Coparenting Blues.
I was scrolling through Facebook one morning and saw a post that said: “Co-Parenting with the same person you’re healing from isn’t talked about enough.” With that being said, I want to talk about it. Please allow me to start by saying that my heart goes out to any and everyone who is struggling to with coparent with a person they are still healing from. I understand that it’s a complex situation to be in. Now, for those who had amicable breakup with their child’s mother or father and were able to skip the complex stage, I am genuinely happy for you. For those who are stuck in the complex stage right now, let me talk to you for a moment. I’ve been there, so you’re not alone.
My daughter’s father I had a very unpleasant breakup and I do believe that spilled into our coparenting relationship. The first two years of our daughter’s life we did not get along and it was horrible. Our dialogue with one another often consisted of foul language and telling one another how much we hated each other. Our facetime calls for him to speak to our daughter were filled with tension and mean mugs. Sometimes he would even have his phone propped up, so his new partner was visible in the background for me to see. It was the most distressing situation I had ever dealt with in my life, and it was very traumatic. Now, I was never the type to prohibit him from talking to our daughter or seeing her as I don’t believe in using a child a pawn, but the anger and hatred I was holding for him wasn’t healthy. It made me very reactive in my own day-to-day life because I was in a constant brawl with him. Now that our daughter is almost six, I can say we are in a good space. We have our moments where we may not agree on something, but it’s normally handled in a civil manner. I know that the majority of my ill feelings for him were solely based on what transpired in our relationship and my opinion of him as a father at the time. I was so angry because he couldn’t be the partner that I needed him to be for me or the type of father I felt that he should be that I allowed myself to hate him for it simply because I WASN’T HEALED FROM HIM. I had to understand that that wasn’t my daughter’s problem. My issues with her father were not her problem. I was dishing out bad energy and my child was picking up on that when it wasn’t even her fault.
Listen, coparenting with someone you’re still healing from is a strenuous task, but I want to encourage you to keep the child/children first. I think coparenting gets grueling when the child/children are no longer the primary focus. When you channel your focus on the other parent that seems to be where problems and ill feelings come in. I completely get it. He or she didn’t do this like they should have when you were together. He or she cheated. He or she broke up with you when you didn’t want to break up. You still love him or her. He or she has a new partner etc. This all leads to becoming bitter and angry and I don’t want that for you. Now, I also understand that sometimes it’s not you, it’s the other parent. You try to keep the peace and the other parent goes out of their way to be difficult because they are living in some sort of alternate reality or struggling with egotism. I understand that is just isn’t fair, BUT I am still encouraging you to push forward and prioritize the child/ children to the best of your ability. You cannot control the other parent’s actions, however, control yours. When the child/ children get older, trust me they will know which parent it is that’s causing the commotion, and even then, it still isn’t there problem.
Please allow me to share some responses from a question I asked on social media.
Question: how is/was coparenting with someone you’re healing from?
Response 1:“It’s hard because we are living in 2 completely different realities simultaneously. The hurt is there enough to blind judgment and it’s easy to be petty. I’ll say as time progressed, I’m very unbothered and maybe that’s for the best, The children are important and the last 4 years of my life all l have been trying to do is get to a better place for them — Will we ever get to a point to where the pettiness and ego trips aren’t involved only time will tell. Be careful of who you have your kids with because there is her story, my story and the truth.” Male, 33
Response 2: “Being young and dumb certainly made coparenting damn near impossible. Both sides trying to prove to the other that they’re done and have moved on to the point that a lot of decisions were made out of spite.” Male, 32
Response 3: “At the end of the day you can co parent but set firm boundaries. If he feels he still has access to you he will manipulate, tarnish and make you feel like a piece of shit.” Female, 33
Response 4: It’s hard. It’s super hard. I feel like I have to be perfect 24/7 because at any time over every little thing he turns it on me and starts threatening to take my baby from me.” — Female, 32
As you can see from the responses, it’s unfortunately almost normal to struggle in coparenting. I want to encourage all parents that are participating in coparenting with someone they are still trying to heal from to keep pushing, YOU CAN DO THIS.
If you are the parent that’s causing the commotion because you’re operating in pain, I want to tell you that your pain is valid however, it shouldn’t spill into your coparenting relationship with his or her other parent. Especially if that parent is trying to do right by the child.
If you are the parent that is doing the best to keep the peace and it seems like your efforts are going unnoticed, they aren’t. God can see your efforts. Keep going strong for your little one(s) and you WILL be rewarded in the end. Don’t give up.
For the parent who has a child/ children with someone who is an abuser, and you’re doing the best you can as you are concerned for you and your children’s safety, I comprehend your situation. Keep protecting yourself and your children.
