STUDY: “This Is Why Trump Won” Say Trump Voters About Every Goddamn Thing

Washington DC — A stunning new report out of the Institute for Serious International Studies (ISIS) suggests that voters of Donald Trump say “This is why Trump won” about every single goddamn thing imaginable.

“We’ve never seen anything like this in all of our four years doing these studies,” says ISIS CEO Alex Mullins. “Donald Trump’s base really does think literally everything is why he won.”

Among other surprising details found in the study, researchers found that a majority of Republican voters agreed with all of the following statements: “The vengeful ghost of Ronald Reagan is why Trump won” (51%), “There are too many genders and we’re angry” (64%), “9/11 was a false flag” (66%), “Vaccines are made from babies thrown into blenders” (72%), “Death panels killed my sister” (88%), “Do we really need so many people named Aiden?” (95%)

Liberal activists say Trump’s voters have a right to be concerned. We spoke to one liberal activist engaged in one of the daily protests that have so far rocked Trump’s early presidency.

“There really are too many people named Aiden. That’s like, a legitimate concern we all share. I mean, dude, in sixty years there are going to be a bunch of eighty-five year old Aidens walking around. That’s something everyone can be concerned about.”

The activist, who refused to be named, also had some thoughts on other reasons why Donald Trump supposedly won in November.

“Look, like, the vengeful ghost of Ronald Reagan came to me too, but sometimes you just have to accept a seven year curse in lieu of voting for the greater evil. I’ve fallen off more bridges since the election than in entire years beforehand. That’s a small price to pay for having a clean conscience.”

We were going to ask the activist more questions about his thoughts on the election, but he was unfortunately hit by a car mid-interview. His family have setup a donation page in his name.