Why We Should All Stop and Reflect More Often
I’m a college student studying computer science and economics. In my classes, I practice logical problem solving and numerical analysis. In my work, I’m expected to reflect and optimize. Why am I so bad at applying analysis to my personal life then?
Two of the hardest classes for me so far were not data structures nor computer architecture, but rather a pedagogy class and a class titled “honors management skills”. I would struggle to comprehend the material thoroughly and think through them in the way intended, always quick to blame the material or the course rather than myself. I would think “my brain isn’t built to think like this” or “humanities courses are so subjective”. I still believe this to be true, but I should probably work on building my brain to think like that and to understand the nuances of the material. I didn’t realize at the time of these classes, but these classes taught me more about life than anything and will come into play later.
On top of misdiagnosing and limiting myself with STEM brain syndrome, I feel myself drifting farther and farther away from the creative and artistic side of myself I used to embody. I wrote my college application essay about my love of painting, but I haven’t painted since I wrote that essay. I feel myself studying late into the night and not taking time to relax or have fun. Sometimes I wonder if I even know how to relax anymore, or if I avoided “relaxation” because it made me overwhelmed and stressed.
This last semester has pushed me hard. A completely online semester taking 6 classes when it’s normal to take 4, teaching on the side, doing research, applying for internships, and doing my share of house chores all while confined to my childhood bedroom 24/7. I’m grateful for the privilege I had, but I need to learn to hit pause more often before I burn out, because I was quite close to dropping it all. All of this caused me to lose sight of things that are truly important.
When I finished my last final, I was able to finally relax…for about an afternoon. The next day I woke up lost and confused. I’ve been looking forward to winter break for months. It was finally time to wake up whenever I want and to paint, write, watch TV, etc. But I forgot that with free time, I’ll inevitably start to let my mind wander. And wander did my mind.
I finally started to think about where I was in my life, where I wanted to be, and how the last couple of months have shaped me. I was finally able to fully reflect on things that were actually important. Have I prioritized my relationships enough? Have I been a good daughter? Friend? Sister? Have I been healthy? Physically? Mentally? Do I have a purpose? In life? In my career? In throwing my parents’ money away to this institution? Is my degree worth it? Am I happy?
These were difficult questions to think through. Like really think through. I’ve been asked some of these questions before by friends, family, and myself during the semester. I’d been optimistic before because I felt like I was working to achieve the best of these goals that I set out for myself socially, academically, physically.
Now that it’s time to qualify and actually pause to reflect, the answers to these questions are things that I don’t know. I don’t know what my purpose is. I told countless interviewers that I did and recited a memorized line about my passions. I think that’s what I want to do but how could I possibly know for sure? I don’t know if my relationships are all thriving. They’re good for the most part, but I may have neglected some along the way. I’m healthy because the doctor told me so a couple of months ago, but my weight has fluctuated and I gained some weight during finals after working so hard to lose it. But the hardest question to answer is: am I happy? The answer: I think so? But do people who are truly happy question it?
I believe that this period of reflection is good for me so long as I avoid spiraling into a descent of doubt and insecurity. I must use it as a constructive period to break myself down before building myself up again. Yet, I think that this difficult and overwhelming state that I inevitably put myself in could have been an easier process had I taken the time to reflect often. Daily, weekly, or even monthly reflection would have helped me break down my thoughts and control my life in a less overwhelming way because it’s easier to think about one thing at a time.
This period of free time has shown me why the classes I struggled to understand the most were actually the most important to building my character and strength. I’m reminded of the importance of asking questions and clear reflection from a lesson in management skills. And I often think about my metacognitive awareness because of my pedagogy class. Had I understood these concepts more in-depth, I would have realized earlier the importance of daily reflection. Fortunately, I recognize now that I need to stop and reflect more often and avoid the “never stop” mentality that society encourages. I also now see that I should better appreciate courses outside of my major that may teach me more about life than anything in my major could; after all, I may or may not need to reverse a linked list in my career one day, but I’ll always need to reflect in order to better or to get anywhere at all.
