You Can’t Get Rid of Anxiety
But You Can Learn to Manage It
You can’t get rid of anxiety.
I know this truth sucks to hear. And if anyone attempts to sell you on a product or service or idea that promises to get rid of or eliminate anxiety, don’t listen and run away.
It actually wouldn’t be smart to get rid of anxiety. Fear and anxiety are biological signals designed to keep us safe from danger. Our ancestors needed these signals to determine if a creature or territory or other primate were safe to engage with.
But it’s 2021; we don’t have to worry about running away from lions or getting killed by our neighbor for our shelter, food, or goods.
Many of the things we’re anxious about today are over exaggerated and based on inefficient hardwiring from our childhood.
I used to have social anxiety. It was so extreme I didn’t kiss a girl in high school.
And I feared the feeling of fear so much I didn’t get my license until twenty and I didn’t get into a committed relationship until twenty-three.
I’d overthink and research any professional pursuit because I was too afraid to make a mistake. I’d read book after book and watch video after video hoping to find a “fail-proof” path to success. But the overwhelming amount of content in my head kept me paralyzed and frustrated so I’d quit in the beginner phase of mastery.
After years of reading and self-healing and pushing my comfort zone, I can confidently say I don’t let anxiety hinder my life anymore.
I can start conversations easily and I’m no longer the quiet, shy, introverted guy at the party or amongst a group of people.
I take steps every day to become a full-time writer. I write lengthy articles and craft golden paper planes (cooler than saying “newsletter”, right?) regardless of my work or school schedule.
And in my writing, I’m more vulnerable and honest than I ever been.
What helped me the most was (1) understanding the biology of anxiety and (2) learning how to manage anxiety in the present moment.
The Biology of Anxiety
As mentioned earlier, a lot of our anxiety stems from primal survival mechanisms teleported to 2021.
Fear of rejection from a person you find attractive or a job you desire is biological fear. Being isolated or alone meant death to our ancestors because it was very difficult to collect resources or fight predators solo. But there are an endless amount of potential partners and job opportunities that (logically) make our primal fear irrational.
But most anxiety is nurtured or instilled in us by our surroundings and past experiences.
A disapproving comment from a parent, bullying from our peers or siblings, or unrealistic societal values and standards alter the way we view ourselves and the world we live in.
A harsh remark from a parent could inject your soul with pain, shame, and inadequacy. Fearing attack, you walk on eggshells around friends, romantic partners, and new surroundings. You avoid situations or scenarios that might leave you vulnerable to cruel words or actions. Your assumption about yourself, your environment, and the relationship between the two, is negative.
How to Manage Anxiety
Anxiety (and your feelings in general) are normal.
Judging yourself for having anxiety will only strengthen the angst because we fear the feeling of shame more than fear or anxiety itself.
Also, your anxiety is actually stored trauma being triggered by external events and situations. So, if we learn how to heal the trauma, our perception of ourselves and the environment will become more peaceful and positive for our inner reality manifests in the external world.
One thing you don’t want to do is attempt to alter your thoughts or beliefs about yourself or your environment through affirmations or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
Affirmations and CBT don’t work permanently because we develop an unhealthy relationship with our thoughts. Believing we have to “change” something about ourselves increases our level of shame and decreases our ability to accept ourselves unconditionally. Trying to “fight” negative thoughts is the opposite energy we’re aiming for.
This is where self-compassion and your breath become your blanket of peace, safety, and warmth.
Self-compassion is the act of being kind to yourself.
It’s an act of self-love for love can’t exist without kindness.
It accepts itself unconditionally.
It chooses kind words and actions over its harsher alternatives.
It aims to alleviate suffering without dependency on external factors like drugs, alcohol, escapism, and validation from others.
Self-compassion is more successful than affirmations or CBT because it’s a virtue — a way of being. As a daily value and practice, it alters our most important relationship: the one with ourselves.
Theoretical understanding is cool and all, but it won’t help you in the heat of the moment — when anxiety strikes you like a lightning bolt from the heavens above.
There is no better time to use kind words and your breathe when you’re struck with Zeus’ thunder stick of anxiety.
Feeling anxious before or during a social situation?
“It’s OK. Breathe. Relax. Everything’s going to be OK.”
Feeling anxious before or during a job interview?
“It’s OK. Breathe. Relax. Everything’s going to be OK.”
Fearing a friend or partner might be mad and lash out at you?
“It’s OK. Breathe. Relax. Everything’s going to be OK.”
Feeling anxious about starting a new endeavor?
“It’s OK. Breathe. Relax. Everything’s going to be OK.”
As you notice your anxiety increase, pay particular attention to where you feel your anxiety in the body.
Personally, when I’m anxious, my jaw tenses, my heart rate increases, and my mannerisms become hurried.
Relaxing the body will relax the mind. It’ll also alter or release the thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions that were triggering the anxiety.
Invisible Results
I just started playing Call of Duty — the most popular video game in the world — last month.
At first, I was awful. I had moments I wanted to throw my controller at my new, 43-inch, 4k, Smart Tv. I’ve played every night with my little brother for the last thirty. I didn’t realize how much better I’ve gotten until I reached a milestone (game award) last night.
Self-compassion and the impact it’ll have on your life are very similar. Gifting yourself with little doses of self-compassion will feel weird and uncomfortable at first because our minds and bodies are addicted to emotional states and thought loops.
But, in time, you’ll find yourself in the presence of people you’ve never met before, or talking to a person you’re really attracted to, or in the beginning phase of a new journey, and realize you don’t feel as anxious.
In this moment, a smile will sprawl across your face and you’ll pat yourself on the back (because that would be the self-compassionate thing to do). And the joy and peace and confidence you feel with bleed into all areas of your life.
Remember:
“It’s OK. Breathe. Relax. Everything’s going to be OK.”
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