Becoming a pessimist is harder than you think
Seriously, can we just get over our infatuation with ‘being positive’ and ‘looking at the glass half full’? We have enjoyed our honeymoon period with it, but now it is time for our relationship to mature.
First, we really have to accept the fundamentals of life:
- life is tough
- life involves suffering
- life is mostly dull.
A Reality Check
Let me give you a very recent example. Remember, that city, Wuhan — which most people had never heard of before 2020. Epicenter of COVID19? Wuhan was slowly recovering from the pandemic. A week ago, BHAM! struck by floods. Yes, floods. The Yangtze — biggest, monster river in China — overflowed after heavy rains and has decided to drown the city. (On a different note, 2020 with its locusts destroying plantations in East Africa and South America, floods, and viruses[1] is really starting to appear like something out of the Bible).
So, imagine, first the 2020 Pandemic affects your family. Now, the Wuhan floods are nonchalantly taking out your home and city. If this happens to be true for any person, I really hope that you are not so callous as to say to them to ‘look on the positive side’ or ‘enjoy the moment’ while they are trying to find their home among the million litres of water.
If we are always trying to seek the inner joy of the moment — even in moments of great pain and difficulty — what would be the point of improvement? If you always think things will be automatically better in the future — as if the future guarantees that or that is the intrinsic function of the future— why would anyone change what they are doing right now?
Innate optimism
I want to try an experiment on you.
First, think of a reality that petrifies you. Seriously, really try to do it — even if you have close your eyes. Try to fully create this reality.
- What does it smell like? Like old sweat and a breath of stale alcohol and cigarettes.
- What does it sound like? The subdued hum of a person who has chosen defeatism over suffering.
- What does it feel like? Like an emptiness you can never get to the bottom of? A despair so great you’re afraid to go to sleep because then you will know you will have to wake up again?
My worst circumstances involve all that. I also picture myself like a spinster who despite her rotting teeth continues to lose the battle against sugar and her cravings. I would also have a cat, but even the cat would only use me for food and try take my eyes out whenever I get close to it. In this nightmarish reality, I am completely alone — save for my sugar cravings — and I would spend night after night crying into books of pure escapism.
Now, for the second part of the experiment. Try envisioning your perfect reality.
- What does it look like? Think of white sands, turquoise waters, and gentle, warm weather. Being in the loving company of your SO while some stunning individual longs for you.
- What does it feel like? Think of the feeling of activity in your blood as you confront the long days of perfect weather hikes, calm sea swims and stimulating conversation.
- What it does it smell like? Air so fresh you can smell the sun’s warmth; the overpowering fragrance of water on soil or beach sand.
Maybe, in your perfect reality, you are surrounded by friends/coworker friends and you are the life of the conversation. Everyone’s eyes are on you waiting for more of your expansive knowledge.
The second part of the experiment takes hardly any work. In fact, it is much easier and almost effortless for us to enter the world of our greatest hopes and desires. Instead the difficulty here is pulling ourselves back to our dull realities.
This is one of the reasons why humans are innately optimists. They can effortlessly, without the need of encouragement think of a better life. Even depressed people can cry over what their current circumstances lack: more money, more confidence, more sex appeal, more friends etc.
Societal optimism
And why should we not be optimists? Why should we not be expectant that our dreams and best realities will come true? I mean, every day we hear stories of jaw-dropping success: sixteen-year-olds inventing apps turning billionaires overnight. Billie Eilish at seventeen, despite her music giving its listener whiplash managed to turn it into a goldmine. Admittedly, she has that one melodious bit in ‘Bad Guy’ after she speaks (not sings) the line ‘I’m a baaaaaad guy’. However, it is short-lived and does not save her reputation as a talented musician. Ellish did what Dimanda Galas failed to do with her album Schrei X — make an audience willing pay to spend time with a mentally-ill patient.
Therefore, with all the abundance of success, happiness, and amazing everything around us, why are suicide rates higher than they were during The Great Depression and the same during the Second World War? Why are half the self-help books trying to help people to (re)discover happiness? Why is positive thinking now becoming a skilled practise that none of us really have a clue on how to achieve so we enlist the help of self-help gurus?
Why is it that becoming happy is something that makes someone else rich?
Being pessimistic is one of the hardest things to be
Our society is so hopeful, so expectant, and continuously flooded with success stories. Honestly, I could never make music as bad as Billie Ellish as hard as I may try. My music would simply be dull.
While everyone is pushing positivity and pursuing happiness down our throats, these people are overlooking some of the fundamental aspects of life: natural disasters (2020 rings a bell), disease (2020 rings a bell) — seriously, 2020 and I are no longer on speaking terms — poverty, amputations (yes, this is a thing, especially as sugar addiction increases — so I try not to lose the fight against my sugar cravings) death, heartbreak, loneliness etc. I believe more people have these things in common than happiness. In fact, as I am getting over my break-up, I pay much more attention to the lyrics of songs. A LOT of songs are about heartbreak. A LOT of songs are not happy.
The problem with positive thinking and being optimistic is they ignore these fundamentals of reality. Good things will definitely happen, but so will bad things. Some days will be great, while other days will be painful. Most of them will be utterly dull.
I am not trying to say that you should never strive. Of course, you should strive, but you strive in the face of adversity and difficulty. You should not pretend not to notice that bad things happen. If you are spending all your energy trying to find the bright side of a situation, then, that what’s you will get the ‘bright side’ and ‘dark side’ of THAT situation.
However, if are realistic, and honest with yourself, and contemplate how you landed in this mess, what should avoid doing, or could do better on, you are willing to confront yourself and accept that you have messed up. You have to humble yourself — which is the most painful thing to do.
True humility is painful, but one of the most beautiful things you can ever have.
Humility also exists in the light of the truth. So, if you can humble yourself to admit that you are not happy, that things are not great and that cannot see the silver lining, then you can start to take the necessary steps to correct it.
I am not saying things are your fault. Sometimes, they are. Sometimes, they are not. No matter if they are or are not, you are still responsible for them.
- Being optimistic is going to disappoint you: life is too unpredictable and uncertain for you to ever be guaranteed what you want or even need)
- If you have to try look for the bright side, then perhaps the bright side is not omitting so much light and you should try seek a place that is brighter
- However, know that bad things and unhappy things always await you
Humour
I would like to close with two points.
Pessimists make great jokes.
If bad things happen, they always envision something much worse happening. “Luckily, you didn’t lose a limb” or “at least, the rain is not leaking in the bedroom — thank god, it’s only the kitchen, bathroom, lounge, study, and garden 😊”. [This was true of my flat last year — it did not leak in the bedroom]. Be a pessimist. Imagine how much worse things can be. Then, when the time is right, make a joke about it.
Second, humour is a great antidote to tragedy. Lately, I have been rewriting narratives of lost love, terrifying motorbike travel etc. And I have noticed they’re really quite humourous. One thing is that it shows I have moved on and accepted it as just another notch in my belt. There is something peaceful about being able to laugh at your flaws, your tragedies, your setbacks.
Don’t let an optimist ruin a really great joke for you.
[1] Apparently the coronavirus is a group of viruses and not just one.
