Holding the Tension
A version of this was previously published here.

Over lunch, K offered me two words to remember over the course of graduate school:
Openness to new encounters. “Go,” he said, “you don’t know what lies through those doors.” This season is a time to deepen and widen: I know I will grow my brain and my heart, but I cannot begin to imagine what doors there might be outside of Andover Hall. What will I allow myself to explore, and how will I allow myself to change? What lies beyond that fear of the new? There is good sense in pacing: graduate school in a new country is a collection of major life changes after all. Now to experiment to see what the balance is, between protecting myself from burnout, and the necessity of stretching multiple aspects of myself.
Focus, to remember why I applied to this graduate school, to the divinity programme. There will be so many interesting things to do, but what will, in Gaiman’s words, help me to climb my mountain? What is necessary for my mental, intellectual and spiritual health, and what will be useful for my return to Singapore? At this point I’m not sure what the balance between focus and openness can be; perhaps what I will do is to say yes, yes, yes, and then to set milestones to assess whether I want to continue investing energy particular directions.
Focus is also about remembering the gifts I bring. K asked a question that had me stumped for a long time: “why do you think HDS accepted you?” My first answer that I represented a Southeast Asian perspective that they don’t currently seem to have, was too impersonal. It took me a while to admit that perhaps I am bringing skills that actually are valuable and valued. K suggested I actually ask my adviser what they thought I bring. I suspect that the imposter syndrome will rear its head throughout my school life; watch this space as I work out how I want to manage it!
To (re)interpret Benedict’s rule as a shorthand for remembering how I wish to conduct this season of my life: obedience in listening to the gifts I bring, acknowledging the potential I am responsible for growing (internally and externally). Stability to the vision of that inclusive, lifegiving and creative Singapore that I and others want to build, a commitment to seek out these people and to maintain these relationships so that we can maintain each other as we work together. Conversion as an openness to new experiences, and more than that, to the possibility of a new (or excavated?) me.
Some of us batchmates are thinking about forming intentional communities to live and grow together. Perhaps we will, in our chapter house, remind ourselves and each other of our commitments to our communities, and to ourselves. What is our focus and commitment? What are we open to, or not?

I repeated this story to W, who reflected that the openness was not simply a matter of what I could learn, but also what I could bring. What of myself can I offer, and what might happen when our gifts co-mingle?
