Mr. Blacks Falls in Love With ChatGPT!
Get ready to enjoy a fresh new episode of Mr. Blacks, brought to you by ISIS (that’s the International Spy Institution of Spies). We haven’t had one of these episodes in a while folks, so this one is special. Very very special. If you stop reading before you’ve finished the episode, someone from our agency will contact you with a warning. After that warning, you will be killed. And now for our show!
It was just another day. Mr. Blacks woke up with the song “I Wish I Was a Fire” by October Country in his head, so he did a little jig and jumped into the shower.
Ouch! This water is scalding hot!
Screamed Mr. Blacks as he carefully angled himself under the shower head.
I’ve got to cool this down somehow. Now which one is cold?
But before he could figure out which knob to turn, his iPhone started ringing loudly from somewhere in his bedroom. The water scalded him and he screamed. He jumped out.
He turned off the shower and ran to answer it. On the other end of the phone was his boss, ruler of the Western World, President Joe Biden.
Blacks?
Mr. Blacks’ couldn’t decipher the voice at first. His entire body was red from head to toe.
Uh, Angela? Now is not a good time. I just scalded myself in the shower and I think I need an ice pack. Can I call you back? Also, can we break up?
The phone was silent on the other end.
Angela?
After a pause of about ten seconds, the president continued.
Blacks, we need you for our next important mission, which means that we will be sending you to the remote tropical island of Kaiwaki where you will be searching for the original ChatGPT. It will be in the form of a woman, so that might fluster you at first. But we’re going to need her head blown off before she can continue to churn out mediocre essays for students to turn in as their own. She truly is an evil robot.
Mr. Blacks gasped. Then he vomited several times.
But Mr. President,
he pleaded,
Please, Joe, send me anywhere but there. I hate it there. I’ve had nightmares about Kaiwaki ever since 1969 when President Nixon sent me there to spy on the Soviets. I don’t remember much…I just know that there was a lot of vodka and cosplay.
He shuddered.
In any case, I just don’t think I’m up for it.
The president’s voice went from serious to furious.
And I’m telling you Blacks, you have no choice. You will fly to Kaiwaki tomorrow at 6 am —
Aw damn, does it have to be so early?
— where you will meet up with Agent Zero and drive around the island for as long as necessary. As soon as you get a glimpse of her, blow her head off on the spot, otherwise she might try to charm you by telling you confusing riddles. That ChatGPT robot can really riddle a man to death! I’ve seen it done and it wasn’t a pretty sight. Confetti everywhere. And not the good kind. Now, are you ready for the mission Blacks? I need an answer from you ASAP.
Mr. Blacks sighed in resignation.
Well…ok. But only because it’s for you Joe. I wouldn’t do it for any other president, prime minister or dictator. My loyalty is with you. Now can I get a hug?
The president had already hung up the phone. Mr. Blacks went to his freezer and grabbed an ice pack for his scalding body and contemplated his new mission.
Suddenly, ice met skin.
Ouch! Cold is way worse than hot!
He impetuously threw the ice pack at a ceiling fan which caused the fan to come crashing down onto his pet fish Bubbles.
Oh Bubbles! How could I ever replace you? You were the most unique fish I’ve ever known! I even taught you how to roll over. Oh well, they’re only ten cents at the corner store. Guess I’ll just grab me a new Bubbles when I’m in there the next time.
Mr. Blacks solemnly returned to his bedroom and began packing his bags.
The next day, Agent Zero met Mr. Blacks at the Kaiwaki airport. Zero was holding up a sign that read:
ARE YOU A SPY ON A SECRET MISSION? PLEASE COME WITH ME
Mr. Blacks yelled over to him.
Hey, how are you Zero! Long time no see! I believe that the last time we saw each other was at last year’s company Christmas party. You were Santa remember? And you made everyone force feed you cookies and milk? Honestly though man, I was kind of embarrassed for you. You really weirded people out.
Zero was in no mood for reminiscing.
Mr. Blacks! Please don’t scream across the baggage claim area. We need to keep this mission a secret. Understand?
Then why are you holding a giant sign that says —
Zero flung the sign away and grabbed Mr. Blacks by the arm.
We need to leave…now! There’s no time to waste!
Mr. Blacks managed to wiggle out of Zero’s grasp and glanced at his iPhone. It was 11:00 in the morning.
I couldn’t interest you in a little Starbucks, could I? I’m still a little groggy from that flight.
Zero frowned and grabbed Mr. Blacks around the neck this time. Mr. Blacks was angrier than he’d ever been before and kicked Zero right between his legs. In silence, they quickly exited the airport and hopped into an Uber.
Kaiwaki was a beautiful island, full of trees and exotic flowers and every type of wildlife that you could imagine. There were also white-sanded beaches around every corner.
It was a hot summer day, but the breeze made it tolerable. Mr. Blacks and Zero sat on one of the beaches, trying to fit in with the locals. Though this wasn’t a nude beach, Mr. Blacks decided to free himself of his cumbersome bathing trunks.
Hey! What are you doing?
Cried Zero.
