Were You Really Happy In The Past?
Do you think you were better in the past? Maybe two or three years back when you were more focused, happier, and at ease?
Do you cry over the loss of the person you thought you were in the past? Do you compare your current actions based on what you think you used to be able to do in the past?
Two to three months back, I was lost too in the memory lane of my past version. I felt a disconnection between who I used to be and who I was being. I thought I was losing myself.
Every little thing from my past reminded me how happy, positive, and fun I used to be. The more I thought about it, the less I liked my current version. I thought I used to be able to write better. I used to be more spontaneous.
It didn’t help my case to think about the past in such a way. If anything, the distance kept growing between me and my life. I felt a deep longing to be who I was. To be someone happier, and better. To be someone peaceful and calm. Someone who could see life with rose-colored glasses.
How ironic isn’t it? You never appreciate yourself for the person you continue to be and then suddenly, you mourn at the loss of someone you never paid attention to.
But why do we do it?
I have been thinking about it a lot. Was I really happy in the past or is it just a common human habit to escape what you have in the moment and fantasize about the glorious future or past?
The answer is: Both.
Let me explain.
The Pain of Shedding Layers:
I have a question, completely unrelated to the topic we are talking about, what did these stupid schools and colleges prepare us for?
Imagine you love someone beyond limits. You give them all your heart and suddenly, you watch them change. They no longer like doing the same things as you do. They no longer want to watch movies with you. They no longer want to hang out. They simply change.
You cannot get over the fact that how could a person you loved so dearly just change into someone you no longer recognize?
Of course, it has happened to all of us at some point of time in life. Either your friends changed or you changed and you no longer fit in with them. You miss the time you once spent with them. You miss the feeling of being at home when you were with them. You want that feeling back. But you also know, even if you meet with the same friends again, it won’t be the same. It won’t be home ever again.
Why? To some extent, it’s like losing someone to death. The only difference is, that you bury the person you loved deep within your heart.
Something similar is the case with our own personality. We don’t realize but you and I change too. You change in such silent ways that suddenly, you meet the person you never were and now you miss the person you used to be.
And if losing someone else can be so tough then isn’t it obvious losing yourself will be tougher?
But of course, no one told us that we will, one day, mourn the loss of ourselves. No one told us we will miss a part of ourselves and the solution isn’t to question ‘What’s wrong with me?’ or ‘Why cannot I behave like I used to?’
The solution is to understand that you simply changed, one step at a time, one season at a time. You need to understand that as life kicked you in the a** and life hugged you like your mother, you tried your best to deal with all kinds of situations. And that shaped you into the person you are today. You had to shade a layer of you so you could settle in with life and move ahead.
For example: When I look back at my past, I realize that I didn’t lose my previous version. I just upgraded. I changed. Because I had to. While I was thinking I was so great back in 2022, I never sat down to realize that later in 2023, I had lost almost all my work and I was in such a pickle that no one could save me. I had no support. For the first time, I felt anxiety choking me.
Yet, somehow, after crying like a toddler, and endless sleepless nights, I found a way out.
I didn’t realize that my book became a bestseller and I never celebrated myself. I never realized that I started learning cooking and I was making efforts to cook healthy foods and that led me to be healthier with clean skin.
After coming back from a storm, I never put the kettle on to enjoy the warmth of my efforts. I just repeated the same cycle of blaming myself for not being who I was once.
I never realized that in the process of shedding a layer of myself, I became an even stronger and beautiful version of myself. Someone who could go through hell yet find a way to smile back at the end.
If you didn’t get the hint, I want you to sit back and observe your journey. Ask yourself, is it time you accept this new version who you must be proud of or do you want to cry over the lost layer?
A word of advice:
Not only this time, you will see yourself changing in all stages of your life. As the situation demands, as your mind opens more, as you live and experience more, you will change silently, in small ways. Try to love yourself for those changes. Try to accept and appreciate those changes.
Because in this long life of yours, you will meet enough people who will hate and blame you. You don’t have to do that to yourself.
If you don’t want to change, lock yourself in a room and restrict yourself from doing and experiencing anything new. But if you want to live wildly, allow yourself to outgrow yourself.
You can keep your previous versions in the lane of memory. It will be great to visit these lanes during tough times or perhaps, when you are old and you feel like writing your biography. But don’t let a past version consume your current version.
The Over-Fantacization:
Humans were never truly happy. They just find a way to make history look better or a future more promising.
Look at the history of the world, you will only find wars. Look at the current circumstances, you will find war. And well, in the future, perhaps, robots will be working and man will fight war yet again.
Yet, each religion and civilization has found a way to make their own history sound promising and lovely and something they are proud of.
Narrow it down to your life, you will find the same pattern.
For example: I was fantasizing over my 2022 version. I thought she was happier and more peaceful. But when I read my journal entries from 2022, I found how lost and confused I was. Some days, I was beaming with happiness and gratitude but there were days, many days, when I was confused and lost. My journal is the proof of the roller coaster.
So really what was I crying over?
Again, the habit of glorifying what we don’t have or perhaps already lost. The habit of not making the present count. The habit of escaping to a land that looks promising in our minds.
You might think ‘Renuka, but I really was happy in the past.’
And I would say, ‘Maybe you were. But you were happy in parts. You were happy some days. Life was happy and sad at all times. You are just choosing to look at good days to compare your present. And that’s why you are miserable.’
When I read my journal entries, I knew what mistake I was committing. I decided to make the present count. I decided to do what I could to make these days more beautiful than my past so I could immerse myself here, in the moment.
I went back to some of the old habits like waking up early to sip tea while thinking about my future plans and what can I start doing to achieve them. I started reading books on Kindle during my bedtime to help me fall asleep. I started spending a lot of time alone just enjoying the peace of mind, and more things like that.
Result?
I felt more included in my life. I felt more connected with myself. I felt like I was an adult taking care of myself and not escaping my life.
What Can You Do?
What is it that you miss most from your past?
Past is honestly a great place to take guidance from. Let your past show you what used to make you happy. Then instead of crying over it, start doing it in the present.
Pick a hobby, or a habit that you think you enjoyed the most and make it a part of your current life. Invite the beauty from your past. And let it help you make your life even more beautiful.
If you want to be a part of your life, you have to actively show interest in all your desires. You cannot make life beautiful just by lying in bed and over-fantasizing about your past.
Now, I leave it up to you to decide what would you like to do again to make yourself happy.
Conclusion:
It’s raining yet again here. I am sitting right outside of my window and I absolutely love this time of the year. I am going to grab lunch and watch The Big Bang Theory, and then perhaps, with a cup of tea and a good book, I will call it a day.
Oh, how beautiful life really is.
Meanwhile, you can read my book, The Art of Being Alone.
