Father: The Divinely Designed Anchor of the Home
I do a lot of work with young adults. Our church is in the unique position of doubling as a ministry school, which brings us students from all over the world every year. Our congregants love the dynamic. For a small, country church, we boast a level of diversity that few congregations would typically enjoy in our part of Pennsylvania. Whether these students are from a town a few miles away or half a globe away — literally — they add something to our church family that keeps us from only seeing the world one way. There is diversity of language, ethnicity, thought, church practice, and personal experience. But, in the midst of that diversity, we are bound together, not only by our love for Jesus Christ, but by our need for family.
The sustention of culture rests on the family unit. Donald Conrad says that having two parents and a stable home should be the “birthright” of every child.[1] Two-parent homes create stability, and dramatically increase the likelihood that children will grow up into functional adults that positively contribute to the world around them. The family is the most basic primary group in society and is fundamental in identity formation.[2]
And that is no accident.
The purpose of the family has always been to glorify God. Anytime God sought to further His redemptive plan in Scripture, He sought a family: Adam and Eve (Gen. 1:26–28), Abraham and Sarah (Gen. 17:15–16), Amram and Jochebed (Exod. 2:1–10), Joseph and Mary (Matt. 1:20–21). But God not only used the family to further His purpose, He intended the family to be the basic building block for human society. The Apostle Paul notes that the fifth Commandment, “Honor your father and your mother” (Exod. 20:12), is “the first commandment with a promise” (Eph. 6:2). The promise is that life in the promised land of Canaan will be good. But the goodness promised — the blessing God wished to grant them — is that of a stable society.[3] In short, the family matters.
Concerning family dynamics, Scripture is acutely focused on the role of the father. Both man and woman are God’s image bearers, intrinsically dignified and commissioned to represent Him both in individuality and in marital union. But there is great emphasis on the man’s pastoral responsibility as husband and father to ensure that his household is a safe, God-glorifying environment (Mal. 2:13–16). The book of Malachi records God dramatically — and aggressively — confronting Israelite men who were devaluing the marriage covenants by divorcing their older Israelite wives, so they could marry younger pagan girls.[4] These men were doing “violence to the [ones they] should protect” (Mal. 2:16). The prophet is warning them that their failure to love their wives was also failure to love their children (the “godly seed” of verse 15), in that the stable two-parent home was to provide a secure environment where children could grow up learning God’s value system.[5] But the power of fulfilling this mandate runs even deeper.
Not only did God want children to be able to look at their parents’ marriage and learn His value system, He wanted them to be able to see what He was like. Adam was the only thing in all creation that God looked at in Genesis and said, “Is it not good” (Gen. 2:18). Why? Because the creation of mankind was about the expression of God’s image (Gen. 1:28). Since God, by virtue of His triune nature, is a relationship, it would take a relationship to fully express that image. So, what did He do? He created woman. He created marriage. He created family. He created community.
A beautiful reflection of Himself.
God most explicitly commands men to reflect Him: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25). Children should not only be able to learn God’s value system in their homes, but they should be able to learn God’s character in their homes. The way a man loves His wife should be the first Gospel message a child ever “hears.” This is one of many reasons why we need good Dads.
As a husband, I am beyond conscious of the vital role my wife plays in our home and in the life of my son. She is the bravest woman I know, and I cannot imagine functioning — let alone living — without her. The emphasis I’m putting on fatherhood is not out of any lack of appreciation for the role of wife or mother. It’s primarily due to a conversation I had recently with one of our international students from Europe that made me realize how much is hinging on the way I play my part.
This young man sat down in my office and complained that no one really knows him. The reason for this was because he refused to let anyone in. He had himself convinced that no one would like who he was, so he had learned to manufacture an image that he believed everyone would like. I explained to him that the real problem wasn’t with whether or not people liked him, but with the fact that he didn’t like himself. As the conversation progressed, he started talking about his Dad.
Angry tears came. And so did a story of lofty expectations and outspoken disappointment.
This young man is an extremely talented athlete. He is intelligent. He is good-looking. And he is completely insecure. Why? Because his father never gave him any approval, never expressed any satisfaction with him — he instead made it very clear that his son wasn’t measuring up to the image he wanted him to bear. In doing so, he created a boy who was convinced that acceptance is highly conditional.
As he and I began to talk about the unconditional love and acceptance we have from our Heavenly Father, you could see the anger leave the tears, and relief and hope come instead. He left after we prayed together, and I was left reflecting on what I might be creating in my son. Studies show that kids who have Dads that are actively involved in their lives will avoid a lot of destructive behaviors and experience better mental and emotional health than kids who don’t.[6], [7] They’re less likely to get in trouble with the law. They tend to be less aggressive. Boys will experience higher degrees of social ability. Girls will be far more likely to avoid sexual risks.
Life is hard, and kids need Dads. Let me give you a pastoral analogy here…
Being a father is like being an anchor. An anchor is a strong, stabilizing object made to be dropped to the dark, murky bottom of the sea, so it can hold a ship in place. Similarly, a father is a strong, stabilizing force made to be dropped to the dark, murky bottom of crises (you know, like puberty) to hold a family in place. God has designed men to be strong. I know there’s a bit of contrary opinion to that right now; we’re hearing a lot of voices telling us that men — especially strong ones — can be a source of injustice and inequality. The fact is, however, having the capacity to impart strength to your wife and children is part of being in God’s image, and it is meant to be the antidote to injustice and oppression.
Again, to be a father is to be an anchor. Anchors work by responding to force. The harder an anchor is pulled on, the deeper it digs into the seabed. How do you respond to force? Complaints about irresponsible men abound; it’s imperative that we take responsibility for ourselves, our families, our actions, and our inactions. I don’t want to retreat when life is pulling on me or my family. I want to be the kind of Dad who digs in, so the ship can be held in place. Storms are going to come that will send our families reeling on the turbulent seas of life, and God has given fathers the sacred trust of anchoring our families in something stronger than the storm. And the only “seabed” I know of that can hold any ship in any storm is the truth of God’s Word.
This then, is our mission as men: be anchored in God, then be an anchor for God.
[1] Conrad, Donald L. “Marriage and the Family.” Christian Perspectives on Sociology, edited by Stephen A. Grunlan and Milton Reimer, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 2001, pp. 167–187.
[2] Johnson, Winston A. “Groups.” Christian Perspectives on Sociology, edited by Stephen A. Grunlan and Milton Reimer, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 2001, pp. 150–166.
[3] Utley, Robert James. Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, Then Later, Philippians). Volume 8. Marshall, TX: Bible Lessons International, 1997. Print. Study Guide Commentary Series.
[4] Ellsworth, Roger. Opening up Malachi. Leominster: Day One Publications, 2007. Print. Opening Up Commentary.
[5] Baldwin, Joyce G. Haggai, Zechariah and Malachi: An Introduction and Commentary. Vol. 28. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1972. Print. Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries.
[6] Finello, Kristen. “Parenting Style: The Role of Fathers with Daughters and Sons.” Parents.com, Parents, 4 Oct. 2005, www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/style/the-role-of-fathers-with-daughters-and-sons/.
[7] Krisch, Joshua A. “The Science of Dad and the Father Effect.” Fatherly, Fatherly, 3 Oct. 2017, www.fatherly.com/health-science/science-benefits-of-fatherhood-dads-father-effect/.
