Increasingly Nervous Aliens Closely Watching Earth
PROXIMA CENTAURI — In the nearest solar system to our own, increasingly nervous aliens are reported to be keeping a watchful eye on planet Earth.
“Look, we have given humanity the benefit of the doubt for a really long time, okay? And for a while there you were honestly doing really well, but come on,” remarked one of the extremely adorable ten inch tall aliens.
“Yeah, this is getting really out of control, really fast,” declared another in agreement. “We’ve been visiting your planet for hundreds of years to tell you guys to fuckin’ chill it. We’ve been literally destroying and deactivating your nuclear weapons left and right. How much do we have to do before you like, take a fuckin’ hint, man?”
Senior politicians with this previously quiet race of extraterrestrials also spoke to CMB to weigh in on the issue.
“I’m pretty sure if you get off that rock you’re going to kill us all. We have a limited amount of time to deal with this before you genocidal fucks do to us what you’ve done to each other for thousands of years. Obviously we’re not fans of this idea. We don’t want to hurt humanity, you’ve done some great things! Nirvana has been voted best band in the universe 26 years running! It’s just not enough and there are no more good bands to extend your worth further if you’re going to keep doing this shit. Be careful down there.”
NASA, while initially elated to be contacted by aliens, later issued a short statement of their own.
“At NASA, we have prioritized space travel as a means of uniting humanity in the search for togetherness and a better future. We are very alarmed that our political conditions are degenerating to the point where extraterrestrials actually had to contact us directly. NASA does not condone the negative directions in which the world has moved in recent months and years.”
The aliens nervously looked on as missiles appeared to suddenly leave their silos in unison as NASA officials were making their statement. CMB can confirm that these were just tes —
