Waiting…..
Having cancer like this is very weird because, as I have been saying, I feel fine. Yes, there is that lingering sensation that something is wrong, but that feeling has a certain familiarity to it. Why? After some reflection, i realized I have that this feeling of dread since Trump got elected. This is similar in that I am doing well, my family is doing well, yet there is the knowledge that something is rotten underneath.
Yesterday I got the results of some extensive blood work that was done last Friday. There were about 23 different tests, many with letter-number code names. Of the 23, 3 were very slightly out of line. I called the NP- case manager and she told me that there was nothing in that profile that would indicate that anything is worse than we thought. So far, the treatment plan remains the same. Tomorrow, I meet with the surgeon, but from what I’ve been told, surgery is not imminent.
What I do now is wait around. I don’t know how different what I’m doing now would be from what I would be doing if I didn’t have these misbehaving cells inside of me. I’m not working, so I’m basically waiting around anyway. Waiting around for what? I don’t know. Have a little fun, see some friends, bother people.
We had a grandson over yesterday. He’s four. He had lots of idea of things to do. We played trains. We played a version of indoor mini-golf that we made-up. We had a lengthy discussion about what things are made out of: wood, plastic, glass, stone, and gummy bears. I can do that kind of stuff, with our without cancer, but only if I’m still alive.
On New Year’s Eve I went to a party. Lots of old people hanging around. Some dancing, some complaining, some drinking, some smoking — it’s all legal where I am now. Many of these people were really attractive thirty years ago, even twenty. Not so much now. We’re all basically just happy to be here. Everyone reassured me with comforting stories about themselves, or others who have been through what I am just beginning. It does seem as if the science of how to deal with this has progressed very significantly over the last thirty years. Still, I am waiting for the last two tests, which will determine the final treatment plan. Waiting. At the party we waited for the ball to drop in Times Square. It did. Then everyone went home. It was different now for us because Dick Clark is still dead.
I feel relatively pain free, for now, which is rare since I usually have aches in my shoulders, neck or back. But right now they are all stretched out. I know that soon I will begin some kind of treatment, and that will make me feel worse. The current plan is to begin with an estrogen blocker. It may give me hot flashes, a soft dick, and possible blood clots. It also may make me moody. How will I know that it’s from the medicine and it’s not just because that’s who I am? I mean, what will be different?
Beyond that, it’s as cold as it’s even been, ever, record cold for a record long time and continuing. So I got up from my warm comfortable chair, and I came down to check on the house by the water. The picture of the frozen water is above. I probably would have done that anyway.. It makes me feel useful. I fixed up some stuff. We are about to get a snow storm, so I tried to take care of my property. I have the thermostat connected to my phone. The technology has improved in that area also. I can check the house from anywhere, as long as the cable to the house doesn’t get blown down.
It still bothers me that there is a cancer growing in our country. That the people who have taken over our government seem to be basically, greedy, mean, vengeful, corrupt and simplistic. Almost everything they do seems designed to keep themselves in power, benefit the few who have supported them, and make the lives of everyone else not just more difficult, but miserable. These actions are like a cancer on society, spreading rapidly across the world. It’s not locally contained, like mine.
I’ll have a lot more to say about that later. Right now, I’m just waiting for the last test results. Then to start the treatment. Then to wait for the next threat to my existence.
