The Art of Negotiating With Your Kids
Make it a Win-Win by teaching your kids about compromise and empathy
“Mama — can we watch a show before bed?” Ask any parent and they will tell you that negotiations with their kids happen daily, whether it pertains to family chores, activities they participate in or what they eat. What’s important to know is that these kind of negotiations can help our kids develop their self-confidence and sense of independence when done correctly. There is no magic bullet to negotiation, however, there are lessons we can teach our children about compromise that will help them learn empathy, respect and feel supported by us, as parents.
Below are 5 tips for having successful negotiations with your child:
Be Specific with Boundaries of the Negotiation
Try to think ahead so you can be specific with what the terms of the negotiation are. So for example, if your child wants to watch TV at night, allow him to watch ONE show, but only if his homework is done, he has taken a shower, his teeth are brushed and bedtime will not change. Children tend to listen to the terms if they understand that they will ultimately get what they want, of course, if it’s a reasonable request.
Seek to Find a Win-Win Situation
Ideally, plan the negotiation with your child so that the outcome on each side is positive. In this scenario, your child will still have to sacrifice something but ultimately be happy with the result. Compromising is an important lesson for our children that crosses over into how they interact with siblings and their own friends. So for example, if your son doesn’t want to go to his swim practice and wants to go to the beach instead, tell him that if he listens well and swims strong, you will go to the beach that afternoon or even day after, if that’s easier on you, as a parent.
Simplify
In the same way it applies to us as adults, don’t overcomplicate anything with children. Ultimately, we can’t give our kids everything they want but if we keep the terms simple and if their requests are not over the top, it will make for a stronger relationship with your kids, and all parties involved should feel satisfied with the final terms. It can be as easy as, “If you eat your peas, you get a cookie.” “Or, if you try your hardest at soccer and don’t screw around, you’ll get donuts afterwards.” Sure, some of the terms may become more difficult as kids grow to be teenagers and become stronger negotiators, but seek to always keep the situation as simple as possible from the beginning.
Teach Empathy
The ability to understand the other person’s situation is important, and it’s also a lesson in self-awareness. Ask your kids questions like, “Imagine if you wanted to play a game and your brother didn’t want to play with you, how would that make you feel?” It becomes a lot easier for a child to make a decision when he or she can understand how the other person in the negotiation is affected.
Know and Teach The Limits
Sometimes the answer will be NO and children need to understand it. Whether it pertains to safety, behavior or simply a rule that you, as a parent, are adamant on, kids need to understand that some things are NOT negotiable. For example, wearing a seat belt, wearing a helmet while riding a bike or even house rules. In our house, food must be eaten at the table and on a plate. Even if our boys are upstairs watching a movie, we do not bring food upstairs and they know that it is not negotiable. It’s actually been a great lesson to see them always get food and go sit at the table.
As parents, we will always have tough situations and decisions to make when raising our kids. Ultimately, we want our kids to learn to be respectful and problem solvers but through negotiations, we will come across tantrums and disagreements. There will also be some instances when compromises are not options because the outcomes are not ideal and/or may just lead to dangerous consequences or situations that go against your parenting principles. The key is to get ahead of these situations early and set boundaries for negotiation so that when your child requests something, you are still able to teach them compromise and give them confidence as they grown into their own selves.
About the Author
Elisette Carlson is the Founder of a Boutique Branding, Marketing and Public Relation(ship)s® firm, SMACK! Media, focused on authentic brands in health, sports, wellness and nutrition. Elisette’s passion for sports marketing started at a young age while assisting her father with World Cup soccer events and athletes. Whether it was drafting proposals, coordinating hotels, executing game-day logistics, or traveling to South America on scouting trips, the key principles of integrity, eye contact and the value of strong relationships were deeply ingrained as pillars for excellent business practices.
A graduate of Princeton University, Elisette was named NCAA First Team All- American and All-Ivy League in Women’s Rowing. As a National Champion coxswain for 2 countries, her competitive drive and determination molded her into a leader and motivator. Further, she has completed numerous marathons and triathlons, including the Boston Marathon and finishing her first Ironman in 12:37. Fluent in Spanish and proficient in French and Italian, Elisette is a mother of two young boys, a public relations and marketing contributor to Forbes.com, Thrive Global and Swaaymedia.com, and puts ultimate value on personal relationships.
Brain Freeze is a series of stories by parents that celebrates the candid moments in which their children ask the most unexpected questions. The series is sponsored by Chloe’s Fruit, a brand of frozen treats made from only three ingredients: fruit, water, and a touch of organic cane sugar. Follow Brain Freeze for more stories, and sign up to receive coupons for Chloe’s in your inbox.
