What is it that you Actually Want?

It’s such a simple question. But for most, it goes unanswered, or perhaps remains formless and wraith-like.

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

Like many things, answering the question of what you actually want might be simple — but isn’t easy.

Vast numbers of men and women each day have a nagging feeling in the back of their heads. They go to work, focus as best they can, get home, get paid.

But something’s missing.

And so they feel frustrated. They know that a life is there, waiting for them, and that it doesn’t look like the one that they have at the moment.

But they don’t know what it does look like.

You Need to Decide What you Actually Want

Knowing what you wanted used to be easy, didn’t it? When you were a child, the confusion that plagues most adults was nonexistent.

You got hurt — you cried.

You were hungry — you ate.

You needed a cuddle — you asked for one.

And then things got complicated.

Slowly but surely, you “grew up” and started watering down the things you wanted in life with words like “ought to” or “not realistic”.

You started doing things that were expected, rather than chosen.

Until finally, in your late teens, when people asked you about the things you really wanted in life you started giving the essential answer of teenagers: “whatever”.

Your transformation was complete. You no longer have the ability to be honest with yourself about what you truly want in life.

But That’s Just Life, Isn’t It?

For most, that’s life.

But you’re here to thrive.

And so it doesn’t need to be life for you.

I’m not going to tell you that deciding and describing what you want will mean you get it.

But I will tell you that if you can’t, won’t or don’t do that — then you will definitely not get it.

Or if you do — you won’t recognise it for what it is.

How to Do It

The deceptively simple task seems to take a lot out of people.

But there are a few ground rules about doing it right:

1. Be honest — lying to yourself is unlikely to do you any good. This also means I suggest you don’t show anyone.
2. Be yourself — don’t make a list that belongs to someone else, with their desires and aspirations, just because it sounds noble and right — be you, with your particular circumstances.
3. Be specific — “I want a big house” is very different to “I want a 5 acre hobby farm with a pot belly stove”

Try starting with the little things. If you want a yellow plastic holder for your bus card instead of an orange one — say so.

Like purple flowers but not really orange ones? Great — say so.

Remember that a big part of this is re-training yourself to recognise what you actually want, identify it with specificity, and honestly accept that it’s something you want.

Start Now

Go now — take 5 minutes and write a list.

Tomorrow do the same.

Keep going until you have 30 things — big, small, tall, wide, material and not.

This kind of straightforward task is one of the first steps to thriving in life.

Originally published at chris hargreaves.