Why I am No Longer in Such a Rush to Hit the Fast Forward Button on this Adventure We Call Parenthood
By: Rachel Simons
“Mom, have you ever had sex where it didn’t work?” My son, Oliver (who is 10 years old) randomly asks me as I am busily preparing dinner one evening last week. At the time, he seemed to be very focused on a game of cards with his sister and I had no idea what prompted the question. Or, precisely what he meant.
I looked up from the kitchen bench with an arched eyebrow, eyes squinted and head slightly tilted, “I am not sure what you mean Ollie?”
“You know, mom, where the sex didn’t WORK?” Ollie responds, emphasizing ‘WORK’, to help me understand.
Ollie is at that age where he seems to know more and more about the “birds and the bees”…well, certainly much more than I had been willing to share with him. But, he had just returned from a month away at summer camp, where I suspect the older kids gleefully educate the younger ones with some of life’s most important lessons!
So, when Ollie was asking me about sex that evening, I initially assumsed he was re-living some sort of late night camp conversation. But, as I looked over at him, I could tell that his question was full of genuine sweet sincerity.
I have never avoided the tough or delicate kid questions and always try to give honest and candid answers. I was definitely not the kind of parent who told their kids that babies arrived via stork or even that babies grew in tummies.
So, back to the question at hand. I was contemplating how I would give Ollie an honest answer, but was still a bit uncertain about what on earth ‘sex that didn’t work’ means!
After another attempt at clarification, Ollie says, in a frustrated, sarcastic tone, “Well, if a baby didn’t come mommy, then OBVIOUSLY the sex didn’t work.”
Yes, “OBVIOUSLY,” I laughed to myself!
At this point, my husband, Chris, casually enters the kitchen, seemingly unfazed by Ollie’s question. Chris is also someone who doesn’t sugar coat his answers to tough questions. So, in his characteristic calm voice, he says, “Ollie, if your question is whether mom and I have had sex more than twice — the answer is yes.”
Enter Anni (my younger daughter, who’s 8) to the conversation. Squealing with excitement, she asks “So, you did want another baby, but it didn’t work? Pleeeeeeeeeeease, go and have sex again. Please try again. I really want a baby sister. Go, right now!”
I had two options in front of me. Option 1: kindly comply with my youngest child’s instructions to go upstairs and make a baby, ‘right now!’ Very tempting. Or option 2: explain to the kids that sex was more than just about making babies. Less tempting. I was far from ready to explain to my 8 and 10 year old why adults choose to have sex for pleasure — often with no intention of creating a baby.
With perfect timing, the pasta cooking on the stove was suddenly ready and dinner was served. Amazing how a bowl of Spaghetti Bolognese in front of hungry children can divert attention away from an awkward moment!
But, this conversation got me thinking about what a golden transformative stage my kids are at. At a clear crossroad in their development — where they are starting to ask us mature and thoughtful questions, but not quite ready for the depth or complexity of the answer.
Wow! I had finally got to a point where I could engage with the kids beyond their most basic of human needs food, safety and comfort.
There are so many unique stages in a child’s development — each of them with a different set of challenges and memories to treasure. But, this week, as my kids start 4th and 5th grade respectively, I am relishing the wonders of this precious time. Our conversations are starting to become so much more nuanced and interesting. And the lines of emotional responsibility between adult and child are starting to blur. Who is responsible for ‘comforting’ is no longer a one way street.
This reminds me of a touching moment with Anni on a recent family road trip in Spain. At one point during our adventure, I was navigating a precariously steep and narrow road up a mountain, where we would have literally fallen off the cliff if another car had approached from the opposite direction. I know that if Chris were reading this piece, he would insist that we were nowhere near falling off that cliff, but I am telling you, we were halfway to heaven that morning. I was gripping the wheel so tightly that my knuckles had turned white. And, I might have muttered a few choice words under my breath trying to distract myself from the terror I was feeling inside. Suddenly, from the back seat of the car, I hear Anni’s calm voice (she definitely takes after her Dad more than me), “It’s going to be okay mom. You got this. Just take deep breaths…..c’mon deep breaths”. And my heart literally melted. My baby girl was not such a baby anymore. She was transitioning from the protected to the protector and seemed to intuitively understand that it was now her turn to step up and help her mom “keep calm and carry on” driving up that mountain! And as my heart was melting, so too was that barrier that seemed to make a mother’s vulnerability invisible — or at least irrelevant — to their kids.
Every parent has a different experience and memory of their child’s development. Sadly, my overriding memory of the 0–3 stage was that I was desperate to hit the fast forward button. If one more well meaning person told me to “Enjoy the baby years, because the time passes too quickly,” I would have stabbed them in the eye with a blunt instrument. When you feel utterly sleep deprived; you haven’t put clean clothes on for a week and all your child seems capable of doing is pooping, vomiting or crying 24/7, the “try to enjoy it all” message fell on deaf ears. Suffice to say I was desperate to go back to work and escape (even if only for a few hours) the weight of responsibility for the entire emotional and physical well being of two little people.
That nuanced conversation about the many reasons adults have sex is probably another couple of years away — and let’s be honest, there is a LONG way to go in terms of my kids’ capacity for intuitive compassion and selfless behavior. But, in the meantime, I am now wishing I could hit the pause button, rather than fast forward, because I am no longer in any desperate rush to move on from this idyllic stage.
And, I know one other thing FOR SURE. If my kids end up even remotely like me as a teenager; defiant and rebellious, surly I know I am going to be desperate to hit the re-wind button! Yes, mom, I know you are reading this from Sydney, Australia, nodding with vigorous agreement :)
About the Author
Rachel co-founded New York’s first sesame concept store, Seed + Mill, which opened in Chelsea Market in January 2016. Prior to that Rachel used to describe herself as a “food entrepreneur trapped in the body of an employment lawyer”. After moving to New York from Sydney Australia in 2014 with her husband and two children, she used the change of scenery to finally leave the legal profession and pursue her creative and culinary dreams. Rachel is also a Director and Co-Founder of The Bread & Butter Project, a social enterprise bakery in Australia, providing training and pathways to employment for refugees.
Rachel lives in Chelsea, with her husband Chris and two children, Oliver and Annika. She loves to eat, travel and cook!
Learn more about Seed + Mill and The Bread & Butter Project!
Brain Freeze is a series of stories by parents that celebrates the candid moments in which their children ask the most unexpected questions. The series is sponsored by Chloe’s Fruit, a brand of frozen treats made from only three ingredients: fruit, water, and a touch of organic cane sugar. Follow Brain Freeze for more stories, and sign up to receive coupons for Chloe’s Pops in your inbox.
