Local Anarchists Want To Go Professional
BERKELEY — Noting the rise in anarchism as a professional trade, a number of local amateur anarchists are moving quickly to get in on the action. Reporters with CMB tracked down some of these local anarchists for their thoughts.
“I’m glad they’re paying us now,” says Antifa activist Izzy Dee. “I beat up Nazis for twenty years for free and all I got were these stab wounds.”
Dee lifted her shirt to reveal scars from a street battle. “This one was brutal, guy came in and just started jabbing at people. It was crazy. I didn’t even have healthcare then so I had to rely on our medics. It was really painful.”
A number of anarchists agreed with the sentiment.
“It’s really rad having healthcare!” said one. “I even got a pension plan! I don’t know who is giving all of this but they’re doing god’s work, you know, helping fight Nazism.”
Still, some local anarchists are apprehensive. CMB talked to a veteran anarchist who claims to have been beating up Nazis since the 1970s. He spoke under condition of anonymity.
“Doesn’t this strike anybody as odd? Aren’t we fierce anti-capitalists committed to destroying the state and smashing the interests of the wealthy? Should there even be such a thing as “professional” when it comes to anarchism?”
Activists told our reporters that since Donald Trump tweeted about the rising professional anarchism interest, there has been a surge of interest in the movement. The activists are saying recent candidates are atypical in the movement, with soccer moms and recently unemployed Republican politician Jeb Bush joining the fight.
“It’s been a huge boon, really. Soccer moms need the income. Jeb Bush just wants to smash the state. He’s a real comrade.”
Nevertheless, there are many critics on both the right and the left. Critics have been appalled at the terrible cost of Antifa actions across the country. CMB spoke to economist and former Clinton administration official Robert Reich for his thoughts on the issue.
“How do we know these are even people? In my opinion, these actions are the responsibility of humanoid robots programmed by the Nazis themselves to stigmatize the true left-wing, the liberals. I mean, think of the human cost in all of this. So many windows. So many windows.”
Right-wing commentator Glenn Beck agreed with some of Robert Reich’s views.
“I’ve been warning everyone for years about humanoid robots programmed to break windows. I’ve been telling everyone that this is going to be a real problem in America. On my Fox News program, I told a wide audience that the 2010s would see a dramatic rise in robotic crime. If it goes much further they may even start knocking over tables! How can society survive this type of behavior?”
A lone Antifa activist was seen yawning in the corner. It was a truly harrowing experience for our correspondents, who feared for their lives.
