You Can Make Big Scary Changes and Get Big Juicy Results
Change can make a difference
It’s quite possible, reading the word Change in the title may have caused a bit of anxiety inside you. It sure happened to me — every time I read it, my heart does a tiny jig!
I had to do something to change my relationship with the Other Person (OP). OP can be other person, other party, other people.
Change had to be big, satisfying and with a long-term warranty. I chose the path of taking responsibility. That was an important step in creating a mental switch. This doesn’t mean I’m blaming myself for being in this position, or taking the larger share of the blame. I’m not labelling myself as the one who got us into this mess. It means that I’m the one who is driving this. I am in charge of this project.
I am not taking charge for the ulterior purpose of manipulating the other person. I’m in fact willing to do the harder part. I’m willing to make the effort to change, if change will bring a good result.
By taking responsibility I know I can get results faster. Meaningful results that last longer. I also know that changes I make here will serve me elsewhere in my life too.
The change I chose to bring in this relationship was to let go the ego.
Releasing ego is the largest personal project you will ever take on. Whenever you take the first step, even a tentative one at that, it’s guaranteed to last a lifetime.
“How much larger your life would be if your self could become smaller in it.” — G. K. Chesterton
Removing ego from a personal relationship demands a lot from you.
There isn’t an easy way out of this. Be willing to forgive the OP’s misdemeanours, without any ‘hope’ of vengeance, justice, karma or any other form of retribution.
Be willing to make the first move. This is about you, not the OP. This is a key first step in making the entire adventure a successful one.
You are all in — be convinced there is no going back. This is not temporary, you have nowhere to go but ahead. Dipping the toes is not the best strategy here.
Convince yourself that this change will be the best thing you will ever do. For best ROI, remember this will serve you well for the remaining part of your life. Your future self will thank you for it!
Accept without doubt that your choice to change now is not any admission of liability for past behaviour.
You have to stay on the path for a period of time, particularly during the inevitable lows.
“If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it.” — John Irving
Change would be very easy if there were no resistance.
Resistance means something prevents us from making the change though we know it’s good for us. Why do we resist change so much? Thoughts of change create fear of the unknown. Fear of losing your ‘You’, your beloved personality, forever. There is also the fear of looking weak — to yourself.
If it’s ego that stops you from starting change, imagine how hard it could be to replace ego itself?
“The opposite for courage is not cowardice, it is conformity. Even a dead fish can go with the flow.” — Jim Hightower
What does an ego-less relationship looks like?
What does it demand of you? You start by giving up the position of assumed superiority. That you are the ‘superior’ one was never debated and agreed. It was a role you took on for yourself. No one has bestowed that title on you.
You accept all slights — real or perceived — with a grin. No retaliation, no pithy comebacks, no last word. This is not to take the fun out of life, more likely this will put fun back in your life!
What can you do to overcome the resistance and make the change happen?
Write about it — in private, in detail — free flowing and passionate writing. In a few minutes of writing, I get the sense that I’m making a breakthrough in my thinking and feelings. As though a plan is taking shape, even if the writing itself is unstructured. This clarity brings courage — this courage is required to overcome that ‘sense of fear’. Now I’ve a weapon to fight that fear with. I’m armed. I’m good to go.
Start or step up your meditation practice. This is a reservoir of strength — dip into it as much or as often as you like. You can’t go wrong here.
Be willing to accept no or slow progress for sometime. When it appears like nothing is happening, is the time to remind yourself that you expected this. Overcoming this moment is part of the strategy to regain track. Nothing unexpected, so no worries. Count the two steps forward and ignore the one step back.
Be relentless in investing energy here. Don’t wait to see some results — do your part with non-attachment to results.
What’s going on in the OP’s mind is not critical to this process.
Remember it’s about You making the changes inside yourself. It was never about the other person.
When can you ease off on the effort to get back on track and stay on track?
You will remember when you started making the serious effort. But you will never know when you have arrived. Change is continuous and Change is perennial. Change is hard but Change is Good.
If change were easy, everyone would be doing it!
You will have occasional urges to go back to your old ways, because old ways cane be seductive. This is one change that you need to resist with all your might. And do it immediately when the delicious thought strikes. If you allow it, it will take over your mind and run your thinking engine for you.
The focus is always on You. Your resistance, Your Change, Your thinking, Your investment. Always remember this when you get the urge to slip back.
Letting go the ego is not burdensome, it is in fact freeing.
