Bears Unnerved by DeVos Confirmation

ANCHORAGE — Trump administration official Betsy DeVos has been no stranger to controversy. It has been said by many public sector unions and public school advocates that the plans Betsy DeVos wishes to put in place may ruin America’s schools for a generation.

Other aspects of her policy ideas have come off a lot more suspect than even these, such as her impassioned arguments that teachers should be allowed to carry firearms in case of bear attacks.

CMB spoke with an activist for bear causes, a young adult bear named Steven.

“It’s just really alarming, man. I’ve lived here my whole life in these hills. I’ve been a model citizen,” Steven said. “Thankfully I think Betsy DeVos and her bigoted statements against all of bearkind may result in finally getting us a pro-bear and anti-discrimination act through Congress.”

Others have proven a little less hopeful, as noted by prominent journal The New Bear Times.

“These affronts to Ursulan-Americans have surely gotten our friends and family murdered in the past, often merely in search of food around tents and campfires,” the article states. “Other Americans don’t see to understand the struggles that Ursulan-Americans go through in society. We fully and wholly denounce the statements that Betsy DeVos has made.”

CMB has learned that Senator Edward Horne (D-NY) has introduced anti-discrimination legislation as a response.

“My bill today puts forward the notion that all Americans deserve to be equals and deserve to be respected for their individuality. Bears have always been a major part of American history and lore and it’s about time we began acknowledging this fact.”