FATHERS AND MENTORS, PLEASE STEP UP!
Six years ago, I met a 14-year-old boy out in front of my house. He was shooting hoops on the basketball goal that we had on the street curb. I was immediately taken with his charisma and genuine smile as we enjoyed playing ball together alongside my son and some other kids in our neighborhood. DJ (Not his real name) would become a regular fixture in our home over the next two years. He and I became close as we developed a unique and lasting relationship. He would call my sons, his little brothers and my wife, his second mom. I learned that he had a conflicted relationship with his father who lived across town. He didn’t see his father often but always spoke very highly of him and tried desperately to protect his father’s reputation in front of me. Additionally, his step father had recently been released from a long-term jail sentence after being convicted of violent and drug related crimes.
Despite DJ’s difficult family situation, his home became a place where I was welcome. You see, I had earned his respect and he had invited me into his world. Later, on his 16th birthday my family was invited to celebrate at his house. DJ’s mother asked me to say a prayer and I gladly accepted. Before I prayed, I shared with DJ in front of his family (his father was not their) how important he was to my family, his family and me. I reminded him, in front of all who loved him, of the similarities that he and I shared; things like, bitterness and anger, as well as loyalty and friendship. I challenged him to deal with those pride issues head on and strive to conduct himself with humility, love and strength. I told him that I loved him and that I was proud of him. Then I gave him a gift, it was a cross like one that I wore. He knew that he was being invited into another level of maturity on his journey to manhood. He gave me a hug and that was his way of accepting my invitation to a community of men. It was a special moment in his life: The moment when a grown man encouraged the natural progression that was taking place in a boy’s life as he desired so much to be recognized as a man by other men. He felt a sense of responsibility and accountability that every man needs.
A year later, DJ let his anger get the best of him and got into some legal trouble. His grandmother’s first call was to me. I was concerned but also thankful that DJ wanted to reach out to me for help because he knew what kind of help he would get. Not a quick fix, but a loving rebuke and a challenge to make right decisions moving forward. As his spiritual adviser, the court allowed me to be involved with counseling alongside of his parole officer and the district’s child psychologist. We were able to help bridge the gap between DJ and his father and encourage them to build a relationship. DJ’s attitude and actions began to improve drastically as his father spent more time with him. DJ is married now and has a son of his own. He is a responsible husband and father who works hard and desires to lead his family well. I am so proud to be a part of his community of men.
That is a good ending to a story that could have gone either way. All of the elements of an disastrous outcome were there; fatherless home, conflicted and aimless boy, few male role models, deep hurt and anger. However, positive male presence and restored relationship, in the midst of trial, with a father, redirected the boy and prompted him in the right direction. Unfortunately, this is not a typical outcome…
The truth of the matter is that our society is lacking in the realm of developing boys into men. The breakdown of the family unit is devastating. In DJ’s case there was a man in the home. However, the man in his home was dealing with his own renewal and struggle of how to be a responsible man. What DJ longed for was a man to mentor him, challenge him, esteem him and help him establish goals. Natural law specifically implies that this role is to be fulfilled by the child’s father. It is his calling. It is his mission. The Lord allowed my influence in DJ’s life to fill a gap and show him the characteristics of a mature man. His father’s involvement was the turning point in DJ’s life to cause him to make better decisions, regarding his conduct. However, we are left with the ramifications of a perpetual cycle of immature men in our society. Those who have never fully developed into mature men because they have not been mentored and instructed as to how to fulfill the role of a husband and father.
The tragic effects of absent fathers in homes across our society are staggering. It is an epidemic that must be considered as a societal dilemma. The ‘National Center for Fathering’ put out the following statistics: 20 million children grow up in fatherless homes; 90% of homeless/ runaway children are from fatherless homes; 70% of adolescents who abuse substances are from fatherless homes; 80% of adolescents in psychiatric facilities come from fatherless homes; 70% of adolescents in juvenile corrections centers are from fatherless homes; 60% of rapists were raised in a fatherless home; and 70% of teen pregnancies happen in fatherless homes. (fathers.com) The collateral damage continues to grow as young men who have grown up without a father or a disengaged/ absent father, eventually continue the pattern of their fathers. (fathers.com)
My question is, “Where are the men?” I understand, we must be mindful of the absence of fathers in some homes because of the father passing away and other extenuating circumstances. However, most of these fatherless homes are due to men passively rejecting their responsibility to lead. Fathers are failing to guide, to protect and to nurture their children. We need men to stand up and guide young men to become faithful, responsible, caring, humble leaders in their families. They need to break the destructive cycle of abandonment. When faced with conflict our natural human desire will manifest in two ways, ‘fight’ or ‘flight’. Statistic are showing the devastating effects of men who choose ‘flight’ over ‘fighting’ for their families. It is difficult yet rewarding to stay and fight for family unification, no matter how grueling it may be to persevere through the difficulties. There are a lot of difficult circumstances that may tempt men to flee their responsibilities, whether it’s economic, physical, emotional or spiritual. Nevertheless, it is a God-given command for men to take care of their families.
