Is Your (annoying) Chatbot Worth It? (Probably not.)

The future is here…but it may be here too soon.
By Allan Diaz — Finance Director & Senior Copywriter at Masterpiece Web

I’ll bet money you know where this is going. But the question is: did the headline give it away, or was it your constant confrontations with these machines that’s already answered it for you? Chatbots that can’t answer your question are bad enough, but the ones that pop up and ask if I’m still there make me want to smash my computer. Let’s list some reasons why your chatbot might be an abomination. Mind you, I’m writing this from a marketing and customer service standpoint, not a techie one (“Bots rule!”)

Chatbots aren’t very personal.

Building interpersonal customer relationships is an important aspect behind building a powerful brand. Talking to a machine doesn’t do that. You wouldn’t even say speaking to an ultra-realistic bot like Siri or Alexa creates a bond between the two of you. How would it be any different instant messaging a mediocre robot? Not only that, but you’re telling your customer that they’re not important enough to speak to an actual representative. They now have the idea that the money you would’ve used for great customer service is being pocketed by “greedy businessmen.” Whether that statement is true or not, it doesn’t matter. Sure, if the company has an amazing chatbot, you wouldn’t be able to tell it’s not a real person. But how many of those have you heard of? The advanced ones become evil, like Tay, and the average ones have you going in circles. This brings me to my next point.

There’s a good chance a chatbot won’t answer your question.

Who would’ve thought that people message companies to try to get some actual information. Well screw me for wanting to learn, right? Most chatbots get built to follow a path in response to what the customer wrote to them. They may not (and won’t) have answers to all your questions, nor will they understand them. As I mentioned before, this is useless. Having the customer going in circles and leaving in frustration is not good business strategy. An existing customer might just call a number to get in touch with a representative. A potential new customer on the other hand, would take their business elsewhere. I’m sure you’ve experienced this, but if not, here’s an interaction gone through by Rob Watson in his article Don’t Use Chatbots… Just Don’t:

Rob: How do I compare up to 10 different web hosting companies? Right now I can only compare up to 4.

Navya: Hi there. What industry are you in?

Rob: Web hosting and website design and development.

Navya: “I am not a direct expert on the products, so I cannot say what the pros and cons are to each.”

Rob: I’m not asking for your expertise. I’m just trying to figure out how to make G2Crowd’s comparison interface show me more than just 4 web hosts.

Navya: It’s a bit too specific for my knowledge, I wouldn’t want to give you any incorrect information.

Rob: Ah. You’re a bot. Ok. Well, thanks for nothing.

Navya: You are welcome, have a great time ahead.

My God. Reading this is hilarious, but experiencing it is no laughing matter. Conversations like this are frustrating and have customers head towards the door. That’s something no business wants.

Popup chatbots are on another level of annoying.

Are endless question loops not enough for you? Are bots that pretend to be humans and show up as soon as you visit a page more your cup of tea? Yeah, I didn’t think so. They even play notification sounds every time a phony message gets sent.

*BRING!*

Steve (Bot): Hi! Welcome to our site. How can I assist you?

*BRING!*

Steve (Bot): Are you still there?

*BRING!*

Steve (Bot): Are you still there?

These things even have the gull to disguise themselves as humans. I’m sure they have someone sitting on a computer 24/7 ready to send a message to each person that visits the website as soon as they connect. I don’t know why this is, but I’m sure high school and college students get this the most. Websites that give homework help or problem explanations use these. I don’t get why, though. Of all the things a chatbot could “help” with, homework is probably the worst.

I won’t explain the benefits of chatbots to you because the thing in its current state is a monstrosity. Don’t get me wrong, they could be beneficial to some for certain things, but I wouldn’t be too crazy about them. Let’s leave chatbots where they belong: on AIM in the glory days of instant messaging. Now those gave you a good kick for the day.

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