Your mouth says yes, but your sanity says no.
We’ve officially entered the season of yes. We’re saying yes to parties, office dinners, ugly sweaters, and holiday presents.
Saying yes feels great. It’s a euphoric and rewarding experience.
But we need to say yes with more discretion. Because yes can also create pressure and exhaustion, eat up all our time, or make us lose focus. Through cultural pressures, personal fears, and just wanting to seem nice we’ve turned what once was a choice, yes or no, into a one-sided die.
At a young age, we’re taught it’s not good to say no. Children’s movies and stories have the more cautious character portrayed by the ugly or uninspiring — Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, Zazu from The Lion King. We use terms like “Debbie Downer” and “wet-blankets” to ridicule classmates and friends who say no. As adults, we’re told that the most successful people are the people who say yes. We’re told that saying yes to new challenges and experiences brings opportunity.
And so we instinctively nod our heads and say yes so we don’t appear to be the bad Disney character. While Studio 54’s door policy was brutal and the source of much outrage, a hit song, and even a death, theirs was a business built on saying no. It’s how they created an iconic club full of artists, celebrities, and people from all walks of life — and, of course, sex and drugs. It wasn’t nice, but it was effective. Saying no is a rejection of niceness as a virtue.
Yes gives us a sense of belonging and ownership. You think you’re engendering goodwill by taking on that extra assignment, but what you’re really satisfying is your own internal fear of disappointing others. In competitive industries — like advertising — we’re often trained to compete and take on more work, bite off more than we can chew, and prove we can handle it. This can lead to sacrifices and tough moments, forcing us to say no to things that we really want, like work-life balance or more time for family.
Saying yes or no shouldn’t be based on habit or fear, but it often is. Saying no means inviting questions, disagreements, possible rejection (or so we think); things we naturally try to avoid. Saying yes creates less friction and so we trade one awkward moment for a longer, stress-filled commitment.
It’s not a matter of not saying yes, but understanding when to say no. No lets you break away from bad habits and rebalance priorities. It brings clarity and resolution and most importantly, space, so you can pursue the things you truly care about. When Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg offered a young writer the opportunity to write the screenplay for War of the Worlds, he turned them down, opting instead to pursue his passion — a television show. J.J. Abrams may have had his doubts about what he was passing up, but he really wanted to make a little show called Lost, and he got to make a Star Wars franchise when the time was right.
Saying no to the things that aren’t for you is a necessary evil in order to say yes to those opportunities that help you become more you. Saying no can be a way of saying yes to yourself. Happy holidays, and may the nays be with you.
This article was part of The Next Page, Chapter’s bi-monthly newsletter that reveals some of the more surprising things that make us human, and gives you a glimpse of life at Chapter.