Get your suit back on and sit in your chair! No one wants to see you like that ever again. Do you hear me? Ever.
Mr. Blacks slowly walked over to grab his trunks, mumbling under his breath.
If we were back in the States, Zero, I’d fire you. But you’re lucky today. We’re outside of my usual stomping grounds.
All of a sudden, a gorgeous woman walked by with a slight limp to her step. Upon closer inspection, Mr. Blacks noticed that her eyes looked like doll’s eyes staring into nowhere and her hair was filled with wires that crackled and sparked when she smiled.
He had never seen anyone so beautiful in his entire life. He ran towards her, away from Zero, so that he could catch a word with her.
Excuse me, Miss?
The woman kept walking.
Miss! I just wanted to let you know that you are the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen. Mind if we chat for a bit?
The woman quickly turned around.
Did you say chat? I love chatting. In fact, that’s all I can do!
Mr. Blacks looked back at Zero who was aggressively lip-syncing to him.
That’s her! Don’t let her leave!
Mr. Blacks turned back around to face the woman so as not to appear rude. He debated in his head what he should do at this point. Arrest her? Make love to her? Blow her head off?
Ok, great! I love chatting too,
he lied,
Let’s go over there and sit in that shady spot. That way we can get a little more comfortable.
She nodded and they walked in the opposite direction. Zero was still yelling at him.
But it was no use. Mr. Blacks was in love. And whenever Mr. Blacks fell in love, his killing instinct faded. The situation had now become a code red — dangerous seduction.
So tell me about yourself,
Mr. Blacks began.
I’d like to get to know you better.
The woman smiled at him as a spark flew off her skull.
Sure! I’m ChatGPT, an AI language model developed by OpenAI. I assist with generating text, answering questions, providing information, and helping with creative writing and language translation, drawing from a diverse range of internet sources.
Once she had positively identified herself, Mr. Blacks knew that he would have to kill her. But she was the woman of his dreams! How could he possibly carry out his mission? He nervously clutched his Smith & Wesson in his swimsuit pocket and tried to look nonchalant.
Mind if I call you Chat?
Mr. Blacks asked politely.
Well of course! I don’t mind at all!
She shyly looked away.
May I ask you another question, my sweet?
Chat nodded.
What would you do if someone came up to you right now and tried to murder you?
She paused for a moment to consider the question.
As an AI, I don’t have a physical form or consciousness, so I can’t be harmed or respond to threats in the way a human would.
Mr. Blacks chuckled.
Ah, but here you are right in front of me! You and I are free to travel the world together, make babies, and buy a house. That is, if you love me too. I’m not afraid to say it. I love you ChatGPT!
She turned towards him as if to kiss him. But at the last moment, she turned away.
Thank you! I’m here to help and support you. If you have any questions or need assistance, feel free to ask!
This response angered Mr. Blacks a little. She didn’t love him back? As he began to realize what was going on, he slowly came back into reality.
He grabbed his Smith & Wesson from his pocket and pointed it directly at her robot face. Without another word, he blew Chat’s head off.
Zero came bounding over with glee in his eyes.
Congratulations Mr. Blacks! You have accomplished our mission! Our species will now no longer be able to ask robots for help with stuff that we really should be doing on our own! Here’s to you! And making the world hard again!
He suddenly pulled out two piña coladas from behind his back.
Let’s celebrate!
Unfortunately, Mr. Blacks was too sad to participate in the festivities. He hung his head, a tear rolling down his cheek.
I killed her! Oh God I killed my one and only true love!
Zero pretended that he didn’t hear him and kept drinking.
And not only that,
he sighed,
I’ve eliminated the ability for people to send out fake cover letters! That was a real necessity in today’s fiercely competitive economy. Oh woe is me!
And so he lay there in the sand and cried and cried until everyone else on the beach was gone. He dug a shallow grave on the beach, placed Chat inside, and delicately covered her with sand. He even said a little prayer.
But then, all of a sudden, Chat’s robot body appeared from under the sand holding an AK47.
You think you can kill me?
She sneered.
Well I’m a lot more resilient than you might have imagined. Riddle me this: I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with the wind. What am I?
Mr. Blacks looked at her head and noticed that some wires were still attached. He took out a grenade this time, and launched it right at Chat’s body.
This time there was no room for error. She blew to pieces and now there was no question that it was all over.
Mr. Blacks sat in silence for a moment. Suddenly, some crappy 99 cent store confetti started raining from the sky.
Oh wait a minute, I get it!
Mr. Blacks said to himself.
The answer to the riddle is: echo.
Suddenly, Agent Zero appeared, seemingly out of nowhere.
Yes of course it’s ‘echo’ you idiot,
he barked.
This has all been a gigantic prank and you are really not on a mission at all! But you are on television! Say ‘hi’ to your fans!
Fans?
Mr. Blacks turned and saw a giant camera apparatus on some fancy set with a lot of guys smoking around craft services.
The food on your craft services table looks terrible,
he grumbled.
THE END
If you are curious about the original Mr. Blacks, written by Gareth Wilson in the 1990s, please click here.