To Neil
Editor/ Chi Jan Farn
November 2019, Taipei
I often think, how fortunate I am to have people caring about me whom I have never met, and, how I could continue the infectious you linger for.
It was my first collaboration around this time two years ago after I moved back to Taiwan.
Neil had been sharing with me what he found in my works and his works for months before we really met in person.
I missed the taste of Boa badly and he who oftentimes working in fashion industry joked on the little boa on my stomach.
He had to walk slowly at the time, with spend noon to night moving around and setting up lighting.
Wandering in the music we both finding calm, he was sharing with me the tacit from his wife, the gentleness he brought to models, and stories from works.
He told me that he would probably have no more strength to edit photos. Also, he didn’t forget to introduce the whole set desktop and the fancy gadgets next to the screen we browsing photos on were for his son to play games.
I was an extremely emotional one carrying anxiety pressure and needing pills to confront the society on a daily basis. One not so easy to share the self compares to whom I am today.
We invented some impressive images, and I well acquainted with dressing the powerful strength;
to hide.
I however brought this image which expresses my truly and unwary emotion, that he had known.
I often think how are those families of the kind being I have met, yet it’s not anything I could and should do about.
Recalling those moments I realise that you were wearily endeavouring to encourage me once and once. I have known that you were stilly calm with the suffering, but how I wish could let you know I now am a rather calm one to encounter storms.
We have met once, however, we had become close friends. I didn’t think when would be the second time we meet. I didn’t know we would only meet once.
我常常在想，我何德何能，能有這麼一些未見過的人這樣關心我；而我又能如何能繼續將令他們駐足的那種感染留下。
大概兩年前這個時間，和Neil是我剛回台灣一個月後的第一個身體的合作。
在還沒真的見到面前的約莫七八個月Neil開始在訊息和我分享很多在我的作品所見以及他的作品。
那時候我很想念割包，通常遊走在時尚攝影的他還念了我一下肚子上也掛了一小包；仍然很興奮地終於一起嘗試些什麼。
那時他已經必須走得很慢，我們一起花了很長的午後到晚上在小空間移動環境及燈光；還有他自己手工做的燈罩。在共同喜歡的很多音樂清單播放他跟我說起各種工作場合的所見，妻子于他的信任以及他對待模特兒們的自然安定。
和我說之後他大概也沒力氣編輯了讓我們一起選照片，中間沒忘滿足介紹比起我們在使用的螢幕，隔壁一整套厲害完整的電腦設備說是買給兒子打遊戲用的。
那時我還是個個性強烈每天必須靠藥物面對人群的焦鬱患者，能夠安心舒適的對一個人自然談吐相對現在是不太容易的。
我們創作了一些強度的畫面，我也非常懂得如何表現力量來躲藏然而，我想這張照片是相對真實信任才有的情感眼神，和你認識的我。
Editor/ Chi Jan Farn
November 2019, Taipei
我常常在想這些這麼美好的人之後他們的家人們，然而那已經不是我的角色及能力所該觸碰。
現在回想那時你得是花多大的力氣鼓勵頻繁劇烈低潮的我，我知道你總是平靜，但是我還是多麼希望能讓你知道我也成為一個能平靜思考一切該到來的人了。
我們就這麼見過一次。我知道我們已經是親近的朋友也沒有想過下次見面會是多久以後。但是我沒想我們只會見過一次。
To Neil Shenn, November 2021
