The Golden Rules of Being a Truly Good Interlocutor
They’re easy. You should try using them.
I like writing, especially when sitting in a café. Its coziness and pleasant scents are appealing. Plus there are many visitors whom you can talk to. But here is the thing: very few of them do have a knack for being a good interlocutor. If a conversation is held by at least 5 people, this won’t bode well. It would seem like we are not talking, but rather incessantly trying to outscream one another. It is time this flaw was rectified, particularly when it’s not that difficult.
Why we don’t listen to others
For a nice dialogue to take place one has to be sensitive to other people. Instead we concentrate on ourselves and our own problems. This is both normal and logical, since a human being was not created to be an excellent interlocutor. The educator and writer Dale Carnegie revealed the secret of this specific feature of human behavior in his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.
Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people.
Cruel as it may sound, it’s true. A toothache is here and now, whereas a famine happens somewhere far away and to other people. Let’s apply this approach to a daily communication.
For instance, an acquaintance of yours has been recently promoted and will eagerly share with you all the details. We imitate our interest; however, in truth all our thoughts are focused on the damn tap that got broken the day before, having flooded our neighbors’ apartment. We are now forced to think about the ways of earning extra money and cutting down on other expenses. How are we supposed to pay attention to our pal’s joy, never mind partake in it?
There is no way we’re going to achieve this. Is it ok this way? Yes. Is this approach worth applying to your friends? Surely not. The interlocutor is certain to notice you being mentally absent. In all likelihood, a couple of such superficial conversations will put paid to your friendship pretty quick.
However, there’s good news: your friendship can be saved by simple rules. I’ve been following them at least for a year now. Since then I’ve learnt a significantly larger number of people, and the relationships with my old contacts have grown much stronger. And that’s that.
One word said — three words listened to
It may sound as a paradox, but it is what it stands for: good interlocutors are those able to remain silent. As we have already found out, we are more concerned about our own problems. If this is a joyous piece of news, we are eager to share it and be complemented on it accordingly. Should the news be bad, we will tell it and hear words of encouragement. In any case the partner in conversation in each particular dialogue will act as an instrument helping us achieve our goal. It is important that we understand this.
How good an instrument you can be depends solely on you yourself. You might not delve into all the finer points of your interlocutor’s narrative, which means you will leave an unfavorable impression. However, you can become a person capable of lending a sympathetic ear, which will give you authority and power. A human being wants to be heard and understood. Give it to them.
How? Listen more, talk less. Make it a rule to be a person who contributes less than half of all the words spoken during a dialogue. In this case such a dialogue would be considered successful. Even better — make it no more than a third.
Timing makes it perfect
It is very easy to spoil a conversation simply by doing one thing — interrupting. Don’t let the interlocutor finish a sentence, break them off mid-word, do anything so that they feel uncomfortable.
Of course, you are not advised to do that. When someone is interrupted, they will feel insignificant. It is as if they were told something like “I don’t care about what you are mumbling there, I’ve got more interesting things to do!”
This is one of the most common mistakes in social etiquette. Frankly, I regularly encounter people making it. Every time it happens, I wonder how grown-ups can be unaware of the damage such attitude incurs.
Make it a rule: never stop talking before your partner in conversation finishes his or her thought or at least comes to a logical pause in his or her account.
Nodding is a secret weapon
Nodding might not only be done in time with music. To nod is to let people know you are present in a conversation and aware of what is going on. You may call it a checkpoint that we use to reinforce our thought and let the interlocutor know that we are fully absorbed in the dialogue.
At the same time the narrator takes nods as a motivation to carry on talking. The longer you nod along, the longer the account gets. The longer it gets, the more desired you become as an interlocutor.
The main thing here is not to overdo it, or else you might look like someone who has put in micro earphones. Nod along in those logical pauses where you can jump in with a word or two.
Leading questions
Nods have their own analogues in the form of words. These magnificent remarks that fulfill the same task of making the interlocutor carry on narrating. Such words as “come now”, “well”, “ok” and many others will do the trick. The secret of any great interlocutor lies in the skill of combining these words with friendly nods.
In case you pose more meaningful questions, it is advisable to switch to new variations. For example, instead of the hackneyed phrase “How are you doing?” you could ask “What are you feeling right now?” or “What are you thinking about?”. They will make the interlocutor deviate from the standards replies like “all good” and go on to give an in-depth account. Well, you already know how to take it from there.
Praise everyone
It was not long ago that I was filled in on the art of praise. When I was younger I was too embarrassed to make a compliment, nor did I see any need in it. To put it more precisely, the need was obvious but the embarrassment that I felt made me persuade myself of the fact that praise is nothing more than mere words.
Boy I was wrong! A nice word can break the ice immediately, especially if you mean it and it is relevant. Your female friend has turned up at the meeting in a splendid dress? Tell her what you particularly like about it. A taxi driver has taken you to your destination without any hiccups? In that case the usual phrase “Have a nice day” should be changed into “You are an excellent driver”. You liked the time spent in a café? Remember to share your impressions with the barista.
The more sophisticated and precise the compliment is, the better. Most importantly, it’s no bother for you. Just make a habit of it and bask in the glory of other people’s friendly attitude.
Remember the details and let others see you do
Nodding along and dutifully remaining silent will not guarantee a good communication. You have to listen carefully, get engaged in the conversation and keep in mind all the details. It would be cool to recall a tidbit from previous dialogues and cite it as an example. You are sure to get a positive feedback, as by doing so we emphasize the value we place upon other person’s words. This is a small trick deployed by few.
Eye contact is also of crucial importance
Imagine this: I am seeing a girl for the first time, listening to her story. I took a seat close to the wall, so I could see the whole place around me. There are some visitors chatting in the background, so from time to time I glimpse here and there, watching what’s going on out there. All of a sudden I hear a disagreeable phrase.
If you are not interested, I can stop.
My interlocutor thought me bored stiff, which explained my curious glances at other people. In fact, I was all ears during her monologue, without getting distracted. I did not deserve that poisonous remark. However, I learned the lesson. You are supposed to look into your interlocutor’s eyes, at least periodically. Even if there is circus behind their back giving its best performance.
What next?
The theory does not make much sense as long as it is not applicable to life. That’s why it is time to summon up all your energy and betake yourself to your favorite place. While on your way remember to invite an acquaintance to a rendezvous. Once there you may want to start chatting with folks at once. That’s largely irrelevant, though. It is possible to be a nice interlocutor in any situation.
