Biggie Bagel’s Bummer
The story of everyone’s favorite bagel.
Deep inside the nether regions of the United Center live three of the most popular figures to grace the Bulls game-night experience. If you thinking of Benny, old Benny and whatever is left of Da Bull, you’re wrong. They actually have their own private penthouse just across the way from Tommy Hawk.
The figures in question are Dashing Donut, Cuppy Coffee and Biggie Bagel. For years now, these three have run an in-game race during the second half of Bulls games. Every fan entering the United Center receives a card with one of them on it and whichever of the three wins the race earns a free doughnut, cup of coffee or bagel from Dunkin Donuts. In between, the racers live high above the United Center catwalk.
All is not harmonious though. One racer is sick of what he perceives as a total lack of respect from the powers that be and his fellow racers. He says it completely has to do with what he is.
“Nobody goes to Dunkin Donuts for bagels,” said Biggie. “They all want their morning coffee or sweet fix from there. If they want bagels, they’ll go someplace like Einstein Bros. That gives me the short end of the stick.”
Indeed, bagels are not high on most people’s lists when they enter their local Dunkin Donuts. The chain’s iced drinks get more publicity than bagels these days and there isn’t even a racer for that item. And Biggie has had to suffer for it.
More often than not, either Dashing or Cuppy cross the finish line first and a good portion of the United Center crowd is happy for it. Even on the nights Biggie manages to score a win, he’s pretty sure the cheers from most fans aren’t honest. It sounds more like pity applause than anything to him.
“It’s like when Teddy Roosevelt finally won the Presidents Race at Nationals Park,” Biggie said. “Yeah, he had to wait a long time for even one victory, but it was merely the result of his losing streak being a novelty. I hate that label. I’m the middle child in this trio.”
Dashing and Cuppy apparently don’t let him forget it either. Biggie says not a day goes by when they don’t give him heat in some form: aggressive, subtle, passive, you name it. The worst part for him is that means he gets stuck with the menial tasks around the area. He’s always stuck with the cleaning, cooking, taking out the garbage and just plain fetching the smallest items for his fellow racers whenever they demand them.
“I can’t imagine Cinderella had it much worse,” said Biggie. “Maybe I’m being overly dramatic, but we’re not related by blood, so they don’t feel obliged to treat me like family even though we’re together all the time. I thought the world was my oyster when I left my parents, but my living conditions were so much better with them.”
This isn’t entirely Biggie’s fault though. All three racers legitimately try to win, but their speed is controlled by the computer program that hosts the race. That’s why there are instances of one racer suddenly gaining a burst of speed before slowing up. Though it can be difficult to accept that the powers that be have more of a say in the outcome than the racers themselves, it’s the life of an animated character whose job it is to keep fans engaged during timeouts.
Biggie remains bothered by it because he knows the Dunkin Donuts product he represents is less popular than doughnuts or coffee. He earns his share of wins every year, but feels disrespected. Somehow, he fell into the role once shared by Brian Scalabrine: someone more famous for who he is than what he does. He would rather be recognized as just another racer than a third wheel.
“Why do I have to be the sideshow to a sideshow?” asked Biggie. “It would be nice to blend in or at least be just as celebrated for success rather than be that bagel threatening to undermine someone’s free doughnut or coffee.”
Sometimes, outside influence has prevented more of that very success he seeks. Biggie recalls a particularly upsetting moment during the racers’ 2D days in April 1997. Michael Jordan was often known to find out beforehand who was scheduled to win that night’s race and then bet unsuspecting teammates on the outcome. The incident in question involved Jordan and late-season signing Matt Steigenga.
“Jordan pulled this stunt on Steigenga in the next-to-last home game of the regular season,” explains Biggie. “So the night of the final one, Steigenga arrived at the arena early to learn it was my night. But he got cocky and bet Jordan himself when he got to the locker room. Jordan knew exactly what that meant and bribed the operators with $1,000 each to make it a Cuppy win instead. He even paid their bosses so they wouldn’t get in trouble over it. So Jordan, in his quest to teach a rookie to never pull a fast one on him, cost me a victory. Cuppy wouldn’t shut up about it for days.”
Of course, that’s just one of many tribulations that has befallen Biggie over the years. Too troubled to remember more, he decides to retreat to that spot above the catwalk and have some quiet time before Dashing and Cuppy return from trying to pick up Luvabulls at their on-court practice. But first, his conscience briefly gets to him and wonders whether this would be libelous enough to destroy a journalist’s career and make his fellow racers angry at him.
“Maybe it would be best for everybody if this story didn’t run after all,” said Biggie. “Reputations and feelings could get hurt.”
But that’s only a passing moment.
“Run it,” he said. “The world must know the truth. In an era of fake news, this is one story the public has to believe. How can anyone not be sympathetic towards someone who just wants to give people free Dunkin Donuts bagels?”
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