What ‘The Bachelor’ can teach us about child development

My adult daughter came over Monday night to have dinner with us and to do her laundry. While waiting for her clothes to dry, we had to watch The Bachelor. I relished my time with my daughter so I was really excited to find watching reality TV with her.

So what can The Bachelor teach us about early childhood development? The answer, I learned, is a lot!

Forming and maintaining secure, sensitive and predictable relationships with one or more caring and protective adults is at the heart of early childhood development. Babies expect a lot from relationships. Research also tells us that for healthy development, a secure relationship sets the foundation necessary for later social and academic success.

It turns out, infant-parent ‘attachment’ relationships set the stage for what we expect as adults. The quality of our earliest relationships continue to impact our choices, perceptions, and interactions throughout our lifetime. Attachment theorists refer to this as a “working model.”

It turns out that Ben, The Bachelor, is a great example of someone with a secure working model in which he sees himself and others as valuable, lovable and dependable. He is comfortable with personal closeness, honesty, intimacy and trust. While making difficult decisions, such as sending a female contestant home, he shows natural abilities to express warmth, empathy and sensitivity. Even his rather unconventional approach as The Bachelor, in timing and setting of saying farewell, shows his compassion and ability to choose what is best for others.

Based on research, we know that only 60 to 70 percent of us started life with a secure ‘attachment’ relationship with our parents. So, how are romantic adult relationships different if our earliest relationships were insecure?

Let’s meet our contestants whose interactions suggest working models different than Ben’s.

While initially eliciting warmth and care from Ben and other contestants, Jubilee’s worries and over-interpretation of situations exacerbated, rather than alleviated, her insecurities. Her need for reassurance seemed to viewers to be inconsistent with her experience as a member of the armed forces. She seemed to “overthink” the interactions with other women and with Ben. When finally let go by Ben she commented to the camera, “I am like the most unlovable person in the world.”

Jubilee’s final aired statement, “I would have loved him unconditionally” is an example of how individuals with insecure working models exacerbate, rather than alleviate, their insecurities.

Imagine, a parent-infant history in which the adult was unable to respond empathically — from the baby’s point of view — to the infant’s need for love, reassurance, and protection. Lots of early experiences including maternal depression and a history of rejection might lead a parent to also reject her infants needs and experiences.

In contrast, to an anxious and preoccupied working model of relationships, a person with an insecure attachment history may show an overly positive view of herself and a negative, or dismissive, attitude towards other people. On The Bachelor, where a woman is competing for a romantic relationship, she may even “tune out” or reject conversations or criticisms related to secure and trusting relationships. (Something like Olivia’s interruptions of other contestant’s dates and relentless negative comments).

Conceivably when faced with a threat of rejection, a contestant with an insecure working model might focus her attention on goals, denying her vulnerability and seeking support constantly when she perceives a crisis or threat in the relationship. For example, statements that begin with “I” in the context of relationships disguise an inability or discomfort with putting the needs of others first.

After all, how can you express empathy from infancy no one paid attention to your needs, cues and desire for protection and security?

Sometimes, dismissiveness towards others is a expression of a deep and possibly unrecognized inner conversation about depending only on oneself.

Bio: Dr. Terrie Rose is a leader in the field of early childhood development and emotional readiness. She is an author, speaker, trainer and an Ashoka Fellow, who has developed a childcare model and curriculum for infants and toddlers to ensure emotional readiness.