There is so much silence all around. I hear the whirring of the fan, the honk of a car on the road, an old man coughing on the street and yet it is all quiet.
It seems like time has stopped still for me but the world moves on. Although hundreds of thoughts pass me by, there isn’t a single train of thought to focus on. I’m so confused about to what to think. I’m lost in thought about contemplation. What DO I think about?
I try listening to every genre of music I like, but I find none that can keep me glued for more than 5 seconds. I browse through the list of movies I have. Nothing seems interesting. I login to Netflix and stare at the screen for a good 5 minutes and realise I don’t feel like watching anything at all.
I am calm but I feel restless. Though extra alert, I don’t feel agitated. I’m so alert about something I don’t even know. I scroll through the list of friends on WhatsApp. And I resign to the fact that I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I’m neither angry nor irritated. Nonetheless, my mind is not at rest.
I’m not ecstatic and neither am I sad. I do not want to smile or frown. I decide that a poker face best suits the occasion. My mind wanders to my last call. I recollect that it was about someone’s dreams, ambitions and career. I listened patiently. I listened, agreed, disagreed, advised and it was time to hang up.
It just dawned on me that I was an agony aunt and a doormat all over again. As an emotionally closed person, I wait to be asked how I am. My turn never seemed to come. All my little stories, my colourful dreams, my pocketful of feelings, closed tight shut in a box and dumped some place far.
They begged to be opened. They begged to be heard. It was a wait for my thoughts to be argued with and debated about. And I sat there alone wondering, whom do I argue with? Will I ever be heard? Why do I have to fight for something that seems so easy to others? How I long for some answers.
Being alone is easy. One only has to let their imagination run without reins. But that didn’t explain the effort it took to gulp a sip of water or the inexplicable pain in my gut. Loneliness isn’t easy. Especially in a crowd. It silences the only voice you hear; yours. You can physically feel it. It shuts down my system gradually, until I am so exhausted mentally, that I just want to close my eyes and hope for a better day. It is a temporary situation that has manifested itself permanently. I bury my face in my pillow expecting a miracle tomorrow, just like I did, yesterday.