The Secret to a Well-Crafted ‘F-You’ Letter to Clear Toxic Emotions
I was de-friended and this is what helped me move past it the most
Have you ever been so furious that you felt like throwing a full-blown tantrum? The kind of anger where you just want to scream? I’ve been there and if we’re honest, most of us have at one point or another.
And since you and I are adults and not two-year olds, we hold it in. Sometimes it feels like there’s no way to release that pent-up frustration. Enter the ‘f-you’ letter — a raw, unfiltered way to purge those toxic emotions and find a much-needed release.
My Personal Experience with ‘F-You’ Letters
I’m not a big journaler, or cusser for that matter. But, I do write the occasional ‘f-you’ letter. It has been deeply cathartic for me, and I think it will be for you too. Let me explain.
My first ‘f-you’ letter was about 6 years ago when a close friend decided to de-friend me. I was desperately hurt. Embarrassed. Humiliated. Probably a host of other emotions all merged together. I always thought I was the bestest friend anyone could have. Boy, was I wrong.
If you’ve ever had a ruptured friendship, you know it’s not a small thing. We are hardwired to connect with others, and when we don’t get that connection, we are set off-kilter.
Researcher and author Brené Brown says connection with others is “what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.”
Connecting with humans happens in many other ways besides friendship, which means the need for a well-crafted ‘f-you’ letter could come in handy in other scenarios: a disrespectful board member, an unhealthy relationship with a parent, or even a neighbor that is driving you bananas.
Toxic Emotion Dumping to Make Room to Accept
Before we can heal from hard things, like my de-friending heartbreak, we must acknowledge our emotions.
Putting thoughts and feelings onto paper (instead of trying to do a “thought download” in your mind) helps to make them tangible. And once you get a handle on your thoughts and stop the spiral of ruminating, you find mental clarity.
Dr. Huberman, neuroscientist, says “the moment you acknowledge something in writing it becomes an undeniable truth that you can work with, your brain starts to formulate a plan automatically as it organizes and orients the subconscious mind.”
Mental clarity gives space to accept what is. Why is that a good thing? Accepting and befriending life as it is is the only path if you want to live a life of freedom and joy.
Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is says it this way:
“The moment you accept what is, you take responsibility for your own happiness.”
When we fight against reality, we become caged in a world of tension and bitterness — no fun.
Don’t misread me. This is way different than denial, dismissing, or ignoring. Things hurt us. People say mean things. Everyone is working through their own shit (Okay, now I am on a cussing roll) and most often it has less to do with you and more to do with them and their shit.
While we can be kind and cordial to everyone, we don’t have to have a deep relationship with everyone. Remember the old me who thought I was the best friend anyone could have? I have since come to understand while I can be a fantastic friend, I am not everyone’s cup of tea and that is just fine, because honestly, not everyone is mine.
I purged my wounded heart in a ‘f-you’ letter, well maybe two, and got out what the angry part of me needed to say about this person and the situation. And it was just the release I needed to begin to move past the pain and start to move forward.
What is most important is for me take care of me. And for you to take care of you. Not allowing pent-up toxic garbage to steal our joy.
No Rules, Just Purge
Process writing or free-writing is the basic idea. Pay zero attention to grammar, punctuation, and cuss as much as you want! You are essentially allowing your two-year-old tantrum to run its course.
Purge all thoughts, emotions, or hurts that bubble up. Simply let thoughts flow as they come to mind with no filtering or judgment.
This letter is for you and you alone. After you’re done, a good practice is to shred it or burn it, either way, this is your healing process. But, it likely goes without saying, never ever send it!
Clearing toxic emotions that are clouding your acceptance of reality is the fastest way to start to heal and repair what needs mending and change what can be changed.
So pull out a pen, let your inner two-year-old tantrum loose and get ready to live into more freedom!
