So Grateful for My Village
By: Dava Schub
Each fall my daughter and I hop the Amtrak from NYC to DC to visit dear friends in Northern Virginia. Last year, as we were rushing to catch our train home I grabbed a few snacks at the station and a simple banana led to one of my favorite “aha” moments in parenting so far.
As I was dragging my then 4.5 year old through Union Station I asked Benna if she wanted to share my banana. She said “yes” and then she paused and said “but I do not want to share it with anyone else on the train.” And then, she paused again and said “well, unless they are homeless, then I do want to share it with them.” And as the train doors almost closed on her backpack I think I might actually have screamed “hallelujah” (ok, I did not scream it, that would have mortified my daughter), but I certainly smiled…and here is why:
When I was pregnant, everyone would say things like “doesn’t matter if it is a boy or a girl, as long as she is born with 10 fingers and 10 toes, that’s all that matters.” But, I always thought, 9 fingers and 9 toes sounds ok to me, I just want her to be kind. And, with all of the advances in prenatal medical technology there doesn’t yet seem to be a sonogram that detects that. So, besides all of her required inoculations, what did I do with this little girl of mine? I brought her in a Baby Bjorn to set up and serve dinner with me at the local homeless shelter. Whenever my mom would visit us on route to see her sister who lived in a group home in Pennsylvania, I would ask Benna to pick out a few puzzles or stuffed animals that she wanted to share with my Aunt Thalia. When we would leave a restaurant, we always ask for our leftovers to go and find someone on the way home who is hungry to share dinner with.
So, in that “banana moment” I momentarily patted myself on the back and said “yes — mission accomplished.”
But it would be too easy to think that my parenting work was neatly behind me before she was even through with preschool. The real power of that moment was that “she gets it” — -that, at a very young age she has had exposure to people who are different from her, to a world that has cracks in it and needs us to be part of the “repair team.”
So, as sports coaches seek talent in young children and build upon their strengths, I want to do the same with my daughter. She cannot yet swim the length of the pool or do a double back-handspring but she has shown great signs of empathy, gratitude, kindness and connection to the world around her. Those are all natural inclinations that I want to nourish and support. As a mom and as a human being that is important to me.
And yes, it takes a village to raise my child. I feel lucky to be raising her in a caring community that shares my values. From the earliest years at our JCC Manhattan nursery school she has been involved in bake sales that raise money for schools in Michigan faced with dirty water or where older schoolmates had been involved in doing their part of helping families impacted by the earthquake in Haiti. She meets colleagues of mine who have special needs and are employed at the JCC through our workforce development program. She is also fully included in classes with children with disabilities. We at the JCC, are in the early stages of imagining hosting a Conference on Raising Socially Conscious Kids. There is no formula for this stuff. For SAT prep there is Kaplan and Princeton Review. For dance, gymnastics, ballet and soccer there are all sorts of elite training opportunities available. But, to imagine a world where we value raising children who are kind, caring and connected to the needs of the world that they live in, we need to band together and imagine what the “training” looks like.
So, the “banana moment” on the Amtrak train was in fact just a powerful reminder that although we cannot (and should not) try to control who our children become in the world, we can (and should) give the same (if not greater) time, effort, and energy to supporting the development of their character traits as we do to their academic achievements and their sports skills.
In my humble opinion, the world will be a much better place for it.
About the Author
Dava Schub is responsible for setting the vision of many programs offered each season at JCC Manhattan. As the JCC’s Chief Program Officer she works closely with the team of JCC Center Directors who run the Centers for Family Life, Special Needs, Jewish Living, Israel, Arts + Ideas, Film, and the new Center for Social Responsibility. In the past two years, under Dava’s leadership the JCC has launched Camp Settoga (a beautiful new day camp located in Pomona NY on 21 acres, 43 minutes from the Upper West Side) and opened the doors of JCC Harlem. Ms. Schub has been working in the JCC field since 1994, and joined JCC Manhattan in 2007.
Learn more about the classes and programs the JCC Manhattan offers here: http://www.jccmanhattan.org/
Brain Freeze is a series of stories by parents that celebrates the candid moments in which their children ask the most unexpected questions. The series is sponsored by Chloe’s Fruit, a brand of frozen treats made from only three ingredients: fruit, water, and a touch of organic cane sugar. Follow Brain Freeze for more stories, and sign up to receive coupons for Chloe’s Pops in your inbox.
