What I Learned From a Dying Young Girl Talk About Death
What must it feel like to watch yourself fading away?
It’s one thing to know at the back of our minds that one day, in the blink of an eye, we will be gone. Just gone from this world where we built our homes, decorated our gardens, made friends, worked hard for a career, planned investments and insurance, and most of all, nurtured dreams. Dreams that made us feel a part of this world.
And then, one day, it will be gone. Or maybe everything that we work towards today will be right here but you and I, won’t. Our homes will be sold to someone else, our friends will find other people to laugh and our career for which we forget everything and everyone, it’ll have no importance. None.
However I find it comforting to know that I have a life today, I know I am going to die someday. But today when my body is working and I don’t seem to have a disease, I can fool myself that I have a lot more years to live. A lot more life to enjoy. A lot many countries to visit.
But what if you knew you were going to die soon? Sooner than anyone you call friends and family. After a few days, weeks, or maybe months, you will be gone, leaving everyone and everything you loved behind like it never mattered.
The very thought that after THIS (death), whatever is reserved for you beyond life, you will be alone there. Not just that, knowing that you have only a few weeks or months, how isolated one must feel and angry and confused too — to ask God, ‘Why me?’ The same God that was never called before is now being accused of being cruel.
To watch everyone else make plans for the next five years and others book tickets for a summer in Italy and perhaps Christmas in France. And realize that you never got to experience any of that. It’s heartbreaking, isn’t it? To die a thousand deaths, to watch your dreams fall into ashes until death finally calls your name and takes you to a place where God knows, what happens.
I watched the story of three such people who are dying, fading away into nothingness on YouTube. And here is what I learned from one of them about life and death.
Layla; Kidney Failure:
“How could this be happening to me? I am young. I am supposed to have my whole life ahead of me.”
These are the words of Layla who shared her kidney failed. She is young. Very young.
And that’s the thing about youth — Death doesn’t seem like it could touch us. It’s unfair. It’s a betrayal. It feels as if ‘this is not what we talked about, God.’
Yet…
Young people die. Young people fade away too.
Yet…
We keep living our lives, especially as youngsters, as if we have forever to love and enjoy life. Like ‘let me waste today doubting myself, being jealous of others, waiting for life to change. And then somewhere in the future, when we feel right or when life gets good, then we will start to live. Because we think, or perhaps we don’t think. We just believe that we have time.’
What Layla said in her interview stuck with me. Her words are still there on my chest but not like a burden, more like a gentle reminder that I knew I had to share with everyone.
When she was asked ‘What’s something you will miss when you are gone?’
She said, ‘Just sensation. We get to eat and feel and hug and have these emotions that are so moving.’
Take a pause and think about it.
The feelings, the emotions, and the experiences that we don’t even take in consideration today are something that all a person can think about as they are slipping into the void.
Because, not the house, not the career, not the clothes or shoes, but the heavenly feeling when you try a new cuisine and it just melts into your mouth like a cloud. Or to hold someone you love and realize that God may have all the power in the world but he doesn’t have the pleasure of hugging people so tightly as if your souls may exchange. Or to cry so hard after you lose a dream, to know that even though it’s a loss, it’s also a big pleasure to feel this emotion.
I personally connected so much the moment she said ‘to eat’ because, whenever I travel, I try to explore new places to eat and I always order something new. It’s scary to order something new that you can’t even pronounce because ‘what if it’s not good’ but since I have given up on the fear and focused on ‘trying something new’, I can’t tell you how grateful, blessed, happy and excited I feel the moment my food arrives. Something that I never tasted or seen before. To eat it feels like knowing I may be one of God’s favorite children.
Yet…we play safe and take these little pleasures for granted like we do everything else in life.
We don’t give our dreams a chance, do we? We let that project, that whisper from our soul slip away into a box that has everything we once wanted to be, or do. Things that we were too scared to try. Things that were uncertain like paying $100 for a dish that you can’t pronounce and you aren’t sure how will it be so you don’t try even when you want to. You order something safe. Something that you have always had. Something you are sure will be good. Something that won’t make you regret. But also, something that you always had just to silence your wild side.
It’s what we do with everything in our lives. You want to be friends with that person but you won’t be the first one to say ‘HI’ because you are scared and ashamed of yourself. You think ‘What if she thinks I am being clingy or what if she doesn’t like me or what if she rejects me?’
You want to live your best life. The life you think about during nights when sleep seems to be in a far away land. The life you imagine and it feels good just to think about it. And for a second, you almost decide to wake up early and do what you have been wanting to and then the FEAR comes back. The SHAME comes back. The EMBARASSMENT comes back.
You start to get logical. You fool yourself by saying, ‘Maybe, in future I will start my business when I have enough savings. I will write my own book when I have enough people who will buy it. I will shift to the new city when I get a better job there.’ Then you go back to sleep and wake up to a same life that doesn’t make you satisfied but rather gives you a pinch of anxiety, and stress. The life that makes you question your worth because deep within even you know you are worth more than this. The life that you can’t help comparing because maybe, you know you could have all those things IF you were not scared. If you could give up on what you are comfortable with.
Conclusion; Just Try to Be Alive:
‘Can you give yourself the chance to feel alive while you live?’
There is an African proverb that says, ‘When death finds you, may it find you alive’
To live is a gift. To live without fading away is a blessing.
You and I are not fading away. We may die tomorrow. We may die 1 or 60 years from now. But we are blessed to not watch ourselves fade away. We can find some solace in the knowledge that while our time isn’t sure on earth, at least it’s not painful.
We may not know how many years we have left but we are blessed to not watch those years consuming us. In this time, we don’t have to watch ourselves getting weaker until…
We have time. And My God! We can use this time to be alive. To laugh so hard that you have to control your pee. To hug so tightly to those you love because you can. Because it’s a gift, a pleasure. To eat new food and let your body enjoy the worldly pleasure. To work on your dreams — the real ones and pour all your energy in trusting yourself rather than doubting your potential. To build a career but also to make time for hobbies that make you happy like a child. To buy a house but also never forgetting to come back home to yourself and the ones you love.
To realize that no one who died or dying said, ‘I wish I had more people to love me.’ But all of them said, ‘I wish I had loved more.’
Personally, I don’t have many friends because my standards are too high. But the ones I have, I give them all my love. Instead of making a vision board for myself, I made one for my friend who is going through a period of self doubts at the moment. And that made me happy. It made me feel alive. It’s what we are here for.
To love everything and everyone. To let ourselves do what we enjoy. To not WAIT for any perfect moment or certain conditions to check the box. To know that ‘these sensations’ are a blessing and we have to experience it all.
Because we have time to really be alive.
If you liked this article, you will love my book where I have talked in detail about how to build a life that feels good to heart, and give chances to your wildest dreams. Here — ‘The Magic of Creative Living: A Conscious Path to a Joyful Life.’