What if Jumping Into the Unknown Means Falling Apart?
Battling with letting go of the attachment “having to know it”.
Some time ago I heard the sentence: „Sometimes the next step is not a step but a jump into the unknown!“
I am in a Liquidstate.
A Liquidstate is the space within which Transformation happens. Where the old shape implodes or explodes and gets into chaos. The wanted and necessary chaos so letting go of the shore is possible. Letting go of holding tight to the known.
The known, which kept me safe and blind in familiar territory, the strategy which I chose to survive in life these many years. To be safe. It keeps me from feeling the pain. The fear of being punished being alive, being bold and dangerous for people, by not getting the attention and love I wanted and needed. I feel huge screaming sadness, that I left parts of my being, behind in my vast inner universe, hiding behind walls and walls of pretending that everything is ok. Pretending that I have everything under control. I have been holding myself in this prison, away from the surface where life would happen, so long I did not know anymore, that I even had this pain.
These strategies have worked. But they came with a price. In the prison of safety, the prison of mechanical-repetition-program is running. A program of pretending to know how it works. Seeking every second in my life to do it right. The only reference is to do it right. If not I would feel the pain, the sadness of loneliness and abandonment. The fear of falling into the fast unknown — all alone — dying on my own.
Still hanging on to the „but, please, this is the only thing I know!“ „If I let go everything will fall apart!“ „Everything will crash and I will die!“
It is screaming within me! „No! Don’t let go! This is the only way!“ I see myself holding on to this rope, looking up, looking up to something I know, not realising that the ground is not that far under my feet.
Only a little jump away, but too far when looking up, it feels like the Grand Canyon is opening up under me.
Nothingness. Emptiness. Failing. Crashing.
And there is my Being, not loud but persistent telling me: „Something else is possible. Go! The next territory is awaiting you!“
I feel sad being in contact with my Being. Sadness, the natural connector is my guide back to myself. Facing my fears and my resistances. Diving into them, through them, embracing them, being them, feeling them through. Fully, not resisting. Not anymore. It seems like dying.
The identity of having it all together, knowing it all, which I held so dear is dying.
I feel scared to open myself to the Unknown deeper and deeper.
I am afraid to let go of the picture I know about myself when there is no re-assurance that there is more of me. What is ME?
Clinging on the rope. NO! What will be left of me? What if they find out that I was pretending all that time, behind a mask, behind a wall just showing people what they want to hear and what I think was the right thing to say?
A voice is whispering: “Let go! Trust the process!”
I am letting go of the rope and I am falling.
I am opening myself into the unknown, where Bullshit is Bullshit, where I decide not to hold on to the next story I make, as if the story is more right or better. Cutting through my inner labyrinth of doing it right. My endless stories, that I have to do it right. If not, I fall from grace. People will see my failures, see the struggle in becoming something else, something new. The emotional Fear of me becoming a failure at all. Another doorway to be discovered.
During this process I realize that parts in me are still behind an inner wall, waiting to be picked up and taken into contact again. The parts of me which I left behind when I was young, having had no other answer but to hide behind this wall, having been afraid since then of the unknown terror on the outside. The unpredictable vast field of possibility.
I came to realize, again, after 10 years of being a Spaceholder, that the inner journey is never ending. Even though I know that it works this way.
When such a big shift happens to you, it’s like getting out of the snake skin. It’s work. You use all your bodies (mental, emotional, energetical and physical) to get out and become a new Being. Like the caterpillar becomes the butterfly.
If you are on this path of Evolution as a Spaceholder for Transformation and Healing, it will happen again and again, boosting you into the territory of your next Spaceholder adventures.
I want to make this clear to you. I called this deep transformation in. Not the circumstances. Me, only me. If you chose to take full radical responsibility for your life, then there is no one to blame anymore. It’s on you.
If you want to become someone new, you want to shift identity into whatever you want to become then the price is exactly this.
Falling apart! Letting go of your old identity.
Without this process, the next identity is a fake, perhaps the same pretending fake mask I used to choose because I wanted to do it right.
I want to become a Rage Club Spaceholder Trainer. I want to hold space for the next generation of German Rage Club Spaceholders.
I want more Rage Club Spaceholders to exist, because the world needs more conscious rage work, where people get the original voice back, the center back from mum or dad, the society or corporates, where people learn to say „yes!“ and „No!“, „STOP!“ and „This is enough.“ „This is what I want and this is what I don’t want!“
I want Rage Clubs to exist, where men learn how to be angry about suppressing their feelings their whole life, so that they could function in Patriarchy, standing up for themselves with their Sadness, Fear, Anger and Joy. Using their conscious Feelings to navigate their lives, creating their next job, which is not listed on a corporate menu.
I want a Rage Club to exist, where women are taking their centres back from their father! Where they learn how to say STOP! Where after setting a clear boundary they become their boundary. They use their conscious anger to shift identity into being the women standing up and speaking their truth, speaking for themselves and speaking for mother earth!
My wish called the next step of my transformation into action as if the universe says: „If you want to do this project, you need to get back your resources, which you left behind many years ago. It’s time to get this back, so you are equipped with what you need to do what you want.“ This is the point on the path when Emotional Healing Processes become your companion of your personal development, your personal evolution.
Being a Transformational Agent and a Trainer of Spaceholders is nothing you achieve. It is what you are. While you are unfolding yourself, moving from doorway to doorway, you become what you truly are.
I am a Spaceholder for Spaceholders. I am a Rage Club Spaceholder Trainer.
What are you? What is your next step? Next jump in life?
Are you holding onto the rope as I did? Look down! Look how far you are and JUMP!
If you are interested in becoming a Spaceholder for Rage Club. If you feel the calling — write to me or read more here.
Love & Rage
Christine Dürschner
Rage Club Spaceholder & Possibility Coach Trainer