Two recent mass shootings that occurred in our nation were committed by men who grew up in fatherless homes.
In Parkland, Florida, on February 14th of this year Nikolas Cruz opened fire and killed 17 people. He was known as a loner who was disturbed and capable of harming people as well as animals. He was adopted at birth and lived in a two-parent home until he was seven years old. He witnessed his father have a heart attack that would eventually claim his life. His mother did the best she could to raise he and his brother. He would lash out and threaten his mother and others physically. He developed an obsession with guns and eventually purchase several firearms. After his mother died, he was emotionally unstable and his anger and obsession with death and violence grew. Nikolas is another statistic in a common category of fatherless boys who grew up to be criminals and villains. (sun-sentinel.com)
In Las Vegas, Nevada on October 1, 2017 Stephen Paddock opened fire on thousands of concert-goers from his lofty hotel room. 58 people were killed and hundreds more wounded. It was the worst massacre in modern American history. Paddock grew up without a father. His mother told his brothers and him that their father died. However, their father was a career criminal and bank robber who was in and out of jail. Stephen’s brother said that Stephen was the quietest and least aggressive of the siblings. They and all who knew him were shocked to find out that he was the gunman on that horrific evening. Clearly there was a gap in Paddocks life, a letdown, perhaps ignited somewhere deep down in him when he was a boy without a father. (nytimes.com)
What is the solution?
There are many good programs for mentoring boys. There are community clubs and organizations that strive to serve the needs of the fatherless and single mothers. Sometimes, as was the case for Cruz, a child’s father dies when they are young. In those cases, we need men in the community to walk alongside these future men and spend time listening to them and guiding them. These boys can only learn what it takes to be a man when men show them. They need coaches, teachers, youth leaders, and older men to stand up and get involved. They need direction.
Churches can mentor these young men with biblical authority and loving compassion. In a sense, you could argue that these fatherless children are partially orphaned. James 1:27 calls us to “visit the widows and orphans in their affliction.” They need the body of Christ to minister to them, not only to their physical needs but more importantly to their spiritual and emotional needs.
Likewise, fathers need to step up and raise godly men. Deuteronomy 6:4–9 directs men to accept, apply and then teach God’s command to love Him and love one another. It is the responsibility of the father to set the tone in the home of God’s design for worship as well as societal conduct. If the father is absent, then other men in the community must stand in the gap to reach out to the single mothers in effort to mentor young boys in the faith.
About 12 years ago a dear friend gave me a book called, Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis. The book is designed to challenge men to purposely engage their sons, and others who may not have fathers, specifically to teach them and raise them into manhood. He defines manhood this way: “A real man; Rejects Passivity, Accepts Responsibility, Leads Courageously and Expects the Greater Reward” (Lewis 51–57). First, when faced with the “fight or flight” option, real men stay and fight. They don’t passively walk away and flee the situation. Second, real men accept their responsibility to fulfill their God-given role as husband and father. Third, they not only stay and accept responsibility, real men lead. Leadership will inevitably present a man with many hurdles and unforeseen challenges; therefore, they must take courage in the One who will sustain them as they blaze the trail for those that they lead. Finally, men expect the greater reward. The great reward is God’s blessing, that which comes to fruition in a man’s life as he follows Christ. Hebrews 12:1–2 describes this perfectly as we look to the perfect example of manhood in Christ. “…Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Works Cited
Lewis, Robert. Raising A Modern- Day Knight. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1997. Print.
“National Center for Fathering.” National Center for Fathering The Consequences of Fatherlessness Comments. N.p., n.d. Web. 06 Oct. 2018.
Philipps, Dave, and Matthew Haag. “Las Vegas Gunman’s Criminal Father Vanished From Sons’ Lives.” The New York Times. The New York Times, 03 Oct. 2017. Web. 06 Oct. 2018.
The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001. Print.
Wallman, Brittany, Paula McMahon, Megan O’Matz, and Susannah Bryan. “School Shooter Nikolas Cruz: A Lost and Lonely Killer.” Sun-Sentinel.com. N.p., 24 Apr. 2018. Web. 06 Oct. 2018.
