The Ten Lukewarm Commandments
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Progressive “Christians” have long wanted to rewrite the Ten Commandments. If they were honest, here is what the Ten Lukewarm Commandments would say.
1 —
Ya know, at the end of the day we all really worship the same God. So we should all embrace everyone who says they’re a Christian. Calling people snakes and wolves is mean.
2 —
We should totally incorporate Pagan, Wiccan, and Eastern religious practices within our liturgy. Also, we should not speak out against Planned Parenthood, Baal, or the Democrats. Someone might get offended.
3 —
Let’s not fight about doctrine. Such things are divisive.
4 —
Imma get my government check. My life isn’t fair.
Wealth just magically appears in the world, kinda like manna but different. If it weren’t for evil Capitalists taking all the iPhones off the trees, taking all of the houses after they grow, and hoarding all of the lattes for themselves, there would be enough for everybody to not have to ever work more than a few hours a week.
Also, believe whatever you want about Genesis. It’s not like God told us, “For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth…” (Ex. 20:11)
5 —
Complain all day about your awful childhood from your NAZI White Supremacist parents, even if they are Asian, black, or brown. Be sure to tell them that asking you to get a job is part of the evil hetero-patriarchy Capitalist agenda.
6 —
Everyone should hold hands and agree to disagree about murdering babies.
7 —
Ya know, different people feel different ways about sexuality. I feel like living with my boyfriend/girlfriend/gender-non-comforming friend/otherkin stranger, and how dare you object. Jesus said judge not somewhere.
8 —
Don’t steal, unless you are stealing from the rich to give to the poor, and keeping a fee for yourself. If a public official does it, it’s okay, for things I like.
Be sure to accuse other people of not caring for the poor. After all, you are entitled to your fair share of someone else’s paycheck because you need money.
Let’s not judge how different people vote. But you definitely have to vote Woke, and if you aren’t at least a thousand miles to the Left of Stalin, you’re a White Supremacist.
9 —
Speak your truth.
Facts don’t matter. Judge guilt or innocence based on feelings and demographics. Be sure to believe those who are victims in the Social Justice hierarchy, but only if it fits your woke narrative.
Also, be sure to throw police under the bus based on how people feel. Never mind the evidence.
Also, be willfully blind to what Exodus 23 says about impartiality and the presumption of innocence. And be sure to spread verifiably false rumors at your Christian conferences for reconciliation.
10 —
It’s not fair that some people have more than me. Be sure to complain about Capitalism on Twitter with your iPhone while drinking your seven-dollar latte at Starbucks. Those evil rich white cisgender heteronormative white rich straight men should be giving to the poor. And by “the poor” I mean me.
Judas is my homeboy.
*11 —
Never let anyone criticize the Woke. That’s divisive. Heretics might get offended. If someone promotes orthodox, Biblical, or Conservative ideas, be sure to call them names.
After writing this article, I noticed that The Babylon Bee wrote a similar parody. Bee sure to check that out, along with some of the other links below! Along with a few of mine.
