The trouble with success
For some it’s the dark…For others it’s spiders or snakes…For me, I’m afraid of success. Now you might say that’s crazy, how could someone be afraid of such a good thing? I’ll tell you…
As far back as I can remember, I have come up short in my life. Every single memory I have, involves me coming up short in some way, shape or form, every time, except one. When I got into the University of Arizona, but we’ll save that story for another day.
Let’s go back as far as I can remember, to when I used to compete in track & field. I have two very vivid memories of that time in my life, and both of them involve me coming up short when it really mattered. The first memory I have, was of a road race, that I was competing in with one of my good friends at the time, Zack. The funny thing about Zack and I, is that we basically grew up together and always had a special bond. We both have Spina Bifida, we both function at about the same level and we were born a week apart from each other. In fact, that’s where we met, as both of our mother’s were sitting in the ICU, in Children’s Hospital, circa March 1985.
Fast forward about 10 years, to a 5k that we’re both competing in and that’s where the story begins. I was a pretty scrawny kid growing up, and I lived a pretty sheltered life. I always had things done for me, if I wanted them to be, which let’s face it, was pretty much all the time. I never really played rough or did things that “normal” kids did. Zack on the other hand, was always out and about, did everything he could do, and if he couldn’t do it, he would figure it out. I always admired that about him.
So, growing up, even though I was older, if only by a week, I was much smaller than him. That meant, he was inherently stronger, faster and better than me at sports, or so I thought. During our racing days, Zack was always faster than me, and this day was no different, he started out at a blistering pace and was soon out of sight. To my surprise though, as I came around a corner I saw him kind of just sitting there in his racing chair, trying to catch his breath. So, being the good kid I was, I stopped to make sure he was okay, which he was.
Instead of just speeding past him, giving myself a chance to finally beat him for the first time in my life, I stopped. In that moment sure, I told myself I was being the bigger person and making sure my friend was okay, but now all I can think about is What could have been? Why did I stop? It was my fear, my fear of winning, my fear of being praised, my fear of being successful.
This same line of thinking holds true for the second memory I have of me coming up short where I should have prevailed. I was at the Ohio Wheelchair Games, a massive event in the disabled sports world and where I competed in track & field. Zack and I were on the same team and knew each others strengths and weaknesses well.
So there we were, all warmed up and at the starting line. The final in the 100m was about to take place and I was sandwiched between Zack and another one of my long-time friends, Kevin. Kevin was about as big as Zack, but even faster, better and stronger in some aspects. Kevin always seemed to do well in the racing events and someone else whom I never beat. This time, I got a great jump on the gun, kept my head down and started plowing away at my wheels, pumping my arms up and down as fast as they would go. I looked up for a second, to see how far I was from the finish line, and to my astonishment, there was NO one in front of me. So, of course, being the curious person I am, I looked to either side of me and could see that both Zack and Kevin were right on my tail, I tried to put my head back down and hustle away; but it was too late. Before I knew it, they had both passed me with about 10 meters to go. I had squandered away my one shot at beating the both of them.
If I had just kept my head down…If I had not stopped to see if Zack was okay, I could have won, I could have been successful. Instead I decided that I wasn’t good enough to win. What was the point of putting my mind to something since I was just going to screw it up eventually anyways? For as long as I can remember I made decisions out of fear, but it wasn’t fear of failure, it was fear of success. My perspective on what success is has changed over the last few months. Now, when I think of success, it doesn’t always equate to winning. The great John Wooden, former Hall of Fame, college basketball coach at UCLA once said,
“Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.”
It is an every day struggle to be a successful person, what I did yesterday and what I do tomorrow have no effect on whether or not I am successful today. Allowing myself to be present to the task at hand is the key to success. Finally being able to understand that on those two days some 15 years ago, I needed to be present to the situation, I needed to allow myself to focus on me instead of focusing on what could have been; to focus on the greatness and the success that I could have achieved.
What could have been never happened; not because I wasn’t good enough, but because I could not allow myself to be present to my situation.
