anything.
Even when you try to offer advice and give them recommendations, they’d rather not heart it and find hundreds of reasons why it won’t work. Helping such people means falling into the guilty circle of their unhappy lives. By offering help to the “eternal victims”, you will forever take responsibility for their problems and future failures. Do you really need this?
Once I read that “professional losers actually have a very high conceit”. You can often hear such people saying “I could do that easily but they didn’t give me a chance”, “I would be rich but he stole my app idea”, etc. This applies to people who are always in trouble and don’t want to change anything in their behavior rather than to someone who experiences a temporary problem.
Tip: Think through a person’s problem and be aware of their situation before offering help. Provide support to those who really need it and you can make a difference in their lives.
“There is no use whatever trying to help people who do not help themselves. You cannot push anyone up a ladder unless he is willing to climb himself.”
– Andrew Carnegie
