Our Egos are Trapping Us, Here’s How to Escape
It weakens our authenticity, to say the least
My ego has told me that I’m not enough countless times. I have fallen into its trap just by thinking things about myself, by being too oriented in the past or the future.
But, I’m not special, and this isn’t a pity party. It’s not just me who this has happened to. Every human ever has had a semblance of the same thought, because we all have egos… some bigger than others.
In A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle shares that the ego feeds on identification. It clings on to hobbies, jobs, and even thoughts to create an image for the self; that’s the content of the ego. And then, the ego does everything it can to act out that curated identity, whether it be our reactions or what we share online; that’s the structure of the ego. We become so identified with our thoughts that an opposition to them feels like an attack, as Tolle says:
When I defend my opinions (thoughts), I feel and act as if I’m defending my very self.
In this predicament, you are never really you. As humans, we go around reflecting our egos and having others’ egos reflected onto us.
For me, part of my identity was that I was a book lover. It’s all I would post about on social media, and if I hadn’t read a book someone else was talking about? Oh boy. Game over for me. My ego would tell me I’m not good enough. And I would believe it…because it was me who was having those thoughts, right?
To identify as something so strongly is to make it who you are, wholly. Tolle writes:
So when I identify with something, I “make it the same.” The same as what? The same as I.
Basically, I was books and literature, we were one in the same. This identification gave me a (false) sense of purpose, so much so that being challenged felt like I wasn’t living up to who I am: all of literature to ever exist.
You can see how ego-fuelled thoughts and actions are performative. They are all there to “protect” you. But in reality, your ego traps you in a cycle of feeling like you are great and then not-so-great once that identity is challenged or lost in some way.
The danger of identification is that as soon as the identifier is gone, no longer thriving, or even no longer interesting to you, you lose yourself. Tolle encompasses this sentiment beautifully:
I try to find myself in things but never quite make it and end up losing myself in them.
As soon as something changes, as is the nature of life, you’ll be left feeling lost. This is what happened when I semi-stopped caring about books. I somehow wasn’t me anymore, which sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? “Books” as an identity is somewhat easier to overcome than the other things we make our entire lives about, like our career paths, passions, parenthood, you name it. But, it’s all the same: something that puts us into a box.
So, how do we escape this ego trap?
The answer is simpler than it seems: stop identifying with things and ideas. And yet, the human ego is strong, and if we’ve been giving into it for years, it is harder to break down. Tolle says that when we stop giving into the pressure to label ourselves,
A depth returns to your life. Things regain their newness, their freshness.
In essence, to escape, we need to think about our thoughts. As counter-intuitive as it may seem, a second thought to an initial one makes space for just being.
This space is where our authenticity can shine through. Resisting the temptation to identify breaks down the ego’s habits, making room for us to make meaningful connections, instead of subconsciously holding up an image of the self.
Once we become aware of this, it will be easier to see and hear ego reactions in others than ourselves. You’ll see how a friend talks about a celebrity’s this or that, and you’ll recognize that the thing they’re hyper-focused on is something that their ego has trained them is bad, unworthy, ugly.
But that is the first step. Noticing the workings of the ego in others eventually leads to noticing it in yourself.
Being present is another way to break free.
The ego is rooted in the past, it is always thinking about past traumas and trying to protect us from them. It is also rooted in the future, it is trying to prevent past traumas from reoccurring. The ego will tell you don’t try to sing in front of others, you’ll be humiliated again, like last time.
Operating from a place of ego, many of us believe that if we become rich, lose weight, get that thing, then we’ll be happy or at peace. These types of sentiments are anchored in the future. Consequently, if and when these surface goals are achieved, the ego will only be satisfied momentarily, it will look for more to want and need. Tolle says that:
The ego doesn’t know your only opportunity for being at peace is now.
The present moment is all we ever have. The past does not exist, nor does the future. Each second passing by is our chance to live. If we become focused with labels and live as our ego-selves, we cease to live in the moment by virtue of thinking about what could be, who we could be.
And yet, identification makes life easier sometimes.
I see this truth, too. But the issue is how much power we have all decided identity has. Were it not the case, there could be comfort in identification, but ultimately it holds us back, it puts us into boxes. And I’m not saying to get rid of identifiers, but just to be mindful of them.
Knowing that nothing defines you because you are bigger than the need to be defined will set you free.
